Archive: 2011

Should the British mourn or celebrate their dead?

19 September 2011
Charles
31 Comments
Categories: Academia and death, Attitudes to death, ceremony, funeral customs, funeral reformers

Posted by Jose Antonio Estevez Garcia

When my best friend died at the age of 38 it was a drama – not only his unexpected loss but also his funeral which, far from helping us to face that moment, only added more pain to those grievous days.

The reason is quite simple: when Angel died his parents were in shock and the funeral was designed following what tradition dictates. This resulted in an event that betrayed his memory and created terrible memories that are difficult to forget – for example, memories of the viewing.

Viewing is a mandatory element in Spanish funerals and it is aimed to allow people to “physically” farewell the one who passed away. When I was told that my friend had died I thought nothing could be so painful until I saw him in the coffin with a broken gesture in his face. Until that moment I only had memories of him smiling and sharing all the goodness he brought to my life. Seeing his dead body in a coffin only opened a new wound. Many people who attended the funeral shared a similar feeling. In my opinion, tradition should only rule our lives if it helps us in any way, otherwise it may be time for a change.

I quit my job in Spain to come to the UK to explore my most creative side, so I started a master’s called “Applied Imagination” at Saint Martins College (one of the most prestigious centers of Art and Design in the world).

Within the master I am developing a research project where I am analyzing ways in which traditional industries to evolve in response to demand for personalized innovative services by customers. To develop this idea I am researching into how creative methodologies such as “Design Thinking” and “Lateral Thinking” can challenge conservative industries with innovative business models co-created by the customers of the previously mentioned personalized services. In summary, it is a bespoke innovation driven by customer demand in traditional industries as a way to disrupt their current business model.

To develop and test my findings I have chosen the funeral industry which, because of strong tradition, is quite reluctant to change. The funeral of my beloved friend made me think that a change in this sector could help other people. The approach proposed in this application case of my project is not against tradition; but in favor of opening our minds to personalized funerals in which traditional and/or innovative elements may help relatives and friends feeling as better as possible, given the circumstances.

In my opinion, the key to reconcile opposed views about the arrangements among those who will attend a funeral is that the deceased makes a decision about it before dying. Exactly like what people do when they choose whether they prefer burial or cremation, but getting into all the other details, like in a wedding (a funeral is not less important as to not give them a thought, specially if you care about the ones who will live your farewell).

To test my proposal I have prepared the video of my funeral, whose aim is to avoid mourning my death but to celebrate my life, what I call a “happy funeral” i.e. a funeral in which all the elements are thought to avoid creating sad memories and aim to generate a positive state of mind. The video is posted above  and has been watched to date by 1130 people.

In addition to the video initiative, I have can you buy cialis online interviewed different stakeholders and gatekeepers and gathered amazing experiences shared by the people who have answered the survey published with the video. I am also researching into funerals in different countries, cultures and religions, trying to determine which elements can help change the state of mind in a funeral from a sad one into a positive one as, in my understanding, this will play an essential supporting part in the required process of accepting and fighting to overcome the pain of the loss of a loved one.

I have had the chance to talk with the sister of a 26 year-old guy who died in Spain last August. It seems that, some weeks before passing away, they had occasional conversations about death where he said he wanted a party if he died.

Unfortunately this happened and his family decided to respect his last will. The death notice they published in the local newspaper was later diffused at national level because it was the first time in Spain a funeral had been announced as if it was a party. And it was a party. A special one where there were moments for tears, but also moments to sing and dance and smile, reminding everyone of the most outstanding feature of this guy: his happiness.

She explained to me that when you have to face the death of a loved one the primary feeling you have is suffering, in her words, a selfish feeling because you only care about your pain without taking care of how that pain will have a negative effect in all the others attending the funeral (aren’t tears as contagious as laughter?). Overcoming the pain and making an effort to be happy to celebrate all the love and the good moments her brother had given to them was seen by her as a generous feeling because it demonstrated care for how others would live that moment. She had lost her brother one month previously, but she talked about him and his funeral in a positive and peaceful way.

When I told her about the funeral of my best friend I realized I still struggle to overcome certain memories that seem like open wounds in my mind. In our conversation it seemed that the “happy funeral” of her brother had helped her more than the traditional one I experienced when I lost my best friend. Apparently it also helped the family and friends of this guy. Even those who had a traditional opinion about the arrangements accepted Aitor’s last will, understanding that it was faithful to his personality and thus a respectful way to honor him.

Along with my video I have published a survey, anonymously answered so far by 220 people. Between 80% and 90% of them have said they would like a happy funeral; but most of them mentioned that they had never thought of the possibility of arranging a funeral in an alternative way. It seems that when people are given options, they open their minds to personalized solutions that may take elements from tradition but which also incorporate issues related to their own life.

And here is where the industry can make a difference, since less than half of the people stated in the survey that the funerals they had been to had helped them feel better. In several cases they state the opposite.

Isn’t this a motive for the professional sector to question whether traditional funerals effectively serve a positive purpose?

We’d all be better off if we stopped believing in belief

18 September 2011
Charles
2 Comments
Categories: Atheism

Following last week’s great debate between the GFG religious correspondent, various unbelievers and a handful of don’t-knows [here] it was gripping this morning to sip tea in bed and listen to John Gray arguing that ‘we’d all be better off if we stopped believing in belief’.  

The ten-minute talk can be heard once more on Listen Again. Better still for those who prefer their words served written, a public-spirited blogging ex-librarian in Michigan has transcribed it. Frank White, thank you. 

Gray really is worth listening to. Gloria mundi recommends him, too. He concludes: 

We’d all be better off if we stopped believing in belief. Not everyone needs a religion, but if you do you shouldn’t be bothered about finding arguments for joining or practising one. Just go into the church, synagogue, mosque or temple and take it from there. What we believe doesn’t in the end matter very much. What matters is how we live.

Now go to Frank’s website for the foregoing. Here. 

Deathbed visions

18 September 2011
Charles
4 Comments
Categories: Paranormal deathbed experiences

In her latest blog post, Sue Brayne, author of the D-Word: Talking About Dying, describes a recent meeting of the Churches’ Fellowship for Psychical and Spiritual Studies.  Sue worked with Dr Peter Fenwick in researching into end-of-life experiences (ELEs). Here’s a taster:

Our end-of-life experience study included over 800 extraordinary accounts from relatives, nurses, doctors and carers who had witnessed the dying seeing apparitions of much-loved dead relatives or children appearing to them in the last few weeks, days, hours, sometimes minutes of life. The apparitions seemed to soothe the dying person and help them to let go. Some of the dying said they believed these apparitions had come to ‘take them away’, or to help them to ‘pass over.’

Many relatives who reported these stories felt greatly comforted in the knowledge that the dying person wasn’t alone, and they were being helped to die. This in turn, eased their grieving process.

Read Sue’s entire blog post here. Highly recommended. 

Wring out your dead

16 September 2011
Charles
2 Comments
Categories: Uncategorised

Posted by Charles

Yesterday (15 September) Hilary Benn asked this question in the House:

May we have a statement on reports that the Government propose to ask bereaved relatives, including those on low incomes, for payment when they go to register the death of a loved one? The charge, estimates of which vary from £100 to £180, is apparently intended to pay for a new system to check on causes of death, but the cost, which is no longer to be hidden in funeral directors’ charges, will be collected when families turn up, often in a distressed state, at the register office, or they will be sent an invoice later. Given that the Conservative party made such a fuss at the last election about a so-called death tax, will a Minister explain at the Dispatch Box why they now plan to impose one?

Does anyone know anything about this? 

Source

Oh bits from obits

16 September 2011
Charles
6 Comments
Categories: celebrants, ceremony
Posted by Jeanne Rathbone 

Noel Coward said funerals were the cocktail party of his set. James Joyce called them funforals and GB Shaw said  ‘ Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh’. 

I am a Humanist celebrant and have conducted hundreds of non-religious funerals. As our ceremonies are very personal I have heard some wonderful lifestories and anecdotes and had the privilege of conducting the funeral for my compatriot –  the wonderful Dave Allen. 

I have selected a few snippets to share with you and hope that this will encourage you to do likewise. Here are a few of my ‘oh bits from obits’

My dad was working for the Maharajah in Gwalia. When war broke out, Mum and I joined the army! She went to Delhi first. 

 Mum wore a perfume called ‘Smart Party’

 On his first visit to his local  pub he was aware that people were awkward and to break the ice he took his leg off, put it on the bar and said, ‘fill it up’…   after that there was no problem.

 Grace, Rose and Peggy (sisters)  worked at the admiralty during the war, and ironically Grace and Peggy knew that Harry’s ship HMS Cornwall had been destroyed but could say nothing until Rose had been informed.

 Frank worked in the newspaper industry until after the drama of the Wapping Protests. We have never been allowed to have any of the Murdoch’s publications in the home.

 He loved his motorcycles, leather jackets and milky coffee.

 Civil service hours were an unbelievable 10 to 3 in those days with half days on Wednesdays when she and her girlfriends would often go to the cinema.

 He found some popularity and recognition through his skills in building homemade fireworks.

 He was hospitalised inNaplesand then moved to various convalescent homes (now mostly 5 * hotels) along the Amalfi coast.

 Hilda moved to the Stamp Office, following in the footsteps of her great, great uncle, Sir Rowland Hill, who set up the first Penny Post Service.

 I even recall him ironing his football laces.

 Mark kept a snake whose home was in a tank upstairs on the landing.

 I remembered going to visit her in hospital believing aunt Grace was trying to buy a baby.

 He completed the London to Brighton walk in 1969 in 11hrs 53 mins.

 Jim never married, though he had several what he called “lucky escapes!”.

 On his first driving lesson when told to feel the pedals he knelt down and touched them!

 

Now show us yours!

 

 I hope that celebrants who read this blog will rise to the challenge. Jeanne has a very good blog. Find it here. Her latest post on Baroness Warnock’s defence of faith and the C of E is well worth a read.

 

Britain’s Youngest Undertaker

15 September 2011
Charles
22 Comments
Categories: family funeral directors, funeral directors

Posted by Charles

Did you see Britain’s Youngest Undertaker on BBC3? It’s on the iPlayer and it’s worth a look

It’s a documentary which follows Mike Ryan’s funeral business in Newport through the awkward experiment of testing the vocation and aptitude of his younger daughter, Rachael. For Mike, this is all about legacy. He’s sixty and his health is poor, exacerbated by his irascible, control-freak temperament. He’s into succession planning. There are shades of King Lear in the scenario, and Rachael has much in common with Cordelia. Not that the film is a tragedy by any means. But there’s an underlying melancholy emanating from Mike, a difficult man whom I very much took to. Not an easy man, but a man of integrity.  

Rachael begins her apprenticeship as soon as she leaves school, a stroppy, pretty, spoilt (by Mike’s own admission) teenager. She has much of her father about her. She is put through her paces. She does grotty stuff, stocktaking coffins; she does difficult stuff, observing an embalming; and finally she gets to conduct a funeral, and she does just fine. She grows from arsey minx to thoughtful young woman. All will be well and Mike can heart-attack happy in the knowledge that all he’s built will go on. A lot of people will feel Rachael is too young. I don’t know that I am persuaded of that.

I don’t suppose there are many in the funeral trade, as Mike unsparingly terms it, who would have sat through this film oozing approbation. If Mike has made any money he’s certainly not reinvested much in his premises. There’s not a lot of peace, perfect peace about the place. There’s a moment when Mike cries out SHIT! from the ‘chapel of rest’, where he’s struggling with shirtsleeves and going off on one in front of a dead person.

Mike inhabits the type of a particular sort of undertaker. There are lots like him. Old school, for sure. For Mike it’s all about logistics and getting to the crem on time. He’s a fine-detail man. He comes over as impatient and obsessive. He treats everyone the same. But you can see that he’s got a heart of gold. I liked the way he greeted the family who come to ‘view’ in his jeans. No bullshit, not many words, but humanity for sure.

And this, I guess, is the plain way they do things in Newport. For everything that Mike might be perceived not to be, he is the product and servant of the culture of Newport. And that, I would say to critics, is actually the point.

Watch Britain’s Youngest Undertaker here.

Find the Ryans’ website here. Do read the comments.  

A picture tells a thousand lies

14 September 2011
Charles
3 Comments
Categories: Gangster funerals

The Daily Mail captioned a photo of the Mark Duggan funeral A salute to a ‘soldier’: Mourners lined the streets and raised their palms to say farewell to the father-of-four. Implicit was the allegation that this was a gangster salute, something guaranteed to send surges of fear and loathing through the indignation-hungry hearts of its chav-porn-addicted readers.

The reality turns out to have been somewhat (what the hell) boringly and very much more beautifully the reverse. The mourners were responding to the call by Bishop Kwaku Frimpong-Manson to “stretch our hands towards the casket and thank God for Mark’s life as he begins his heavenly journey.”

First Darkness

14 September 2011
Charles
No comments
Categories: Art and death

Posted by Denise Wyllie and Clare O Hagan

The two Artists and filmmakers Wyllie O Hagan (Denise Wyllie and Clare O Hagan) presented their multi-award winning film First Darkness at the Inaugural London Funeral Exhibition 2011 held at Woodland Burial Parks in Epping Forest on the outskirts of London this Summer.

The film forms part of an art exhibition consisting of a moving, beautiful short film, an art book plus a series of landscape pictures. The artists exhibit First Darkness outside of the usual gallery settings in more intimate settings seen by wider audiences. The short 8 minute film is available to be screened at venues such at home or included in a memorial service/ celebration of life event. An accompanying art exhibition is also available for loan or sale.

Artworks make a unique and lasting commemorative gift and the artists have original prints and paintings for sale. People wishing to purchase an artwork to share with their family for a very personal inheritance, contact Clare and Denise via their website.

Denise Wyllie and Clare O Hagan have been able to convey their personal experiences of loss and the love of Nature in this sensitive and powerful group of artworks. The film gives people a way of understanding and coming to terms with the loss of a loved one.

Clare O Hagan says “our original documentary film ‘First Darkness’ recreates the journey of an artist reconnecting with life after the death of her friend.” Denise Wyllie adds, “We see the sombre mood of the artist depicted in her initial art prints and how this darkness gives way to a ‘new Spring of hope’ as the delicate reviving colours of Nature wash over her paintings.”

Here is an excerpt of the First Darkness film:

First Darkness has been screened at important international film festivals such as Monaco, at the Angel Film Awards, winning Best Art Film and Best Original Music. It was also ‘In Competition’ at the Brazilian ‘Its All True’ documentary film festival in Rio de Janeiro  and Sao Paulo and achieved ‘Special Mention’ at the Asolo Art Film Festival, Italy.

Closer to home there was less red carpet but as much interest and enthusiasm for the screenings at the Inaugural London Funeral Exhibition 2011. The audience at this event were experts in many aspects of funeral management as opposed to film or art critics. The post screening discussions that followed were just as lively and successful, with the audiences covering many new aspects of the issues raised by the film.

After the screenings of the film Clare O Hagan and Denise Wyllie rode with the Paul Foyle’s Ostler Carriage Company who took them for a ride on his rig through the forest. They saw from this high vantage point many of the participating organisations. They rode past Reverend Paul Sinclair on his motorcycle hearse whilst a brass band played to visitors.  Diverse and intriguing exhibition stands lined the route through the forest including Winter Willow, Ecoffins,  information on civil funerals and photographic services by Priscilla Etienne of Funeography.   Clare and Denise waved at fellow participants, Charles Cowling from the Good Funeral Guide and Brian Jenner from the Six Feet Under Convention.

Clare tells the story, ‘In the forest’s late afternoon sunshine, our day’s business being concluded, the coachman, from the Ostler Carriage Company, Paul Foyle, took us for a ride on his rig through the forest. Sitting up high at the front beside Paul Foyle looking over the backs of the two strong white horses you could see a landscape full of light and shade within the forest.

Clare continues, ‘The sun filtered through the trees and fell onto the horses backs, their livery shimmering and tinkling in time to the beat of their hooves. I looked to my side and saw the handsome coachman, resplendent in his cape coat and bowler hat working his horses. We dipped our heads in unison as we pass under low hanging branches. I see Denise smiling broadly. In a forest filled with light, full of joy, my spirit soars and runs with the horses. Then it happened, that fleeting, elusive “being in the moment” moment. Who’d have thought that a screening of our film First Darkness at Epping Woodland Burial Park would have been so exhilarating, so life affirming?

So when I, giddy with excitement, heard the coachman say, “steady on gal”, I asked if he was talking to me or the horses? It wasn’t the horses he was talking to!’

Wyllie O Hagan wish to extend their thanks to the events organisers – Woodland Burial Parks Groups at Epping Forest – for staging the Inaugural London Funeral Exhibition and to congratulate them on a such successful event.

Wyllie O Hagan: http://www.wyllieohagan.com/

Information about the London Funeral Exhibition 2011 http://www.woodlandburialparks.co.uk/London-Funeral-Exhibition-2011.ice

What a rubbish funeral!

13 September 2011
Charles
1 Comment
Categories: Art and death

Artist Serena Korda collected dust from houses, businesses and institutions, compressing her finds of hair, dead skin and assorted waste products into 500 commemorative bricks. These bricks were displayed as part of the Wellcome Collection’s Dirt: The Filthy Reality of Everyday Life exhibition. Now that the show has reached its end it’s time to dispose of her curious construction. On Sunday, a horse-drawn carriage will transport the cargo to Brunswick Square Gardens for burial with a marching band, performing an original score by Daniel O’ Sullivan, and dancers in tow. It’s a peculiar procession and something you’re unlikely to ever witness again, but it is inspired by historical precedents. In Victorian times a giant ‘dust heap’ was stationed at Gray’s Inn Road and its accumulation of ash, cinders and rubbish was mixed with mud to produce the bricks that built London.

Source: Daily Telegraph

Keeping them honest

13 September 2011
Charles
7 Comments
Categories: funeral directors, Legal rights

Posted by Charles

What do we think of e-petitions? Democracy at its finest? A place where the mad, the bad and the rabid can loose off a bit of spleen? Something in between? HM Gov describes e-petitions as “an easy way for you to influence government policy in the UK”. We never supposed our governing class cared so much about what we think.

Topping the charts just now is Convicted London rioters should loose all benefits. You can see the rest here.

Languishing at the bottom we have this: Hook up the national grid to the crematoriums

Also down there is this: Regulation of Funeral Industry 

I’ve been monitoring this Regulation petition for a few days. When I first looked it had 5 signatories. When I just looked it had 7. It seems not to have legs.

In a more or less scandal free industry this is to be expected. But when an undertaker screws up, it’s natural that the person who’s been screwed is going to conclude that regulation is the answer. There’s an example of this here. 

I don’t think regulation is the answer for three reasons.

First, when someone dies it is their executor who is the lawful possessor of the body, responsible for disposing of it. So the executor is the funeral director. The executor has to register the death. The executor has to apply for burial or cremation. The executor has to demonstrate that he or she saw it through. The role of the undertaker is secondary, subordinate and collaborative. It is to do those things (and only those things) that the executor is allowed to delegate and which he or she doesn’t want to do. Conclusion: if an executor doesn’t need a qualification, why on earth would an undertaker?

Second, professionalising and regulating undertakers can only reinforce the perception that they are the default disposers of our dead and, worse, move them a step closer to being the only people allowed to do so. We the people are the default disposers of our dead. An undertaker is our agent. That is our ancient right, and that right defines our responsibility both to ourselves and to our dead. Our dead belong to us. Let us not give them up. 

Third, it is hard to see how nasty undertakers could be transformed into nice ones by government regulation. It doesn’t work like that in any other industry. It doesn’t work like that in America where costs are high and scandals plenty.

Where there is room for improvement—and there certainly is—it will be brought about by clients who exert informed expectations on undertakers. We all have a responsibility to guard our best interests, even at a time like death.

In short, consumer scrutiny is the way to keep ‘em honest. Don’t sign the petition.