Don’t let my people go

Writing in yesterday’s Times, Matthew Parris says: “missing somebody terribly, years after they’ve gone, is not some kind of psychological disorder to be “got over” or “dealt with”, but an honest response to loss. I hate all that stuff about closure and moving on.”

He was prompted to write this after being asked to discuss, on the Today programme on Wednesday, the feelings he expressed in an article in the Spectator three years ago, which chime exactly with Maurice Saatchi’s feelings about the death of his wife, which we quoted on Monday:

 “In my view, to move on is a monstrous act of betrayal and to come to terms with — I think I’d call that an act of selfishness.”

Parris is worth quoting at greater length:

I’ve decided that I don’t want to ‘come to terms’ with Dad’s death. It’s bloody awful that he isn’t here. It still cuts me up, and this is a fact of love. I’m perfectly capable of keeping things in proportion, as Dad always did, but I don’t want to ‘get things into perspective’, if by that one means wanting them to grow smaller. It’s a fact; his life is a fact; the gap now is a fact; it’s not getting any smaller; I’m sad, but I’m happy that I’m sad.

So: refusal to move on, get over, find closure — all of these are suddenly zeitgeisty. Just as celebrations of life express the new grieving style at funerals, so has indulging feelings of loss become the new grieving rule for the bereaved.

Except that it’s not new. It’s actually been around since 1996. What Parris and Saatchi have done is translate the idea of continuing bonds from scholarese into language comprehensible to ordinary joes like us. They’ve endorsed it, too, by virtue of being celebs. And they’ve got people talking.

Is it not terribly perilous to encourage people to indulge feelings that might lead to clinical depression? Is grief not an injury to the psyche that could easily turn gangrenous? Was Freud really wrong when he said that we need to break the bonds that tie us to a dead person – to unshackle ourselves from the corpse?

It seems he was. Research evidence shows that most people hurt like hell when someone dies, but they don’t go mad. On the contrary, they are more likely to benefit from post-traumatic growth – what doesn’t kill you (too) makes you stronger.

As for grief counselling, early intervention has been shown to be either valueless or to interfere with natural grieving. Intervention should be reserved for those who really need it, later, when it’s all gone wrong.

It seems to make sense that, though death ends a life, it doesn’t end a relationship. It feels right. So far as I can discover, there is just one rule: you must believe that the dead person is dead. They ain’t coming back.

And there’s just one proviso. People who are lousy at relationships with the living are lousy at relationships with the dead. No surprise there.

Do read the full Matthew Parris piece in the Spectator. You can find it here. (I quote it in funerals more often than I care to admit.)

Condolences

 

Condolences

Please do not ask

If I am now recovering

Or if I see the light

At the tunnel’s end.

Nor speak about relief — or burdens lifted.

And, worst of all, new starts.

Please, please don’t ask

If I am getting through —

Have come to terms

Or find my life is back on track.

Of course I live each day to each

And gladly smile

My coping, to “prepare a face

To meet the faces that you meet”.

What else is there to do?

In any case, you would not want to know

The daily loss that lasts eternally.

Just, please, don’t ask.

 

Written by Frances Gibb  after the death of her husband. Quoted by Matthew Parris in today’s Times (£)

 

 

Diagonal Daze in St Mary’s Churchyard, Twyford

Posted by Eleanor Whitby

I was wandering around a churchyard on that one sunny  summer’s day, as you do, and came upon a few really lovely headstones.

The first was surrounded by a burst of colour in a green area of flat memorials in the council owned section – I loved the smooth, pebble like surface and the little indentation which created a bird bath.

I moved round to the church owned section and was taken aback because all the graves were at an angle to the path – obviously positioned to face East, but it created a diagonal vista across the cemetery which I’d never seen before. There must have been a fashion for rough hewn stones as there were several – but I liked this one’s inscription:

” Oh! Call it not death – ‘Tis a holy sleep”

Then I came across the only wooden memorial – cleft from a huge piece of oak. The owner’s name long lost in the ravages of wind and weather – but just look at how  it has dried and stretched and shrunk and cracked, yet still stands tall and proud.

Hiding amongst holly trees,  a prickly barrier against would be intruders to the peace of this long lost grave.This next one then made me stop still for quite a long while – hand hewn by a loving father? husband? brother? So poignant in its home-madeness – I had to touch it and run my fingers over the clumsy lettering that had been chiselled with such love.

As I made my way out, my eye was drawn to this small headstone set back from the path, almost lost by all the cremation plot markers. The angled words completing my diagonal day. What a wonderful inscription, I resolved to make an effort to be more of a light!

You could just get away with it

What’s bad news for undertakers is good news for the rest of us. And the good news for the rest of us is that, in the words of the Guardian

Less of us are dying than at any time since mortality data was collected.

Good news for the rest of us, but rotten news for grammarians, whose binoculars are trained on this blog. ‘Less’ should read ‘fewer’.

Or more optimistically still:

More of us are not dying than at any time since records began. 

That aside, last year’s mortality figures, now out, reveal that  a mere 484,367 deaths were registered in England and Wales, 1.8% down on 2010. In a nation with an oversupply of undertakers, that spells hard times for the Dismal Trade, which is likely to experience a climbing mortality rate as the weakest go to the wall. 

More to the point, it shows that a lot of people are getting clean away with it, and I hope that puts a hopeful spring in your step. 

So, what are other people dying of? 

Apart from the usual suspects, 5 died from falling off a cliff and no one died from rat bite. 51 men and just 1 woman died from falling off a ladder. 

Get the full stats here.

And remember: it needn’t be you!

Crowdsourcing a Space-Age Distribution Strategy

Posted by Tom Walkinshaw

Ed’s note: Tom is an enterprising fellow who has a plan to launch ashes into Space – Space burial, he calls it. He needs your help and expertise to get it off the ground, which is why he crowdsourcing on the blog this morning at our invitation. 

Alba Orbital are now a few steps down the start-up path. We have done a lot of research both online and out in the real world with only one more presentation to go. The journey has been exciting and rewarding (last week I had dinner with Apollo 12 Command module pilot Dick Gordon) but we have reached a crossroads. How do we distribute our service to the masses?

We want to take ashes where not many ashes have before… Space. For the record I do know it sounds crazy and people often wonder why I think it makes sense to do something so left of field. My opinion is that it is being done successfully currently in the USA, so why can’t the UK do it? It is up to people’s personal choice, but it is a choice we must all make. Cremation is now being chosen by 75% of Brits with that number on the rise year-on-year. We want to offer a solution to the Ashes Dilemma.

Things have gone well and we are in talks with a few Universities around collaborating on our first satellite. We have been supported by the Princes Trust who aim to help young people start-up in Business (I am still only 22). We have done well in a National Spin-out competition the ‘Converge Challenge’ and are the first company to incorporate ourselves.

So the challenge we now face is how do we reach our customers? How do we bring an innovative product to a traditional marketplace? We don’t have the answers. We have ideas and that is why we are putting it out to the Good Funeral Guide readership for their opinions on the matter. 420,000 people get cremated each year and none of them know we even exist.

We think a pre-planning option makes a lot sense, staggering the costs and is less of a knee jerk buying decision. For point of use do we partner with Funeral Directors? Would they take us seriously? We would love to know your thoughts. Online is a key tool for all business, but should we invest in allowing our service to be purchased on the web?

There are no dates in our diary for launching our pricing option, we want to do it right rather than do it fast. Any opinion positive/negative is always welcome. Thank you for reading.

Tom Walkinshaw
MD, Alba Orbital

Website: www.albaorbital.com Twitter: @albaorbital Email: contact@albaorbital.com

Dying for a pee

When the inhabitants of Milla Milla, Australia,were told by the council that they couldn’t have toilets in their cemetery because they’d cost too much, they took matters into their own hands. 

Citizen Pat Reynolds built the toilet you see pictured above in his garage in his spare time. He’s done a proper job, mind, inbuilt septic tank and all. 

Double standards?

There’s a very characteristic Daily Mail story in, of all places, today’s Daily Mail.

It describes outrage in the environs of Wisbech concerning the ‘floral tributes’ which adorned the funeral of a notably industrious armed robber, Thomas Curtis. One of the tributes, above, took the form of an ATM machine of the sort that Mr Curtis was wont to rip untimely from all sorts of premises. The screen is from one of his spoils. 

It’s worth order cialis from mexico surveying the other tributes here and in the Sun here

Perhaps it’s a matter of relative status, but Mr Curtis’s flowery accolades have not been accorded the dispassionate treatment accorded to those which adorned the funeral of Charlie Richardson. One of them, you recall, commemorated the the black, handle-driven World War Two army generator with which Charlie electrocuted his victims, below:

The British way of death

“You don’t mind if I go, do you?”

“No, Granny, it’s been nice having you.”

Libby Purves’ daughter to her grandmother on her last day. 

Introducing the Artisan coffin

Greg Holdsworth makes coffins in New Zealand.  He says:

We offer a wide range of real and hand-finished options made from sustainable wood, some with native timbers. Our designs are environmentally considered – if there’s a better way to do it we’re probably already doing so – and our appropriately priced caskets meet the highest performance requirements due to the functional construction techniques we apply. Environmental considerations include material choice, assembly options (fixings), handles, finishes and, of course, just using less material to make the caskets.

A great advantage of this coffin is that ‘mourners can sit with the deceased without having to stand and peer down into a box.’

I emailed Greg and asked him if I could use images of his Artisan coffin (above) on this blog. I also voiced a regret that no one in the UK is making them under licence. Greg says, “Return To Sender has the Artisan manufactured under licence in Australia and North America and would be keen to do the same in the UK if they find a suitable partner.” 

The words ‘suitable partner’ say it all. If you feel you are one, get in touch with him.

Find Greg’s website here

Compassion fatigue

I vividly remember the first day my medical school classmates and I met our cadavers in the anatomy lab. Large body bags lay on metal tables that had been bolted to the floor. I remember the sheer size of the bags best. No doubt existed in my mind that dead human bodies indeed lay within them. And yet part of me couldn’t quite grasp that I was actually going to soon be unzipping them and cutting into flesh through which blood had once flowed as freely as it now did in mine.

Thus recalls Dr Alex Lickerman. He goes on: 

I vividly remember also a classmate of mine—one who’d struck me as being particularly sensitive to others—leaning against the wall at one point, looking pale and shaky. I remember worrying that she was going to faint. 

But she didn’t. And like the rest of us, soon she was cutting into her cadaver with focused precision. Within only one week we all had habituated to the notion that we were dissecting dead people as if they were only mannequins.

My classmate eventually went on to become my colleague, one with whom I’ve since shared many patients. And though technically she was always excellent, again and again it would get back to me from patients to whom I’d send her that she had a poor bedside manner. And whenever I’d hear this, I’d wonder: had she always been only peripherally interested in the suffering of others (as more than one of my patients judged her to be) or did she begin as empathetic and compassionate as I’d first judged her and simply have those characteristics pounded out of her by her training and subsequent years in practice?

As I read that, I wondered about the people we saw on that ITV programme about Gillman’s. Dr Lickerman continues:

Perhaps the most insidious force that gnaws away at our ability to feel compassion is habituation. We have an amazing ability to get used to things—meaning that if repeated again and again something which at first stimulates great emotion (positive or negative) progressively stimulates that emotion less and less. This is why, I think, over time my colleague’s bedside manner deteriorated: she simply got so used to the suffering she saw day in and day out that it ceased to trigger her compassion.

It all makes pretty good sense, doesn’t it? If we’re honest, we can see how people working in mortuaries could, first, lose their sense of dead people as people and then graduate to hating them. 

It put me in mind of a case which a number of people have drawn to my attention but which I did not write about because it seemed to me sad and, because unrepresentative, not all that informative. I may have been wrong. The case involved a funeral service operative (FSO) Grahame Lawler, who stole a purse from a dead woman he’d gone to collect. You can gauge why he did it when you consider what he said when he was arrested: “‘For six-and-a-half years I have been in this job and have seen some very vile nasty and horrible things. Decomposed bodies, people that have been run over, things like that. I saw the purse, I did take it and I thought it was the way out. I have never done anything like this before and I’m sorry.”

It also put me in mind of the funeral director I chatted to last week. The ethos of his business is mortuary-centred. “It all starts there and works its way thorough to everything else. Get it right in the mortuary and everyone else knows exactly what standard is expected and exactly how to conduct themselves to everyone else. It pervades the funeral home.”

Read the full Lickerman article here