Animal wakes and funerals

Posted by Vale

When Dorothy the chimp died at the sanctuary in the Cameroons, other members of her troop looked on as she was buried, comforting each other with touches and caresses.

Animals don’t just grieve; new studies suggest  that they might mark a passing too. Mark Bekoff of Colorado University has written that:

I once happened upon what seemed to be a magpie funeral service. A magpie had been hit by a car. Four of his flock mates stood around him silently and pecked gently at his body. One, then another, flew off and brought back pine needles and twigs and laid them by his body. They all stood vigil for a time, nodded their heads, and flew off. I also watched a red fox bury her mate after a cougar had killed him. She gently laid dirt and twigs over his body, stopped, looked to make sure he was all covered, patted down the dirt and twigs with her forepaws, stood silently for a moment, then trotted off, tail down and ears laid back against her head.

In another study reported on the BBC Nature website, when Western Scrub Jays:

‘spied a dead bird, they started making alarm calls, warning others long distances away.

The jays then gathered around the dead body, forming large cacophonous aggregations. The calls they made, known as “zeeps”, “scolds” and “zeep-scolds”, encouraged new jays to attend to the dead.

The jays also stopped foraging for food, a change in behaviour that lasted for over a day…

The results suggest that “without witnessing the struggle and manner of death”, the researchers write, the jays see the presence of a dead bird as information to be publicly shared, just as they do the presence of a predator.’

The reason suggested for the birds’ behaviour is that by broadcasting and marking the death, the flock is alerted to danger. Sounds fair, but the fasting as well?

The more you search the more you find. It isn’t safe or sensible for us to imagine that on this multitudinous planet we are alone in our feelings of grief or gladness, or in what seems to be a common need to mark a passing.

Grief in animals

Posted by Vale

The photo shows a swallow grieving for its mate who had been killed in collision with a car. In a series of shots (see them here) we see him first try to feed his mate and then, when he realises that she is dead, seems to cry out. But how can an animal ‘realise’ that another bird has died? can it know itself; can it comprehend death?

Rooting around I came across this on a site called Animalwise. It’s a description of a dolphin and a calf that has died:

‘…it was quite clear that the mother was mourning. She seemed to be unable to accept the death, and was behaving as if there was any hope of rescuing her calf. She lifted the little corpse above the surface, in an apparent late attempt to let the calf breath. She also pushed the calf underwater, perhaps hoping that the baby could dive again. These behaviours were repeated over and over again, and sometimes frantically, during two days of observation.

The mother did never separate from her calf. From the boat, researchers and volunteers could hear heartbreaking cries while she touched her offspring with the rostrum and pectoral fins. Witnessing such desperate behaviour was a shocking experience for those on board the research boat.’

In truth there is a huge amount of evidence that animals know death and grieve when it touches them. It’s not just the obvious ‘intelligent’ animals – the elephants, the dolphins or the primates – either. Conrad Lorenz, the naturalist, noted that:

A greylag goose that has lost its partner shows all the symptoms that [developmental psychologist] John Bowlby has described in young human children in his famous book Infant Grief … the eyes sink deep into their sockets, and the individual has an overall drooping experience, literally letting the head hang …”

A fascinating and very moving article in Psychology Today asks – with descriptions of grief amongst elephants and seals, magpies, llamas and wolves – not whether animals grieve, but why they should. I know it’s unscientific of me, but I find the question shocking. It springs, I suppose, from the view of animal behaviour that assumes that every action must have an evolutionary (selfish?) purpose.

I was relieved and comforted when in the end no explanation was offered, only the reflection that for all us animals:

“grief is the price of commitment, that wellspring of both happiness and sorrow.”

Worth reading the whole article.

Good Funeral Awards opening address

The Good Funeral Awards opening ceremony comprised a cavalcade of alternative hearses, a flower arranging contest, a dove release and a performance by the green fuse choir. It culminated in this address by funeral celebrant Belinda Forbes. You had to be there, of course, to get the full 120% because Belinda’s delivery is very compelling. But the 100% version still says it all.  

Looking around tonight, I think it’s fairly safe to say that we’re a mixed bunch.  But, as well as our funeral work, we do have something else in common…

We worry. And it’s not surprising.  With funerals, there’s only ONE chance to get it right.  No re-takes.

I worry about everything.  As the hollow-eyed man who is my husband will tell you.  However, most things are in our control so, it’s the day of the funeral when I do most of my worrying.  On one occasion I was so worried that the family bearers were going to drop the coffin that I did the only thing a celebrant can do in a situation like this. 

I shut my eyes. 

But whenever I’m worrying, there’s one thing I know I can depend on – all the people around me who care as well, wanting THIS funeral to be best it can be.  And to everyone I work with and the staff at my local crematorium in Bracknell: THANK YOU for looking after me and making me smile.

And so, despite the worry, I can truthfully say…

I love my job. 

But I don’t make a habit of telling people this.  Because they might think I’m saying, ‘I love death.’  Or worse, ‘I love it when people die.’

When we say what we do for a living, some people are fascinated and want to know more.  Others are so desperate to escape, SO determined NOT to know more, that they’ll put their hands up as if trying to protect themselves from what we might reveal!

Part of the shock is our fault of course.  Because we cunningly disguise ourselves to look like normal people. 

But tonight, thanks to a slightly bonkers yet wonderfully brilliant idea by those visionaries, Brian Jenner and Charles Cowling, we can reveal ourselves.  IN ALL OUR GLORY.

Instead of words like dismal, unpleasant, sombre and depressing we can UNASHAMEDLY use words like devoted, enthusiastic, dedicated and inspirational. 

And one day we’ll be able to tell everyone what we do for a living without apologising and saying, ‘It’s not as bad as it sounds…’

Finally, some advice from a lady who writes posts for the Good Funeral Guide Blog: that wise and fearless funeral-goer Lyra Mollington.

‘To the finalists: well done and my very best wishes.  And, if you win one of the awards, try not to look too elated or smug: just a serene acceptance that your brilliance has at last been recognised.’

And I now hand you back to the force of nature that is our host this evening.  The loveliest and most generous man in the land of funerals, Mr Charles Cowling.

ED’S NOTE: It was an inviolable condition of publishing this that the nice bits about me stayed in. Pass over them. Brian is justly garlanded

Good Funeral Award 2012 winners

 

Posted by Charles

Good Funeral Award 2012 Winners

Most Promising New Funeral Director
Bryan and Catherine Powell
Poppy Mardall

Embalmer of the Year
Mark Elliott
Julie-Anne Lowe

The Eternal Slumber Award for Coffin Supplier of the Year
Greenfield Creations
Crazy Coffins
Ecoffins

Most Significant Contribution to the Understanding of Death in the Media (TV, Film, Newspaper, Magazine or Online)
Final Fling
Mindfulness and Mortality

Crematorium Attendant of the Year
Peter Smith – Gloucester Crematorium
Alistair Anderson – City of London

Best Internet Bereavement Resource
Beyond Goodbye
My Last Song

The Blossom d’Amour Award For Funeral Floristry
Fairmile Florist
Fresh Floral Design, Hillview Florist

Funeral Celebrant of the Year
Karen Imms
George Callendar, Rupert Callender

Cemetery of the Year
Bidwell Woodland Burials
Wandsworth

Gravedigger of the Year
Bernard Underdown 
David Yeoman

Funeral Directors of the Year
Simon Smith and Jane Morrell at green fuse
Rupert and Claire Callender at The Green Funeral Company

Best Alternative to a hearse
Paul Sinclair, Motorcycle Funerals
Volkswagen Funerals
Necrobus

Book of the Year (published after 1 May 2011)
Making an Exit
Natural Death Handbook

Lifetime Achievement Award
Barry Albin-Dyer
John Mallatrat

Congratulations to you all!

We were conscious of three things above all when we devised this project. First, that it would celebrate the work of a lot of incredibly nice, deserving people who are wholly overlooked. Second, that it was likely to attract the sort of publicity that would redress some of the reputational damage the industry has suffered in the last year. Third, that it risked dashing hopes and creating unhappiness.

We scored high marks on 1 and 2. In addition to being filmed for an hour-long TV documentary to be screened in November, Mark Elliott, embalmer, spoke on R4’s Saturday Live. If you didn’t hear him, and Edwina Currie’s response, find it here. Oh, and there could be something in the Sun.

Regarding 3, we did not want anyone to travel any distance only to be disappointed, so our plan was to call both winner and runner-up to the stage and invite them both to speak. It would have diminished any perceived gap between them and, because there was so little gap anyway, it seemed appropriate. We were compelled by the TV people to scrap that at the last minute because we had run out of time, and that was distressing and regrettable. I’d like to say how sorry we are to all runners-up, conscious that sorry really isn’t good enough. (For some, there will be consolation that, in the documentary, they will get a lot more air time.)

Perhaps most surprising was the view of, I think, everyone I talked to afterwards that an awards ceremony has to create suspense and whoop-whoop at the expense of the downcast oh-so-close.

Do tell us what you think about concept and execution. Our default position is self-critical, so no praise, please.

My apologies if the above lacks lucidity, but I am very tired!

If you have any photos of the event, it would be a very great kindness if you would send them in. Needless to say, I took none. I’ll mount them as a slideshow in a forthcoming post.

 

Thoughts of a funeral-goer

Posted by Lyra Mollington

I was fascinated to read about the Good Funeral Guide Awards ceremony.  What a wonderful idea!  To all the finalists: well done and my very best wishes.  And if you win one of the awards, try not to look too elated or smug: just a serene acceptance that your brilliance has at last been recognised.

Here are my thoughts on each of the awards.

  1. Most Promising New Funeral Director: she or he should be as far removed as possible from Del Boy or Uriah Heep (the Charles Dickens character not the English rock band).  Sincerity and an ability to listen are paramount.
  2.  
  3. Embalmer of the Year: everyone who embalms for a living deserves an award.  Shortly after my neighbour Keith died, his wife Doreen was inconsolable when she saw his grey face seemingly contorted in agony.  A few days later, she visited him at the funeral home and he looked serene and peaceful.  In fact she had never seen him looking so relaxed.
  4.  
  5. Coffin Supplier of the Year: I am sure that anyone who reliably offers a large choice (and who supplies the correct design and the right size at short notice) is in with a chance here.  Valerie’s mum’s coffin looked lovely – pale blue with a meadow-flower design.
  6.  
  7. Most Significant Contribution to the Understanding of Death in the Media.  I don’t envy the judges on this one.  But the winner should definitely not be the producer of Midsomer Murders.
  8.  
  9. Crematorium Attendant of the Year.  This person should be like the young lady I met at Joyce’s funeral: smartly dressed, caring, calm, discreet and tactful.  With a friendly smile.
  10.  
  11. Best Internet Bereavement Resource:  another tricky one.  Apart from Barry, very few of my friends, bereaved or otherwise, use the internet.  But then there’s Jeremy – he loves the internet.  Three weeks after his wife’s funeral, he was using an online dating agency.  But that probably doesn’t count as an internet bereavement resource.
  12.  
  13. Funeral Floristry Award:  as someone who is incapable of arranging even the smallest bunch flowers, I admire anyone who can create floral displays.  However, I’m a traditionalist when it comes to flowers.  Some of the designs I have buy cialis manchester seen have not been to my taste but I have to admit that they were eye-catching and thought-provoking: a witch, a giant cigarette and a kangaroo spring to mind.
  14.  
  15. Funeral Celebrant of the Year: looking back at all the funerals I have been to, the celebrant at cousin Trevor’s funeral has been the best so far.  She barely batted an eyelid when that mobile phone went off with the ring-tone that asks, ‘Who let the dogs out’?  Also, she had carefully listened to Trevor’s wife Marjorie.  The ceremony was a perfect balance of laughter and solemnity.
  16.  
  17. Cemetery of the Year: I’m a little old-fashioned when it comes to cemeteries.  A cemetery is no place for helium balloons, wind-chimes, nodding dogs, flags or windmills.  In fact anything wind-related should be banned.
  18.  
  19. Gravedigger of the Year: these people deserve a medal.  I arrived early for a burial once and to my surprise a tall and handsome man appeared out of the ground.  He had just finished digging out a double-depth grave by hand.  Not only was it extremely hot, the earth was solid clay.  When one of the mourners threw in some ‘soil’ it landed on the coffin like a paving slab.
  20.  
  21. Funeral Director of the Year: this person must surely be a tried and tested version of the ‘Most Promising New Funeral Director’.  See my comments above.
  22.  
  23. Best Alternative to a Hearse:  this is an easy one.  Your own, or a borrowed, estate car.  Although I am still certain that with the seats down and the boot lid slightly raised I could fit Mr M’s body into the back of my Ford Fiesta.
  24.  
  25. Book of the Year (published after 1 May 2011).  Not Dead Yet by Peter James.  I love crime novels.  However these authors need to do their research on funerals more thoroughly.  Which is what I told Mr James when I met him last year.
  26.  
  27. Lifetime Achievement Award: I assume that this person will be fairly old and experienced with a good sense of humour.  Which could be me of course  – although, sadly, six months of writing about funerals probably doesn’t count as a lifetime’s achievement.

 

Something for the weekend

Posted by Vale

I was at a service a little while ago that included this lovely tribute from a wife to a husband:

To My Dear Loving Husband – Anne Bradstreet

If ever two were one, then surely we.
If ever man were lov’d by wife, then thee.
If ever wife was happy in a man,
Compare with me, ye woman, if you can.
Prise thy love more than whole mines of gold,
Or all riches that the East doth hold.
My love is such that rivers cannot quench,
Nor aught but love from thee give recompense.
Thy love is such I can no way repay.
The heavens reward thee manifold, I pray.
Then while we live, in love let’s so persever
That when we live no more, we may live ever

Complicated and moving, we were hardly prepared for the husband’s favorite song that followed, though the mischief on the face of the widow might have warned us.

Quotes of the day

Posted by Vale

The book of the week on Radio 4 this week has been the Winter Journal by Paul Auster. I was struck by two quotes from Joseph Joubert included in today’s excerpt. Joubert, who was living in the early 1800s, published nothing in his lifetime but a book of Pensees was culled from his note books and papers. Auster reports that this jotting was found amongst them:

‘The end of life is bitter’

But, written about a year later this was found:

‘One must die lovable (if one can).

Now, there’s a challenge! 

When in doubt

Posted by Richard Rawlinson

Doubt: a short, meaning-packed, medieval, Anglo-French word (origin douter) which I doubt many foreigners could pronounce if only seen in written form. Adapted as a verb, noun, adjective and adverb (to doubt, a doubt/doubter, doubtable, doubtably) it, of course, means to be uncertain, consider questionable, hesitate to believe.

None of us being omniscient, we all have doubts about a lot of things from life choices (relationships, jobs, homes) to metaphysical ideas. ‘Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards,’ said Soren Kierkegaard.

And if physical reality is unpredictable and error-prone, then existential meaning is unknowable. Faith—another short, meaning-rich word—is belief that doesn’t rest on material evidence. Even Richard Dawkins concedes, as a scientist, that he’s effectively agnostic as he cannot logically prove beyond doubt that atheism is true.

Philosophers have divided us into physicalists and dualists. The former claim we’re just a body, with the brain being the sophisticated organ that makes us a ‘person’ capable of complex thought, emotion and action. If we’re shot in the heart, our brain dies—we continue to be a body but cease to be a person. Just as a smile is created by muscle reflexes moving our lips to reveal our teeth, a mind, which gives us our unique persona, is an abstract term to describe the brain function’s cause and effect.

Dualism is an older school of thought that’s been developed in various forms by philosophers from Plato and Descartes to the Bhuddist teacher Dharmakirti. Putting aside the separate yin-and-yang, good-and-evil deliberations, dualism, in simple terms, separates mind from matter. It gives birth to an immaterial soul which, like a smile, mind, persona or self, is distinct from the body, although somehow interacting with the brain.

Though increasingly unfashionable among secular academics, modern agnostic and religious thinkers continue to argue that the gap between objective and subjective experience cannot be bridged by reductionism because consciousness is autonomous of physical properties. Philosopher Frank Jackson talks of a non-corporeal form of reality, and claims that functions of the mind/soul are so internal they cannot be observed by science. In comparison, we can know about a bat’s echolocation facility but we can’t know how the bat experiences it because it’s not a physical fact but a conscious one.

We can only have unscholarly hunches about whether or not we have souls, and indeed the nature of our souls. A shaman might believe he has a ‘free-soul’ that can undertake spiritual journeys. Others see the difference between soul and mind as mere semantics, and doubt a ‘soul’ has life beyond the body, let alone eternal life with its Creator/Saviour.

‘It is so hard to believe because it is so hard to obey,’ said Kierkegaard. He also said: ‘If I am capable of grasping God objectively, I do not believe, but precisely because I cannot do this I must believe’.

Religion as man-made psychological crutch for weak mortals, say the Freudians. And while we’re at it, why does this so-called God not make his loving presence evident in this world full of misery? But if, like God, our souls are not tangible things, surely it’s down to us to recognise we do not live by bread alone in order to develop an attitude capable of providing bread for all.

The Grim Biker’s on the telly

When I was asked if I would permit a crew to film a real biker’s funeral, complete with real mourners I was very cautious and indeed dubious to say the least. Funerals are not there to serve as PR opportunities so I was not keen at all, but while I was with the BBC a family happened to visit our workshop and I saw first hand how sensitive and professional the crew were…

Read all of Paul Sinclair’s account of his experience of being filmed by BBC Religion here. The programme’s out on Weds 12 September at 9pm on BBC2. The title is ‘Dead Good Job.’

A neglected grave

Posted by Richard Rawlinson

To Clergy House for a council meeting of the Friends of Westminster Cathedral. It’s the council’s job to organise fundraising events from concerts to barbecues for the upkeep of said cathedral, and to plan the best ways to spend the money raised. There are separate charitable initiatives that support the London homeless or international aid agencies, so the Friends’ work focuses on housekeeping matters: a mosaics appeal for the Chapel of St George and the English Martyrs, for example; the repair of a leaking roof; new lavatories for visitors, or the purchase of new missals for the year ahead.

While with clerical and lay council members in the wood-panelled library, a dinner is suggested to honour John Francis Bentley (1839-1902), the acclaimed architect responsible for the neo-Byzantine magnificence of the Cathedral.

During the meeting, I learn Bentley is buried, not in his architectural legacy, but in a cemetery in Mortlake, West London, and that his simple tombstone is neglected and in need of restoration, there apparently being noone left to take on its upkeep.

There are so many causes out there but it seemed sad that Bentley, though remembered in art history books, is being forgotten in his resting place. Something will be done about it.

Footnote: Other more famous worthies have no such anonymity. See here the much-visited graves of stars including Oscar Wilde, Bruce Lee, Princess Diana, Frank Sinatra and Jim Morrison.

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