Author: Charles

Learning to dance with death

25 June 2012
Charles
3 Comments
Categories: Art and death, Attitudes to death, bereavement, End-of-life issues

Posted by Vale

I was reading the vision statement for the Dying Matters Coalition recently (as you do) and stubbed my toe on their ambition to address death, dying and bereavement in a way that:

’will involve a fundamental change in society in which dying, death and bereavement will be seen and accepted as the natural part of everybody’s life cycle’

It made me wonder if there are any model societies where – in the terms of the Dying Matters Coalition – they have got it right.

I had the same reaction to those Tory statements about ‘Broken Britain’. I always wanted to ask when they thought it broke and when it was last ‘whole’. (My sneaking suspicion is that it was at about the time that this verse – never sung now – of All Things bright and Beautiful was written: ‘The rich man in his castle/The poor man at his gate/God made them, high or lowly/And ordered their estate’. But that’s a whole other argument).

Has there ever been a society with a truly healthy attitude to death, dying and bereavement? It would be interesting to hear some suggestions: is it Mexico with its Day of the Dead? Or Ghana with its glorious coffins?

My own mind flew back to the middle ages in Europe. It was a culture steeped in death and dying and supported by the consolations of a universal and unchallenged faith, but I am not sure they managed to naturalise death even then. The Danse Macabre – so often a representation of death-in- life – is no celebration of bereavement and dying, it is much more a metaphor for death’s disruptive power and the universality of its challenge.

Nothing, it seems to me, has changed.

GMFU non-self adjusting

24 June 2012
Charles
15 Comments
Categories: Co-operative Funeralcare

The cat is out of the bag. Monday’s Dispatches will mount a televisual airstrike on Co-operative Funeralcare. Channel 4 managed to get an undercover reporter into a hub and filmed bodies stacked “like TV sets” in racks – a disturbing image which will have a devastating impact on an organisation which has spent a great deal of money marketing itself as the people’s undertaker. 

This is not all that the Dispatches team achieved. There will be more. 

Responses so far from beleaguered Funeralcare spinners include: 

‘We are … shocked and disappointed by the information provided to us by this programme, which goes against everything we stand for.  

‘We do not believe that the instances shown in the programme are representative of our many caring staff.  

‘We have however, launched an immediate investigation into the programme’s findings and will take any action necessary to ensure our high standards and our policy of enabling clients to make informed choices is maintained.’ 

Funeralcare boss George Tinning told the Sun on Sunday: “This isn’t the way I want our funeral directors to behave. We will investigate and deal with it appropriately.”

Here at the GFG we have never hidden our loathing of an organisation which has both betrayed its foundational values and is also commercially cretinous. It couldn’t go on like this. The truth was bound to come out sometime. And when you take your stand on ethical probity, you’ve a heck of a long way further to fall. 

Tomorrow is going to be a horrible day for bereaved people who have entrusted their dead to Funeralcare. It is going to be a horrible day, too, for decent, caring Funeralcare employees who have been badly let down by their management. 

And the catastrophe will not be confined to Funeralcare. There will be contagion. Funeralcare is a member of the NAFD. What does this say about self-regulation and compliance controls? 

More info in the Sun here and the Mail here. 

Co-operative Funeralcar

24 June 2012
Charles
12 Comments
Categories: Co-operative Funeralcare

Brand new wheels for grief journeys bought by Co-op Funeralcare in Nottingham. One point two million quid’s worth. 

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comfortable.”

More here. 

RIP Bill Chapman

22 June 2012
Charles
2 Comments
Categories: Hearses

WR Chapman off to the crem on the back of one of his own. Where did that lovely cabinet come from?

Full story here

Requiem mass for Philpott children

22 June 2012
Charles
1 Comment
Categories: funeral, prisons, Requiem Mass

Posted by Richard Rawlinson

Before they were arrested and charged with the murder of their six children in a petrol-fuelled arson fire in their Derby council house last month, Mick and Mary Philpott started planning a funeral at the Anglican Derby Cathedral.

With the tragedy making headline news, they chose this local landmark, rightly predicting a lot of public demand to attend. The couple also requested six double-horse-drawn hearses to carry the coffins, and expected to raise funding through public donations.

As it turns out, the Philpott parents are not allowed to attend the funeral of children, Duwayne, Jade, John, Jack, Jessie and Jayden, aged between 13 and five. As their trial continues, they will remain in custody without compassionate leave. People may be innocent until proven guilty but the police deemed the threat of lynching by vigilantes too great, and the children deserve a peaceful funeral.

But another twist in the story is that early reports naming Derby Cathedral as the funeral venue have now switched to a full requiem mass at St Mary’s Catholic Church on St Alkmund’s Way. It takes place at 11am on Friday, followed by a private burial at Nottingham Road cemetery.

The substantial St Mary’s Church is not their local church, although their local priest, Fr Alan Burbridge of St George’s Church, will be giving the mass. He baptised some of the children and is affiliated to their primary school so knew them personally. Fr Burbridge visited 13-year-old Duwayne in hospital, where he died of smoke inhalation two days after the fire.

Over £14,000 has been raised by volunteers who set up a fund to pay for the funeral and burials, including six horse-drawn carriages.

Editor’s note: the children’s funeral is today. 

St Mary’s, Derby

Thoughts of a funeral-goer

22 June 2012
Charles
7 Comments
Categories: Thoughts of a funeralgoer

Posted by Lyra Mollington

With the ‘Funeral Services of the Christian Churches in England – New Edition’  tucked safely in my bag, I set off for the crematorium.  I planned to go to the office and apologise for inadvertently taking it.  I decided that this would be more dignified than replacing the book surreptitiously during a service.  Also, I wanted to leave my options open.  If the 12.30 funeral looked sparsely attended I would head home and catch the last 15 minutes of Bargain Hunt.

As I approached the gates, I spotted a police car in my rear view mirror.  What are the chances?  I told myself off for being silly.  The police had far more important things to do than lie in wait for an OAP to return to the scene of her crime or, rather, to the scene of her momentary lapse of concentration.

Needless to say, the police car parked alongside me.  I took great care when I opened my door.  A few of my previous dealings with the police flitted through my mind…on one occasion I was stopped for going through a red light at two o’clock in the morning.  One glance at Mr M snoring in the passenger seat and the lady police officer let me off with a sympathetic smile and a, ‘Be more careful next time.’ I wasn’t sure if she was talking about my choice of marriage partner or the traffic lights.

Having returned the book, I saw that a large crowd was gathering in front of the chapel doors.  I joined the mourners and before long we were asked to ‘please take your seats in the chapel’.  Yes, I thought, and that’s all I’ll be taking today.  I’m not even going to risk a photograph.  I held back as everyone began filing in knowing that, even if I was last in, I would find a seat near the front. 

I had just ‘taken my seat’ when a short, stocky man off to my right started remonstrating with the funeral director.  He sounded annoyed and I heard the words ‘dim-witted’ and ‘flowers’.  However, after just a few words (inaudible to me) from the funeral director, Mr Short-and-Angry had retreated.

I must have been staring for slightly too long because the person next to me said, ‘Dave’s brother, Roy.  Dave couldn’t stand him.  Looks like he wants to play the grieving relative.’

I nodded and pretended to check the shelf in front for an order of service.  My neighbour chuckled, ‘Nothing worth pinching here love!’

I could feel my cheeks redden.  Then I smiled hoping that he wouldn’t ask me how I knew the deceased.

‘I’m Neil.  We’ve met before haven’t we?’

I have found that, when in a potentially awkward situation, revealing as little as possible is usually the best option.  I pretended to look thoughtful for a few seconds.

‘Waitrose?’ I suggested.  Neil nodded and shook my hand, ‘Any friend of Carol’s is a friend of mine.’ I smiled again.

To my relief the chapel attendant’s voice boomed out, ‘Will you please stand.’  Unfortunately, my new friend continued talking over the music. (Something by Pink Floyd.)

‘57…no age is it?  Lung cancer.  Never smoked in his life.  Ridiculous.’

As the vicar introduced the first hymn, Neil quipped, ‘Can’t beat a bit of Love Divine – as the actress said to the bishop!’

To his credit, Neil sang beautifully.  But all too soon we were sitting down again and when we were invited to pray, he couldn’t resist another joke, ‘Eyes down, look in…’ And, after Reverend Roger had read from Revelations, Neil whispered, ‘No disrespect but, as Dave would’ve said, “What a load of old cobblers!”’ 

When Rev Roger spoke about Dave’s successful career as a builder, Neil’s commentary continued, ‘He couldn’t wait to retire – poor bugger!  Be careful what you wish for.’ 

After a few words about Dave’s family and his beloved wife Carol, who had nursed him until the end, Roger completed the eulogy by saying, ‘Carol has asked me to tell you how much Dave valued his friends.  He had known his best friend Neil since junior school – fifty years of loyal friendship and a lot of laughter along the way.’

Poor Neil let out an involuntary cry which he quickly stifled.  I handed him a tissue – I always have a handy pack in my bag. He nodded but didn’t utter another word until the final piece of music began, ‘Your Song’.

‘Carol and Dave chose that together.  It’s Ellie Goulding.  Beautiful isn’t it?’

We walked to the courtyard together.  Dave’s brother Roy was slightly ahead of us and speaking in an angry voice again.  This time it was to the vicar.  Something about the eulogy being an ‘absolute disgrace’.  Sadly the vicar didn’t seem to be having quite the same calming influence as the funeral director earlier.

Neil grinned.  ‘He’s upset because he didn’t get a proper mention.  You know, he never visited or phoned when Dave was ill.  And he was always jealous of Dave and how happy he and Carol were.  Come on! Let’s see how Carol’s doing.’

I told Carol that Neil had been looking after me.  She had no idea who I was of course but she put her arms around me and thanked me for coming.  Neil beamed proudly.  I thought about the words on the apron my son bought me for Mother’s Day:  ‘Keep calm and carry on’.

Angry Roy was now kneeling next to the flowers reading all the cards.  The unwanted guest being watched by the uninvited guest. I left before anyone noticed. 

© Lyra Mollington 2012

No, you can’t

21 June 2012
Charles
No comments
Categories: Uncategorised

Extracted from ThisIsLeicestershire: 

Teaching assistant Pam Goodwin, 44, who worked at Highcliffe Primary, in Birstall, died at home in the village on June 6, of cancer. Head teacher Pauline Aveling said: “Pam was a wonderful character and a pillar of the community. She worked very hard to help the children in her care. She was loved by all the staff.

Staff were buy generic cialis in australia granted compassionate leave by governors to attend the funeral and an initial decision was made to close the primary for the day.

However, County Hall refused permission on the grounds it was not a standard request and not enough notice was given to parents.

 

Full article here

Great biz idea for somebody

21 June 2012
Charles
2 Comments
Categories: memorialisation

Why (oh why) has no one developed a waterproof teddy bear for child graves? Can’t be rocket science, surely?  Come on, you budding entrepreneurs! 

The order is rapidly fadin’

21 June 2012
Charles
4 Comments
Categories: alternative funerals, ashes, Attitudes to death, Body donation, ceremony, cremation, Formality vs informality, funeral customs, funeral directors, Religious funerals

Blog reader Kathryn Edwards has drawn our attention to an interesting article in the Guardian. Thanks, Kathryn. 

In it, Rosanna Greenstreet tells how her aunt Molly donated her body for medical education or research, thereby denying everyone the benefit of a funeral. Greenstreet tells us what family and friends did instead:

Molly didn’t believe in God and hated funerals, but she loved a party. So on Saturday 12 May, on what would have been her 94th birthday weekend, Stephen and Prudence held one for her. The celebration lunch was in a private room at the Michelin-starred restaurant, Chez Bruce, in south London. All Molly’s nearest and dearest came. There were photos of her through the ages and letters of condolence from her friends. It was a lovely occasion: we drank champagne as we shared our memories of Molly, and there were no tears.

Greenstreet’s father also wants to donate his bodyto Cambridge university, both for the benefit that will confer and also because it will enable him to evade a funeral. He’s written down seven reasons: 

1. Hopefully, to make some contribution to medical training

2. To spare relatives the trouble of organising a funeral.

3. To spare my estate the cost of a funeral (a “cheap” one might cost £3,000).

4. To spare possible “mourners” the trouble of attending a funeral. 

5. To avoid the hypocrisy of troubling the Anglican church to participate in a service when I have attended so few other services since I left school.

6. There is nothing that could be said or sung at a church funeral service that would reflect my views (such as they are) on life, death and fate. Anyone curious about my life can be sufficiently informed by my detailed and intimate diaries (currently 76 volumes).

7. To avoid anyone having to trouble to say anything interesting or pleasant about a life distinguished only by its lack of significant distinction – or disgrace.

Typically self-deprecating and, perhaps, peculiarly British. Anthony Greenstreet may be 83 but he’s in tune with the zeitgeist. Like an ever-increasing number of people, he can’t see the point of a conventional funeral, and his daughter is catching on to the attractions of a funeral without a body. 

Greenstreet concludes:

It’s hard to think about what we will do to remember my father when he has gone up to Cambridge for the last time. Fancy restaurants have never been his thing – he has always preferred home-cooking. Nor does he drink much – his preferred tipple is tea, taken without milk, harking back to the days when he started his career as a “humble clerk” in India. So, perhaps, when the time comes, we will sit around the kitchen table with a cuppa, make a start on those 76 diaries, and really find out what made the old man tick!

The comments under the article are worth reading. Here are some:

Mrs PunkAs

When my father in law passed away recently we respected his wishes not to have a funeral – he was non religious and wanted no public gathering so instead we hired a room at the crematorium and gave the four grandchildren an assortment of multi coloured vivid markers each. They spent a lovely half an hour drawing all sorts of stuff all over his coffin, pictures, words, memories etc. It was really good for them. It was the best send-off I’ve been to.

 Mykeff

I’d like to be stripped of all useable parts and then squashed into an old cardboard receptacle and ploughed under at a random beauty spot.
Reduce. Reuse. Recycle.

Sandyr9 (whose father donated his body)

For my father, we reserved a chapel, placed an obituary with time and location of service, called distant friends and relatives, and had a lovely service: A minister friend presided, biblical passages were preached and discussed, and traditional hymns were played. After the service, there was a reception wherein attendees met and conversed with family. To my thinking, we had a funeral for my father.

 These sentiments are as common among Guardian readers as they are among the readers of any other paper. Each inspires the others to do something minimal or creative or alternative or all of the above. And of course, the more people exchange these sorts of views, the more they empower themselves, so that when the time comes, the more likely they are to have the clarity of mind to reject a funeral director’s conventional  offer. 

The message to funeral directors is one that Bob Dylan set to music all those years ago: better start swimming. 

Full Guardian article here.