The surprising satisfactions of a home funeral

For all that the funeral industry is aware of pressure to change, and has readied itself for that, and for all that newspapers like to run features about nice, funny coffins, nothing has essentially changed.

Death occurs. A stranger – a funeral director – accompanied by another stranger, his or her assistant, come to take away the body. You don’t know where they keep the body, nor who sees it, nor what they do to it. You shut your mind to all that, and undertakers are very much of the mind that there are things it is best for you not to know about. Instead, you get busy sifting paperwork, ordering flowers, ringing people up and telling them what’s happened. That, you reckon, gives you more than enough to do.

In doing so, you may be missing the point.

If you have cared for someone in life, and as they lay dying, why would you want to stop when they are dead? Why wouldn’t you want to complete the journey with them?

What’s really important here?

Is it really such a kindness of the funeral director that he or she relieves you of so much to do, freeing you up to do lesser things, many of which could, frankly, wait?

Does all this make the death easier to bear?

I doubt it. I suspect that the grief counselling industry has got so big because people pass up the opportunity to, in Tom Lynch’s words, deal with death by dealing with their dead.

And that’s the point of a home funeral. That’s the point of working with a funeral director to wash and dress your dead person, and sit with them, and observe the changes, and become aware, after a few days, that it’s time to go.

It’s not all about cost and simplicity and fusslessness, it’s about joining up dying to farewelling. Nothing makes better sense of death than the present absence of the one who has died.

Read this.

Then listen to Lisa Carlson and others here.

Dates for your diary (2)

Date: 12-14 June (choose your day or come to all three).

Venue: Stoneleigh Park, Warwickshire.

Event: National Funeral Exhibition.

This trade show is a biennial shindig. Funeral directors fly in from all corners of the country to feast their eyes everything new in the world of funerals. Not that there is anything new, of course. Variations on the same old same old might be a better description. Coffins made from corn cobs. Hearses so big they could double as squash courts. I’m joking. Only just.

Where coffins and transport and headstones are concerned, it’s all about guessing what look clients are going to want next. There will be all sorts of brave start-ups offering new-look merchandise which may or may not catch on. Much of it will be green-themed, doubtless. Wholemeal funerals have been reckoned to be the future for a few years now. Uptake hasn’t yet matched the razzmatazz and press coverage.

Funeral directors are finding they’re needing to be futurologists. There may be undertakers out there now who are getting away with doing things exactly the same way they were doing them 60 years ago, but they won’t 60 years hence.

You need to be a bona fide member of the funeral industry to attend. I rang to ask why. It seems they reckon some of the stuff – mortuary equipment in particular – is the sort of stuff bona fide members of the public don’t need to see. Fair point.

If you want to go, but you have no links to the industry, ring, make your case and negotiate. I’d have thought they’d be happy to admit you so long as you make it clear you know what you’re in for. They just don’t want people dropping in curiously, then running out screaming.

Huge fun, lots of people to talk to – and, brooding over us, the spirit of Joe Orton.

What’s a good collective noun for a convocation of undertakers? Give yourself a bit of gentle brain gym. Come up with something spot on. Leave a comment.

Dates for your diary (1)

Those lovely people at Transitus are holding their first-ever festival on Saturday 20 June.

What’s the draw?

Dorset for a start. Always a special place at this time of the year. And Sturminster Newton, the venue, is a special place.

And Dr Peter Fenwick. Peter Fenwick! He’s a man worth crossing the country to hear. What a coup, getting him to come!

There will be short talks and workshops on caring for the dying, soul midwifery, green funerals, imaginative celebrations and afterlife research.

There will be a performance of the play Colder than Here. In a review of the London
West End production, John Peter wrote in The Sunday Times:‘Laura Wade’s play is a 90-minute masterpiece, a jewel, dark but translucent. It is a play of love, death and grief that is hardest to bear, because it begins before the loved one dies…’

Transitus is an agreeably big tent for anyone interested in issues around death and dying. It is a group which respects the ideas of all. There’s no belief system you have to sign up to.

In their own words:

Transitus is about sharing what we are and have, and, little by little, touching the hearts, minds and souls of those perhaps not aware of the growing group of people working in a way that honours all aspects of life – mind, body, spirit and emotions – that are involved with the sacred process of dying.

It is about the sacredness of life and of death and how we may bring this to others; changing attitudes and interpretations around death, dying and the continuity of consciousness.

Hugely recommended.

See the Transitus website here.

There you can download and print off a festival flyer.  If you’d like a professionally printed copy, or more than one, email me at charles@goodfuneralguide.co.uk

See you there!

The bigger they come the harder they fall

Here’s a problem for a species of mathematician: Exactly how big can a funeral directing enterprise get before it topples into incompetence and scandal?

The same law of economics would, you think, apply to funeral directing as to, say, cars: expansion creates economies of scale and efficiencies of production which make your product both competitive and technically advanced. Big = better; biggest = best. Most of us wouldn’t be able to afford to drive cars if they were handbuilt like, say, Morgans. The production line is the consumer’s friend.

This simple law doesn’t apply to funerals. In the first place, no funeral director needs to reinvest profits in research and development because the technical aspect of their work has nowhere to go. Indeed, the technical side of funeral directing is very simple and can be summed up in three sentences: Keep cool. Wash it. Pop it in a box.

Secondly, the big conglomerates and chains do not pass on their economies of scale to the consumer in the form of cheaper funerals. They have interest to pay on capital raised from venture capitalists. They have shareholders to satisfy. Dignity is eyebrow-raisingly pricey—and profitable. Independent funeral directors (the handbuilt Morgan people) find it easy to undercut the big boys and still make a perfectly good living. Co-operative Funeralcare, the people’s undertaker, could easily afford to offer working folk cheaper funerals, but for some reason it obtusely doesn’t.

Upshot? We can all afford the handbuilt Morgan. So why the heck would we shell out for a production line funeral?

Fortunately, we do not have the depth of scandal over here that they are prone to in the US (check out this story). But it is observable that our own dear Funeralcare is especially vulnerable to bungling.

Here’s a very good analysis from the US which applies as aptly to the UK. It’s by Kathy Jackson, it appeared on the ConnectingDirectors blog, and it is entitled

I Am Sad To Report The Death Of A Funeral Home

Left to mourn are the funeral directors and funeral assistants and the extended family, the community which the home served for seventy-five years. Unfortunately, the funeral home, which had been well until eighteen months when it was struck by malady for which there was no cure. The onset of symptoms was slow and insidious and was not recognized immediately. By the time the syndrome was diagnosed, there was little hope of returning the Funeral Home to a state of good or at least better health. Donations may be made to the other local funeral homes which have maintained their health and continue to serve families with respect, compassion, understanding and dignity.

Vanderlyne Pine (1975) described two types of funeral homes – community and cosmopolitan. His discussion focuses on the differences in the delivery of funeral service to bereaved families and the relationship of the funeral directors in their work relationship and with the community where they are located.

The funeral homes which are gaining momentum are those who provide their families with a sense of building a relationship, of continuity and stability during what is often a very chaotic and distressful period. While having the name of a funeral home on local sports team’s shirts is good advertising, it is not the influencing factor which will bring a family to the funeral home when a death occurs. Funeral home reputation is crucial. Community funeral directors are active in local churches as well as civic and business organizations. Pine observes that community funeral directors demonstrate a conviction that personal contact with the bereaved a well as taking care of their deceased is important (Pine 1975:74). The funeral director and the bereaved form a team whose task it is to carry out the funeral process.

In contrast, funeral directors working in cosmopolitan funeral homes are members of complex organizations which serve a large and often anonymous population. Funeral directors in these funeral homes are assigned specific tasks such as arranging, embalming, and directing funerals according to their expertise. Because their work is oriented to specific tasks, funeral directors in cosmopolitan funeral homes often appear efficient but impersonal to bereaved family members (Pine 1975:143, Laderman 2003:189).

It is no secret that I support the community funeral home as the ideal model for all funeral homes regardless of the number of calls per year or the type of ownership, independent or corporate.

In the past eighteen months, I have watched a highly successful community funeral home evolve into a cosmopolitan funeral home. Initially the changes were exterior changes, the name and colour of the funeral home sign. Families barely noticed the change because the faces they were familiar with remained constant, the delivery of service remained constant. Change began to happen with in the funeral home, three new managers, the loss of the hearse to a central pool of vehicles (and along with the vehicle, the elimination of a team member), the loss of “in home” embalming to central embalming, increased pressure to sell products, packages for funerals and later to pre-arrange funerals during aftercare meetings. With the closure of another funeral home, came an influx of new staff in greater numbers than the “old staff” who proceeded to take over and manage the funeral home without any insight into the families they were to serve or their special needs. Families began to notice the unfamiliar faces, the new routines, changes in the atmosphere of the funeral home and an uncharacteristic slovenliness. Even more so, families began to discover they were being passed from person to person over the duration of the two or three days at the funeral home. One family complained that they were “served” by three different teams, met seven different staff members and on the day of the funeral had no idea of who ‘their funeral director” was. Word began to spread – new management – new staff – high prices – and of course, the dreaded phrase, “they are interested in my money, not me” surfaced.

Sadly, more funeral homes which will die, leaving funeral directors bewildered at how it is possible for a once thriving business which was well respected and an integral part of the community to become a skeleton of its former self. Of course there is an answer, a way to save these funeral homes but in a society which seems to place little value on tried and tested ways, it is unlikely to be the first method of choice. It is not personalization or even innovation which is at stake. Certainly both of these contribute towards meeting the needs of today’s funeral or memorial consumer. Rather, what I suggest is that we look to older models of service, when our families were our priority and dividends were not.

Something to celebrate

A while back I blogged about celebrants. The essence of my argument was that people do not get to choose their celebrant from the range available locally because funeral directors, who like to hold all service providers in their thrall, do not offer them a selection.

Very soon they’ll have no choice. There’s now an excellent website which enables people to type in their postcode and instantly survey all the celebrants in their area.

Funeral directors: sit up and take notice, please! And hospices and bereavement officers!

Celebrants: register!

If you are looking for a celebrant, have a look. The website also describes the various organisations which train celebrants.

Cybertwaddle

There are very few funeral directors in the UK with a web presence. Many of those who do fail to understand that the job of a website is twofold: first, to offer a relationship of warmth and trust; second, to proclaim capability and professionalism.

A good many undertakerly websites simply advertise ineptitude. Clumsy prose, wonky spelling and inaccurate punctuation reflect disastrously on a funeral director’s competence. It is a job which requires, above all, obsessive attention to detail.

Here is some text from the website of the hapless Samuel James and Sons of Birmingham. A roomful of chimps on typewriters could have done better than this.

Much of the work that the Funeral Director does is discreet and is not always readily apparent what duties care carried out. These include :- Service The Funeral Arrangements themselves can be mode of anytime just by contacting us. We can call and see you

The Arrangement and Payment of Fees and Disbursements relating to the funeral include; Crematorium and Cemetery Fees, Parochial Fees, Press Announcements, Floral Tributes, Hymn Sheets, Attendance Cords, Catering arrangements either at home, our Funeral Home or on external venue, plus any other detail requested by the relatives of the deceased. Where necessary a grove will be purchased and tees paid.

Thank you, Samuel, for Attendance Cords. They will keep us chuckling all weekend.

Sex and death

Today’s papers have enjoyed this story—the ones you’d expect, the funloving Sun and the _____________ (supply your own adjective) Daily Mail.

It’s a story which emanates, so it seems, from the Wales News Service, whose website offers this enticement: “Have you been betrayed by your man? Or did you get revenge on your love rat? Maybe something bizarre or funny has happened to you? Have you overcome tragedy or found love when you least expected it?”

It’s that sort of a news agency.

It’s a story which makes me pulsate with ambivalence. I guess she’s actually a very nice lass who also happens to be young and pretty. I fear she’s being exploited. I want to think the best.

But the image takes us to some pretty dark places. As does the caption in the Sun: Serious business … babe Louise at work

Space oddity

In November I blogged about EternalSpace, a “meaningful online destination that creates a personal connection with a loved one.” Back then it was at an early stage of development.

It’s up and running. You can now see examples of virtual monuments in what its developers call an “immersive, multidimensional landscape where well-wishers may sign the guestbook or use the journal to record experiences, thoughts, poems, and stories … Personal memorials at EternalSpace.com are peaceful, serene online environments for sharing thoughts or uploading photos and videos that celebrate a life for the days, months and years to come.”

You can choose your own tranquil landscape “that can be customized to reflect and honor an individual’s life and legacy”. You can buy “virtual tribute gifts, selecting from a diverse range of items including flowers, trees, candles, hobby and sports memorabilia, and other unique gifts that reflect the personality, interests and life of each individual … EternalSpace memorials enable family and friends, near and far, to have 24/7 access to a central place to share and preserve memories about the deceased from anywhere in the world, and to keep those memories accessible to others in the days, months, years and even generations after the funeral.”

Is it tasteful? Well, we don’t discuss things like that on this blog. Is it going to make a lot of dough for US funeral directors? We’ll see. Play with it here. It’s a delight.

EternalSpace is going to provide a bit of hot competition for MuchLoved. Or will it? On reflection, probably not. MuchLoved is free, ethical, technically wonderful and, simply, the best online memorial site in known cyberspace, to which no other memorial site can hold a candle. If you don’t know it, check it out. If you are a funeral director, tell your families about it – as the estimable Mr Armstrong does.

Bad taste is better than no taste at all

Funerals are looking for a new aesthetic.

People are looking for new ways of memorialising their dead. Brooding Victorian monumental gloom is out. So too is the regimented eezi-mow municipal cemetery with its ranks of polished anonymous headstones. In rejection of these, people are presently opting for one of two diametrically different alternatives. Either they go with the eezi-mow cemetery but heap the grave possessively with all manner of garish grieving gew-gaws (to the ire of the mower and some other grievers), or they take flight and seek solace amidst the meadowsweet of a minimalist natural burial ground, where nothing, or almost nothing, marks the spot. The one is highly personalised, the other depersonalised.

People are looking for new ways of saying goodbye to their dead. The one-rite-fits-all approach of organised religions does not suit secular folk, and to them falls the necessity to reinvent the wheel and cook up a unique rite of their own, often in a very short time. Here, almost everybody favours a high degree of personalisation. Common elements include celebration, humour, informality, pop music, participation and a nice coffin. It’s interesting to note that the iconography of religion is now frequently substituted by the insignia of a football team. What existential statement does that make?

Funeral directors, most of them, cling to the Victorian aesthetic. They look increasingly anachronistic. As do their carbon-belching hearses and Russian mafia limousines. Time to move on, chaps?

Where things will go next is anyone’s guess. Observable at this stage is an intriguing yawning of class divides which, in recent years, seemed to have closed. Generally it’s middle class folk who choose to slumber amidst the meadowsweet and larksong, and it’s working class folk who, to the disdain of many of the former, journey through eternity beneath a burden of faded plastic flowers, soggy teddies and the tingle-wingle of a wind chime.

There’s no taming taste. Perhaps what we’re seeing here is not a class divide in the old sense but, rather, the victory of the will of the people over those who reckon they know better, those who would regulate them. The highbrows are at last finding the tide of democracy to be insuperable.

Take Richard Stone, for example. He is editor of the exquisitely posh Burlington Magazine, an arty glossy for those who know best. His beef is with the celebrity statues appearing in our towns and cities. “Every town has now got to have the local celebrity,” he says. “Fine. We used to do it with blue plaques. But now you’ve got to have a bloody great bronze. They’re not artistic – occasionally competent is about all you can say.”

Retorts Eric Woods, head of the fan club responsible for statues of Laurel and Hardy in Ulverston: “If you don’t like it, fine. If you don’t like Laurel and Hardy, fine. If you don’t like statues in public places, fine. Don’t look at it.”

Somewhere in between these two voices is the incomparably exquisite but benignly accommodating Brian Sewell. He says: “They don’t do much harm, except get up our aesthetic noses.”

Surely there are no value judgements to be made here, as in the matter of funerals. Is it not our democratic duty to be indulgent? Diversity is all. Let’s enjoy one another.

The Grim Reaper requests the pleasure…

This blog is going for a few days’ holiday by the sea on its island home somewhere in the English Channel.

For the duration its thoughts will, unwontedly, be with the living (ie, those who have not yet died). But it undertakes to return in dead earnest.

Mortified? Then while away some of the time calculating when you are going to snuff it.

Find the Death Clock here, then ink in the date on your invitation from Reaper G.

See it and shudder!