Author: Charles

Pyre appeal, Ghana

24 April 2012
Charles
1 Comment
Categories: cremation, funeral pyres, music

In Ghana the famous xylophonist Bernard Woma is appealing for money for a new funeral pyre for the people of his village. Here’s what he says:

Due to centuries held traditional practice, the Dagara people perform funerals in a public setting. This public funeral ritual means that the deceased is displayed in a pyre mounted on woods and covered with a large cloth for public viewing and mourning. Funerals are the most important rites of passage for humanity on earth and the way cultures celebrate funerals serve to satisfy their beliefs in honoring their dead.

Due to the deforestation in the area and no more trees to cut and mount a funeral pyre, people are moving toward better ways to get a funeral pyre. Majority of Dagara communities have began using metal framework designed by the local metal workers at the Nandom Technical School to make permanent funeral pyres in which communities in one area can come together to purchase one for use when there there is a funeral in their villages. The cost is not cheap especially for these poor communities, but it is a good lasting investment and it helps to save the already poor environment in terms of cutting down the trees to make pyres anytime death occurs.

In line with these changes, the villagers of Hiineteng have approached me to help them acquire a community pyre. They have demonstrated their seriousness and commitment by contributing a meager amount of 150 Ghana cedis equivalent to $100. This contribution has been going on for two years due to their poor financial capabilities. The pyre, made in three sizes, cost between $800 and $1200. When I asked at the NandomTechnicalSchool, the small size of funeral pyre costs 1,200 Ghana cedis about $800. The medium one costs 1, 400 Ghana cedies about $950 and the large one cost 1, 600 Ghana cedis about $1100.

Because of their passionate appeal to me and their commitment to get one for the village I am appealing to you to support us with whatever you can afford. We are looking to purchase the medium size pyre and we hope to get it this year if we can come up with the money.

I emailed Bernard and asked him what he reckons is the best way to get money to him from the UK. This is what he said:

Dear Charles

Thank you so much for the note. I went on your funeral website and saw what you are doing. These things sometimes considered little do contribute significantly to the social well being of society and I appreciate your work and willingness to help out my community. I am currently in the US and will be going back to Ghana on May 17th to be there for the entire summer. One way to send money to Ghana is by western union or if you want to send the donation by check to avoid the wiring charges at western union, then you can just mail a check in my name to my US address. So please let me know how to want to send it.  Thank you again and this means a lot to me and my village.  My address here is

Bernard Woma
800 N Smith Road
Apt K 5
Bloomington, IN 47408
USA

The GFG, skint as it is, will be sending Bernard a cheque, and we hope you will, too.  One for you, GM? 

Find Bernard’s website here.

What does it cost to run a crematorium?

24 April 2012
Charles
8 Comments
Categories: cremation, crematoria, funeral cost

Here’s an extract from a feasibility review conducted by Rugby Borough Council Jan 2010, which plans to build a new crematorium. The review gives us useful info about how these things are costed:

Staffing:

“It is proposed that the number of staff recommended would be: 1 Manager, 1 Administration Officer, 1 Operative

“With on-costs this would be in the region of £99,450 per year, so based on 1,000 cremations a year this would equate to £99.45 per cremation.

“An additional personnel cost at crematoria has been the organist, however there is an alternative system, called the Wesley Music System which is PC and internet based and could be operated by staff and would cost approximately £5,000 per year. Allowing £1,000 for equipment purchases etc the cost would work out at £6.00 per cremation.”

Equipment operating costs

4 cremations a day for 50 five-day weeks of the year (ie, 250 days out of a total 365) in a single cremator @ 90 mins a funeral = 6hrs’ cremator use per day.

Gas — £7.50 per cremation

Electricity — £4.00 per cremation

Reagent and disposal — £4.75 per cremation

TOTAL — £16.25

So: staffing and operating costs as per Jan 2010 stood at £99.45+£6.00+£16.25 = £121.70

The rest of the money goes on maintenance of plant, grounds and building together with capital costs.

Go figure.

Rugby’s plans go to the Planning Committee any day now.

Read the full document here.

Following the logic of more efficient cremation

24 April 2012
Charles
1 Comment
Categories: cremation, crematoria

Posted by Charles

An undated document issued by the Institute of Cemetery and Crematorium Management (ICCM) makes clear its policy on the practice of ‘holding over’ – the retention of bodies for up to 72 hours in order to optimise cremators:

5.  Operation of Cremation Equipment

At present cremator operating time in relation to usage of fossil fuel, reduction of harmful emissions and efficiency is overlooked.

It is current practice to pre-heat cremators at the start of each day and cool them down after the last cremation of the day and repeat this process throughout the week. Apart from the excessive use of fossil fuel for daily pre-heating, the risk of emissions of pollutants from the first cremations of each day is increased.

Holding cremations over for a limited period will allow continuity of use with resultant reductions in fuel consumption. Industry codes of practice have attempted to address this situation with the Federation of British Cremation Authorities code stating that the cremation should take place within 24 hours of the funeral service whilst the Institute of Cemetery & Crematorium Management’s Guiding Principles for the Charter for the Bereaved states 72 hours. Despite these codes of practice being in existence very few crematoria hold cremations over for any period. This lack of action by authorities is perpetuating the impact on the environment. [Source]

You’ve got to hand it to the ICCM, it got away with pushing the holding over time from 24hrs to 72hrs with barely a squeak of outrage from the media. Its acceptability to families is now proven – they have to give permission. But we hear of funeral directors so opposed to it that they talk their families out of it.

Once in a while, inevitably, we hear howls of outrage. Here’s a recent howl from Salisbury:

PLANS to refrigerate dead bodies for up to 48 hours before cremating them were approved on Monday despite being branded “morally unacceptable”.

Five councillors on Salisbury City Council’s services committee were outraged by proposals for a cold storage facility to be installed as part of the £2.34million refurbishment of Salisbury’s crematorium. 

Councillors Jo Broom and Brian Dalton said it would be insensitive to bereaved families and cllr Bobbie Chettleburgh said nobody wants to think that their mother is being kept in the freezer “next to the frozen peas”.

This sort of inflammatory imbecility from indigenous community leaders is a common feature of debates about death and funerals. It goes to show just how profoundly ignorant people generally are about such things, especially those who should know better.

There was some good sense uttered at the meeting:

Cllr Frank Pennycook said: “I think we need to remember that bodies are kept in storage after death already – in the hospital morgue and at the undertakers. If I died and my body was the only one at the crematorium that day I’d want them to store it until they had more.”

And:

City clerk Reg Williams said: “By far the most expensive part of the crematorium is firing up the cremators. If we only have one or two a day, that’s an extremely expensive and poor use of them.

[Source]

The ICCM’s impact-on-the-environment argument is strong. But come on, chaps, 72-hour holding over is a sticking plaster solution to a much more serious problem. Crematoria as they exist in this country will forever be grossly inefficient burners of the dead. If the logic of 72 hours holds, then so does the logic of uncoupling the incinerators and having one incineration facility for several crematoria. If people aren’t bothered by the wait, they are hardy likely to be bothered by a short journey by road.

If the environmental argument is strong – and it is – then it should be pursued to its logical conclusion. 

Assisted death — no

23 April 2012
Charles
No comments
Categories: euthanasia

George Pitcher is an Anglican priest and journalist. This is what he wrote about his mother’s death:

I tried to kill my mother in 1993. I didn’t attempt the act myself, you understand, but I asked a nurse to increase her morphine dosage to a lethal level, so that she might be washed away on an opiate tide. At seventy-five, Mum had been operated on for a brain tumour, but the cancer had spread uncontrollably and they had stiched her up and told us she hadn’t hot long left. My sister made her comfortable in her house, and when her condition nosedived, I took the train to the West country and found my sister taking a break in the garden. It was easy to see why. Mum was unconscious, but taking great, rattling last gasps of breath, her body clearly staging one last, hopeless rage against the dark.

When the nurse came that afternoon to change her morphine drip, I begged her, in tears, to bring this pointless suffering to an end. The nurse was lovely: patient and kind, but firm. No, she said, she couldn’t do that, but she held my hand and said that all would be well soon. Given all the fuss recently about nurses offering prayer for their patients, I recall that she also assured me that Mum would be “better” soon. It was an act of excellent and professional pastoral care.

She was right, of course – about the morphine dosage, I mean. That evening, the morphine faded and Mum regained consciousness for a few minutes. We could talk to her, hold her, say goodbye, tell her we loved her. She couldn’t speak, but she struggled to communicate with my sister and me, with her eyes and her smile. And I realized in awe that, in a final, selfless act of motherhood, she was comforting us, rather than the other way round.

I wouldn’t have missed that last exchange for the world and, of course, I will carry it with me, as a comfort and a revelation of the meaning of death, for the rest of my own life. But had the nurse been able to respond to my earlier pleas for release, we would have been denied those precious fifteen minutes. I shiver when I think of what I could have lost, had a medical professional not saved me from myself.

Thoughts of a funeral-goer

20 April 2012
Charles
4 Comments
Categories: Thoughts of a funeralgoer

Posted by Lyra Mollington

I love a man in a kilt.

This week I was treated to the magnificent sight of dozens of men in kilts!  It was Braveheart without all the blood and gore!  As the hearse came through the gates, the pipe band marched at a slow and steady pace, playing Highland Cathedral, one of my favourite tunes on the bagpipes.

With the unsettled weather we’ve been having lately, it was a relief when the sun shone brightly that morning.  But there was also a stiff breeze – just enough wind to add a little drama to the proceedings.

I have to confess that I didn’t know the Scottish gentleman who had died.  I’d heard about the funeral on the grapevine and I felt hopeful that it would be more engaging than the sombre send-offs that have been the norm in recent months.

Whilst I greatly enjoyed hearing the band when we were standing outside, I was relieved that only one of the pipers played as we entered the chapel.  Robbie’s widow looked both dignified and radiant in a pale cream suit and tartan scarf.  Sitting next to her was a man with a beard.  His name was Angus and he read the only eulogy.  He was tall with sturdy calves, and extremely entertaining.  He began like this…

‘Let’s face it, Robbie was a bit of a show-off and he wore his tartan at every opportunity – he didnae save it for best!  Once when he was walking across Trafalgar Square, two middle-aged women approached him.  One of them said, “I’ve always wanted to know but I was too afraid to ask: is anything worn under the kilt?”

“No madam,” said Robbie with a completely straight face. “Everything under my kilt is in pristine condition and in perfect working order.”’

Having lightened the mood, albeit with an old joke, Angus continued by telling us that Robbie was one of three children.  To Robbie’s embarrassment, he was the only one not to have been born in Scotland.  His mother had been visiting friends in Wolverhampton when she went into labour.  This biographical detail was greeted with nods of sympathy – poor Robbie’s secret shame!

Angus was in his stride and he spoke movingly about the people that were closest to Robbie’s heart… his wife; his sons and the Scottish rugby team – not necessarily in that order.  He told us about some of his favourite things – the bagpipes; single malt whisky and Midsomer Murders.

The tribute was wonderful – affectionate with just the right amount of humour.  Perhaps most importantly of all, it wasn’t too long.  He left his audience wanting more.

He ended by telling another joke.  Whilst this is not often a good idea at a funeral, Angus had judged the mood of the mourners well.  It was greeted with laughter and applause.

‘Old Dougie was on his death-bed.  His devoted wife Janet sat at his side and asked, “Anything I can get you, Dougie?”

No reply.

“Have ye no’ a last wish, Dougie?”

His voice weak and frail, he finally said, “Just a wee bit of boiled ham.”

“Och, man,” said Janet. “Ye ken fine that’s for the funeral.”

As everyone was applauding, I noticed that Angus was retrieving something from behind the lectern – it was a bottle of Scotch.  Robbie’s favourite Glenfiddich.  He poured himself a generous measure and, standing in front of the coffin, he downed it in one and bowed his head.  Another round of applause.

As the curtains closed, we sang Flower of Scotland.

There wasn’t a dry eye.

Saying goodbye to Dad

19 April 2012
Charles
5 Comments
Categories: funeral music, music

A lot of people would reckon this song mawkish and sentimental and, of course, in their own terms, they’d be right. But for a great many other people, this would make an excellent funeral song. Luther Vandross wrote it from his own experience of his father’s death when he (Luther) was seven. 

Even if you don’t like it, it’s got plenty of blast from the past power. 

Here’s an alternative.  

Have you got any great funeral song ideas? Tell us, please!

Get up and gone

19 April 2012
Charles
No comments
Categories: Uncategorised

DEAR ABBY: My father passed away four years ago. Right after his funeral I found a bottle of Viagra hidden in the trunk of his car.

My sister and I agreed that we should keep it to ourselves and not tell my mother, but Mom and I are extremely close and I feel guilty keeping this secret.

My father had multiple affairs while he was married to Mom, so it wouldn’t surprise me if he was cheating on her. Because of conversations that I have had with her, I am 100 percent sure she didn’t know he was buying generic Viagra online and using Viagra. My mother remarried two years ago. Does she have the right to know, or should my sister and I take it to our graves?

— Two sisters in California

DEAR SISTERS: Your father’s time on earth is over. Your mother is happily (I hope) remarried and has gone on with her life. I see no reason to revisit your father’s probable indiscretions at this late date. It’s time to let him and this subject rest in peace.

Source

No yolk

19 April 2012
Charles
No comments
Categories: ashes

A funeral director has been asked by a family to find a number of egg timers for the ashes of one of his clients. He can’t find any and has asked us if we can help. 

Sadly, we can’t. But can you? If you can, please drop us an email: charlescowling@blueyonder.co.uk

Good vibrations?

19 April 2012
Charles
6 Comments
Categories: Uncategorised

Promession has been a talking point ever since it was first described. It has not yet come to market, causing people to wonder if it ever will. When we raised doubts over whether the process is in fact able to reduce a body to organic powder by means of gentle vibration we received a lawyer’s letter from Promessa, the only time anyone has proposed to sue this blog for libel. We’re running the same risk again today.

When licence-holder Promessa UK pulled out of the project a few weeks ago they issued this damning conclusion: “In Promessa UK’s professional opinion and after a lengthy period of due diligence Promessa UK believes Promession is still at concept stage.”

Somewhere in all this lies the verifiable truth — demonstrable scientific fact. 

Free, easy, devastating

19 April 2012
Charles
6 Comments
Categories: funeral directors, perceptions of funeral directors, scandals

Posted by Charles

Funeral shoppers are nervous shoppers. They are in unknown territory, they’ve got nothing to go by. Of all shoppers, funeral shoppers are the most likely, if they catch a glint or a whiff of anything negative about a funeral director, to rear up, eyes rolling, and gallop away as fast as they can. 

That is the power of Qype and all those other review websites. We know we can’t trust everything we read on Amazon and Tripadvisor, but we can bring some experience to bear and come to a considered judgement. Funeral shoppers don’t have that sort of savvy to guide them. 

Here at the GFG we list funeral directors we like (not nearly enough; it’s a work in progress) and we post reviews from consumers. We have enough nous to sort them at source. Almost all negative reviews come from, surprise surprise, rival funeral directors. These reviews are easy to spot and delete because they usually employ undertakerly jargon. “The causal way he paiged the hearse was a discrace” is a dead giveaway. But some feedback, though sincerely meant, may be wide of the mark. A recent poor review of a GFG funeral director was sent in by an ex-wife whose children had arranged the funeral with an ‘alternative’ funeral director. The children had no complaint, but the complainant hadn’t liked the non-traditional style of the funeral. The funeral director was blameless and the complaint was a matter between herself and her children. I didn’t post it. 

But Qype might have — almost certainly would have. It would have been enough to frighten a lot of horses. 

In the case of malicious complaints, the potential for damage is enormous. Did you read about the recent experience of Damian Melville of Melville and Daughters, Tottenham?

The owner of a Tottenham funeral firm claims his business has fallen victim to a cyber bully leaving “fake” feedback on a review website.

Damian Melville, 33, opened Melville and Daughters funeral directors in West Green Road two years ago to ensure future job security for his children, aged five and 12.

Mr Melville, who lives in Enfield Chase, first started noticing the less than favourable reviews on the popular business review website, Qype, in December, but is now seeking criminal action against the internet user.

The claims, which show up as the first result on search engine Google, include information about how the supposed customer was “hounded” by the firm four days after the funeral to pay for overdue payments.

The Qype user also complained about the late arrival of the horse-drawn hearse and the use of an ill-fitting wig on the body of a deceased person. [Source]

Mr Melville has had to resort to expensive litigation to get the reviews removed — but not after they’d done incalculable reputational damage. 

It is unlikely that Mr Melville is the first to have suffered in this way. He certainly won’t be the last. For both funeral shoppers and funeral directors these online review sites are a serious matter.