Partial eclipse of the Moonies

The Moonies, followers of that well-known oxymoron Sun Moon, want to create a one-acre natural burial ground in the village of Stanton Fitzwarren, near Swindon.  It’s not just for Moonies; the villagers are welcome, too.

The villagers aren’t happy, of course. The English are not natural-born embracers of change (or even of each other); they are more given to stopping things than making things happen. Count all the campaigns you are aware of. I bet they’re all to stop buy cialis using paypal something.

With what do the villagers take issue, do you suppose? The exotic beliefs and alleged cult practices of the Moonies, of whom Sun Moon himself said: “Looking at the Moonies from the normal, common-sense point of view, we certainly appear to be a bunch of crazy people!”?

No. Nothing so high-octane. In the words of parish councillor Liz Bannister: “It’s because of the parking more than anything.”

How English is that!

Read the story here.

Carla

Here’s the news I’ve been dreading and, if you’ve been following Carla’s blog, you will have been, too. In her own words:

Carla Zilbersmith, born December 15, 1962, died today, May 17th, 2010. Carla Zilbersmith died in her  home this afternoon of Lou Gherig’s disease, also known as ALS.  Carla Zilbersmith was mother to Maclen Zilber, her only son…that she knows of.  She was also daughter to Jack and Velma, sister to Jason and Stephen.  Friend to an amazing group of caring, creative and competent friends, and lover to several very lucky and largely undeserving men.  Although ALS is a fatal and incurable illness,  Carla never gave up hope that one day her death would be surrounded by a cloud of controversy and speculation.  Her final words, spoken through a clenched jaw were “oil can.”  The memorial is tentatively planned for the afternoon of, Saturday, June 5th. Details will be emailed as soon as they are determined.  It is guaranteed to be the funniest funeral that you have ever attended  or your flowers back. Costumes encouraged but optional.

A wonderful and terrific person. A very sad day.

My thanks to Pam Vetter for letting me know.

Greening grief

The GFG motored purposefully south yesterday afternoon to Chiltern Woodland Burial Park. It was a three-birds-with-one-stone mission: to have a look at this well-heeled natural burial ground; to hear the great Dr Bill Webster talk about grief; and to meet up with Louise from Sentiment and Jon from MuchLoved, two of Funeralworld’s Good Guys.

I think I’ve reached a stage now where I don’t know what I think about natural burial. On the one hand, there is the seductive loveliness of the best burial grounds; on the other, the seeming forgottenness of those whose gravesites have resolved themselves into indistinguishability. We are all forgotten eventually, of course, and our graves unvisited for some time before that. What would make the best sense of the environmental mission of Chiltern would be a re-use of graves policy—impossible under present legislation. In the meantime, I wonder if they’re burying enough people to recoup investment. The buildings are either very beautiful if you like that sort of thing, or unobjectionable if you don’t. There’s a gathering hall and a ceremony hall with lots of glass and a lectern a little like an elaborate bird table. The design of the site conforms to an elaborate conception of the architect that your experience should mirror “the inner journey that we humans where to order cialis online make as we honour and release the body of a loved one to the grave”.  This is not necessarily apparent, of course, but, in addition to money, a lot of thought has gone into this place.

Outside the hall I was greeted hospitably by Dr Bill, whom I had not met before, and invited to join his group of tea drinkers. Dr Bill is sharp, funny and humane. He talks a lot of sense, and in a way which people can relate to. I was a fan in around 1 second, possibly less.

A great deal of what he said about grief counselling related to funerals. Here’re just some of the things he said that I jotted down: “You have to make the words with which to put someone to rest—that which cannot be put into words cannot be put to rest … Put the dying and the death into the context of the whole life lived … Empowerment is the antidote for loss of control. Never do anything for those who grieve which they can do for themselves.”

There’s a big lesson here for funeral directors and celebrants, I think: “Never do anything for those who grieve which they can do for themselves.”

Do have a look at Dr Bill’s website. It’s full of excellent resources. Click here.

Dig those stats

I received this interesting insight into Dignity’s profitability the other day from a good friend of the GFG, Andrew Plume.
I was mulling over some Dignity stats the other day.

Much is made of 65,000 funerals having been carried out for year ending December 2009. Given that they merrily declare having “546 funeral locations” in the UK, are those figures really that strong?

This equates to 119 funerals per branch per year. That’s hardly impressive and looking at the name firms that they trade under, some of whom were fantastic names when long ago independent, I would personally be very unhappy with these results. As I’ve said before, some of these branches simply have to be considerably under performing. Dignity reckon that their market share last year was 11.8%. Is that really such a good ‘return’?

Compare this to at least two independent family firms that I know well. They both own their own buildings and each only trade from one location. Both are on course for 550-600 funerals this year, possibly more. Each of them have minimal advertising costs and no vast amounts of area management to pay for, which is the case with Dignity. Both of these firms are cheaper than Dignity.

Not difficult to draw conclusions on profitability?
Hmnn…

Thanks, Andrew!

A funeral is a branding exercise

“The woman seated next to me on the plane told me her name was Stefanie but that she went by Adventure Girl … Then Adventure Girl asked me what my brand was. No one had ever asked me that before.”

Thus begins a quest by Joel Stein to find his brand.

“To get my brand out there, I consulted Amy Jo Martin, whose company, Digital Royalty, creates social-media strategies to increase the reach of people like Shaquille O’Neal. Martin wanted to define my brand further and asked me to describe myself. I told her I was lazy, self-involved and sexually frustrated. Martin, who is very good at her job, turned “lazy” into “needing stimulation,” which she then turned into “dynamic” and finally “rock star.” She transformed “self-involved” into “open.” Starting to get it, I suggested that “sexually frustrated” is really just “sexy.” “I think the first two for sure,” she said.

“By the end of our conversation, Martin had convinced me that in the age of Facebook, Twitter, YouTube and Flickr, putting out an exaggerated version of your personality is necessary. Sure, we want the people in our lives to have a full understanding of us, but controlling our shorthand is a good idea. It’s like our superhero costumes, only not necessarily supergay. If you don’t give your brand some thought, you become the guy whose funeral is all about how much he loved the Mets.

“”A funeral is the ultimate brand evaluation,” Martin said.”

What an interesting idea!

Read the whole piece here.

Funeral food – Kate Campbell

AuntAunt Fidelia
Brought the rolls
With her
Green bean casserole
The widow Smith
Down the street
Dropped by a bowl
Of butter beans
Plastic cups
And silverware
Lime green
Tupperware everywhere
Pass the chicken
Pass the pie
We sure eat good
When someone dies

Funeral food
It’s so good
For the soul
Funeral food
Fills you up
Down to your toes
Funeral food
Funeral food

There sits mean
Ole Uncle Bob
Gnawing on a corn
On the cob
And who’s that
Walking
Through the door
I don’t think
I’ve ever
Seen him before
Isn’t it a shame
She passed away
She made
The best chocolate cake
Let’s hit the line
A second time
We sure eat good
When someone dies

Everybody’s here
For the feast
But come next week
Where will they be

Nick Gandon on funeral costs

Nick Gandon operates the UK’s first and, so far as I know, only dedicated direct cremation service. Here is the comment he left on this post from a few days ago, and which you might have missed. I first wrote about Nick here.

When I started out in the world of funerals, they were just that little bit less complicated, and the “big groups” just didn’t exist, (with maybe the exception of the Great Southern Group).   Even the Co-Ops were still in “bite-size” individual chunks of local business.

In terms of evolution, 1970 was not that long ago, but in terms of business, thats another story.

Things were simple, costs were realistic – a “regular” cremation cost between £170 – £190 depending on the catering.  Few firms thought of offering pipers, doves, fireworks, novelty hearses etc., and most funeral services had humble premises – with a chapel of rest at a chosen few.  The Austin princess motor hearse was King.

Then along came big business and public expectation, driven by “what America does today”, and health and safety costs, profit margins, national advertising, working time directives etc etc.

Now, I’ve always supported the “is there anything else I can do for you?” approach of a conscientious Funeral Director, but, by segmenting the choice of Basic, Traditional and wherever else grades/costs of funerals, there obviously has to be a point where the FD draws the line.

It could be argued that in their haste to outdo Smith Bros down the road, Miggins Bros Undertakers have created a financial rod for their own back, and so on across the UK.  The new premises may be palatial, but the cost inevitably goes on the funeral bill.

Local authorities set the cremation and burial costs, private enterprise follows – and therein lies the largest chunk of profit in the funeral account.  A “sacred cow” which is arguably a bit of a scandal.  The profit created by a council-run crematorium is substantial.

By getting caught-up in the business rat race, most FDs have adopted the “grow or disappear” ethos.  They probably have little other choice.  Their accounts will reflect that situation.

Ironic, therefore, that a growing number of “funeral buyers” actually seek the opposite of the “monster” that modern trend has created.

Something “dignified and very simple” is a request that I hear more often these days.

When comparing and justifing the costs of providing the elements of a funeral, few people outside the funeral profession can have the slightest idea of just how many factors come into play.

Some FDs have built a business aimed at the more humble of us, with day-to-day costs that match.  There are firms that aim their business to extract as much wonga from the public as they can possibly get away with.

The one thing these firms have in common is the fact that their true costs for any individual portion of their service will not be the same.  Thus, it’s virtually impossible to compare true like-for-like figures between Undertakers.

The writer that compares the costs of a £30 taxi ride with the cost of providing a hearse for the same journey is, alas, not thinking through the implications of his/her comparison.

Yes, things can be provided for a heck of a lot less than at present, but reality has to be part of the deal.  It costs serious money to provide the elements of a funeral – whether a firms provides for 100 funerals a month, or just 2.

I personally think that the funeral businesses in the UK have, to a degree, lost their way.     By trying to be “all things to all people” they have created an impossible rod for their own backs – though for arguably all the right and proper reasons.

My ethos is “keep it simple”.

Nick adds, in a further comment, these words in response to Jonathan’s assertion that “Funeral directors aren’t set up to cater for direct cremation because the demand is almost nil.”

It is true that as individual firms, few traditional FDs will receive enquiries for direct cemations on a regular basis.

You may agree, or not, that because there is little profit in direct cremation, as opposed to the traditional funeral, there is little incentive for FDs to actively promote this method of disposition.

Because we specialize in providing the service, our costs are appropriately less than would otherwise be the case, and we pass those savings on to our clients.

You also wrote “I’d guess a reasonable fee for direct cremation from an established funeral director would be around £1800-£2000”.

Would it be a surprise to learn that one of London’s premier and most respected FD’s (established circa 170 years) offers such a service for £1182 (inc your disbursement figures) albeit on a local basis.   Our charges for the same service would be £1147.

Direct cremation will never be the first and obvious choice for all families, but the growing interest by “thinking people” in this choice of funeral outlines a trend away from tradition.

We are more than happy to provide a cost effective choice for families, whilst acknowledging that traditional funerals are, on the whole, reasonably priced and good value in the UK.

Nick talks about ‘thinking people’. He’s talking, I guess, about the same sort of intellectuals who, years ago, championed cremation when it was reckoned barbaric. To opt for no funeral, or for a celebration of life, without the costly and distracting presence of a dead body is entirely consistent with atheist beliefs, and with the beliefs of any who subscribe to the duality of body and spirit. When the playwright Arthur Miller was asked if he’d be attending the funeral of his ex-wife, Marilyn Monroe, he replied: “Why would I? She won’t be there.”

Thank you very much, Nick, for going to all this trouble! We are indebted to you (metaphorically, I stress!)

Catastrophe!

Here at GFG HQ we are in turmoil. Our computer crashed yesterday and, to cut a long story short, some hands were lost and we have a new operating system to get used to.

Worst of everything, I have lost my entire archive of emails and e-addresses. So if you’ve contacted me recently, and haven’t heard, please re-send.

Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible. Peace of mind may take a little longer.

Thank you.

Peaceful Pillow

Why a pillow, I wonder? Especially a pillow that looks nothing like a pillow. I’m not at all sure that the feeding-duck look as it goes down is a good look. If you turn down the music this gets dull.

These guys have missed a trick, leaving a gap in the market for you. Stuff the pillow idea, develop a biodegradable Viking longship. With fireworks. People don’t want to go down with a glug, they want to go up in a blaze, right? You read it here first. If you make a few bob, remember me.