Archive: 2011

This  advert appeared in the Liverpool Echo. This is what it says:

The Fairways Funeral Plan is individually tailored to meet your needs. Everything featured in the [yawn] Fairways Funeral Plan is fully guaranteed no matter how high prices rise and we’ve created flexible payment plans to suit any budget.

So even in uncertain times, you can rest assured [nice pun, boys!] everything will be taken care of.

The Fairways Funeral Plan is only available from carefully selected Funeral Directors which meet the highest standards of care and quality.These are funeral experts and are available to call 24 hours a day, every day of the year.

You can probably read the names of the handpicked familyalike undertakers underneath the text. Liverpool’s finest. The only ones who match the incredibly high standards set by those who administer the FFP. This is exactly the sort of information that funeral consumers need. There are lots of funeral directors in Liverpool. But only these made the grade. The rest are clearly sub-standard, below par, simply not good enough, quite possibly crap.

It is a matter of sheer coincidence that all the familyalike funeral directors named in the ad are members of the Fairways Partnership, a wholly-owned subsidiary of Co-operative Funeralcare and an organisation for which I cannot find a website. Odd, that.

I have a nice window sticker I send to GFG-recommended funeral directors with lovely calligraphy by my lettering hero Ieuan Rees, the man who taught me to love the Welsh. I think I shall have to ask him to do me another bearing the words DENOUNCED BY THE GOOD FUNERAL GUIDE.

The ad above has been reported to the NAFD and the ASA.

One must be careful what one says. And before one says it, one must try and resist distraction.

I had intended to say a few words about Co-operative Funeralcare. Yes, again. Because they’re worth it. They are The Enemy. (Hello, Co-op lawyers, see if you can find anything actionable in what follows.)

But, as I say, I got distracted. First, my attention was wrenched to deplorable behaviour at the premises of Chittenden’s Funeral Service, Folkestone. Chittenden’s is owned by the Fairways Partnership. The Fairways Partnership is owned by Co-operative Funeralcare. Once upon a time the Chittenden name was a source of great good will, for which, doubtless, a great deal of good money exchanged hands. Why buy a good name only to bespatter it with shit, we must ask ourselves.

Six members of Chittendens were charged in Sept 2010 with all manner of misconduct. The usual sad stuff. Forgetting to take a baby to be buried. Driving a hearse at 130mph. Worse, I’ve heard. Enough. You can read about it here.

It makes it very difficult to keep topical tabs on these conglomerates when they trade under other people’s names.

In Wales, Rees Davies and Son were charged with the duty of taking Baby Gabriel into their care. They took the placenta instead, and a funeral was held, and a burial, and all the while Baby Gabriel was in a Moses basket in a fridge at the hospital. Rees Davies and Son are members of the Fairways Partnership, which disputed the conclusions in the hospital’s report into the matter. Read about it here.

Back to Funeralcare, proud owners of the Fairways Partnership. What do you think they thought of SAIF commissioning that price comparison survey in Feb 2010? Well, obviously they weren’t pleased. At the time, there were lawyers’ letters and talk of pressure being put on SAIF suppliers to consider their, er, best interests.

Once again the air is full of talk of this. How many SAIF suppliers have failed to renew their subscriptions?

I’m on to this, treading carefully. If there are any funeral directors out there, or suppliers, or anyone else who has personal experience of what’s going on, please contact me in strictest, guaranteed confidence and tell me more. Ring if you wish: 07946 714 063. Email:Charles@goodfunerguide.co.uk.

When will Funeralcare’s lawyers come for me? I often wonder. I have no money, so nothing to lose. And I have one great consolation. ‘If,’ says someone who has written to me, ‘they do come for you… they’ll probably pick up the wrong one!’