Author: Charles

Quotes of the day

7 September 2012
Charles
1 Comment
Categories: Quotes

Posted by Vale

The book of the week on Radio 4 this week has been the Winter Journal by Paul Auster. I was struck by two quotes from Joseph Joubert included in today’s excerpt. Joubert, who was living in the early 1800s, published nothing in his lifetime but a book of Pensees was culled from his note books and papers. Auster reports that this jotting was found amongst them:

‘The end of life is bitter’

But, written about a year later this was found:

‘One must die lovable (if one can).

Now, there’s a challenge! 

When in doubt

7 September 2012
Charles
20 Comments
Categories: Uncategorised

Posted by Richard Rawlinson

Doubt: a short, meaning-packed, medieval, Anglo-French word (origin douter) which I doubt many foreigners could pronounce if only seen in written form. Adapted as a verb, noun, adjective and adverb (to doubt, a doubt/doubter, doubtable, doubtably) it, of course, means to be uncertain, consider questionable, hesitate to believe.

None of us being omniscient, we all have doubts about a lot of things from life choices (relationships, jobs, homes) to metaphysical ideas. ‘Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards,’ said Soren Kierkegaard.

And if physical reality is unpredictable and error-prone, then existential meaning is unknowable. Faith—another short, meaning-rich word—is belief that doesn’t rest on material evidence. Even Richard Dawkins concedes, as a scientist, that he’s effectively agnostic as he cannot logically prove beyond doubt that atheism is true.

Philosophers have divided us into physicalists and dualists. The former claim we’re just a body, with the brain being the sophisticated organ that makes us a ‘person’ capable of complex thought, emotion and action. If we’re shot in the heart, our brain dies—we continue to be a body but cease to be a person. Just as a smile is created by muscle reflexes moving our lips to reveal our teeth, a mind, which gives us our unique persona, is an abstract term to describe the brain function’s cause and effect.

Dualism is an older school of thought that’s been developed in various forms by philosophers from Plato and Descartes to the Bhuddist teacher Dharmakirti. Putting aside the separate yin-and-yang, good-and-evil deliberations, dualism, in simple terms, separates mind from matter. It gives birth to an immaterial soul which, like a smile, mind, persona or self, is distinct from the body, although somehow interacting with the brain.

Though increasingly unfashionable among secular academics, modern agnostic and religious thinkers continue to argue that the gap between objective and subjective experience cannot be bridged by reductionism because consciousness is autonomous of physical properties. Philosopher Frank Jackson talks of a non-corporeal form of reality, and claims that functions of the mind/soul are so internal they cannot be observed by science. In comparison, we can know about a bat’s echolocation facility but we can’t know how the bat experiences it because it’s not a physical fact but a conscious one.

We can only have unscholarly hunches about whether or not we have souls, and indeed the nature of our souls. A shaman might believe he has a ‘free-soul’ that can undertake spiritual journeys. Others see the difference between soul and mind as mere semantics, and doubt a ‘soul’ has life beyond the body, let alone eternal life with its Creator/Saviour.

‘It is so hard to believe because it is so hard to obey,’ said Kierkegaard. He also said: ‘If I am capable of grasping God objectively, I do not believe, but precisely because I cannot do this I must believe’.

Religion as man-made psychological crutch for weak mortals, say the Freudians. And while we’re at it, why does this so-called God not make his loving presence evident in this world full of misery? But if, like God, our souls are not tangible things, surely it’s down to us to recognise we do not live by bread alone in order to develop an attitude capable of providing bread for all.

The Grim Biker’s on the telly

5 September 2012
Charles
2 Comments
Categories: Hearses, Religious funerals

When I was asked if I would permit a crew to film a real biker’s funeral, complete with real mourners I was very cautious and indeed dubious to say the least. Funerals are not there to serve as PR opportunities so I was not keen at all, but while I was with the BBC a family happened to visit our workshop and I saw first hand how sensitive and professional the crew were…

Read all of Paul Sinclair’s account of his experience of being filmed by BBC Religion here. The programme’s out on Weds 12 September at 9pm on BBC2. The title is ‘Dead Good Job.’

A neglected grave

5 September 2012
Charles
20 Comments
Categories: memorialisation

Posted by Richard Rawlinson

To Clergy House for a council meeting of the Friends of Westminster Cathedral. It’s the council’s job to organise fundraising events from concerts to barbecues for the upkeep of said cathedral, and to plan the best ways to spend the money raised. There are separate charitable initiatives that support the London homeless or international aid agencies, so the Friends’ work focuses on housekeeping matters: a mosaics appeal for the Chapel of St George and the English Martyrs, for example; the repair of a leaking roof; new lavatories for visitors, or the purchase of new missals for the year ahead.

While with clerical and lay council members in the wood-panelled library, a dinner is suggested to honour John Francis Bentley (1839-1902), the acclaimed architect responsible for the neo-Byzantine magnificence of the Cathedral.

During the meeting, I learn Bentley is buried, not in his architectural legacy, but in a cemetery in Mortlake, West London, and that his simple tombstone is neglected and in need of restoration, there apparently being noone left to take on its upkeep.

There are so many causes out there but it seemed sad that Bentley, though remembered in art history books, is being forgotten in his resting place. Something will be done about it.

Footnote: Other more famous worthies have no such anonymity. See here the much-visited graves of stars including Oscar Wilde, Bruce Lee, Princess Diana, Frank Sinatra and Jim Morrison.

Don’t miss Gail’s 30 Day Challenge

4 September 2012
Charles
No comments
Categories: funeral customs, music, Poetry

I can’t keep up these days, dammit. To my great grief I missed the start of one of the great events of the year, Gail Rubin’s annual 30 Day Challenge. She attends 30 funerals in 30 days, and each day writes each one up in great detail in a values-neutral narrative. Goodness knows where she’s got to. 

Apart from being feats in their own right, Gail’s marathons offer very interesting insights into funeral customs, readings, music, etc in the US. In years to come sociologists will pore. But there’s no need to wait til then. 

Gail posts daily. Play catch-up now. 

Whither consecrated woodland burial sites?

4 September 2012
Charles
11 Comments
Categories: natural burial, Natural Death Centre

Posted by Richard Rawlinson

Back in 2001, The Telegraph ran a story about the Church of England opening its first woodland burial site, Arbory Trust, a consecrated 40-acre plot in Cambridgeshire with trees and flowers replacing gravestones.

‘Other sites cater for pagans and ‘New Age’ followers and do not offer a Christian burial,’ claimed the newspaper in its indomitable way, adding. ‘Unlike other woodland sites, the trust does not plant trees on top of coffins because of the implication, which is contrary to Christian teaching, that people are reincarnated in the tree.’

Two years later, The Telegraph revisited the subject, this time stating ‘Churches across Britain are to set up woodland burial sites because many of their existing graveyards and cemeteries are full’.

It quoted the Rt Rev Anthony Russell, then the Bishop of Ely, saying he believed that such burials would prove popular. ‘The woodland burial sites not only provide extra consecrated space, they also meet the wishes of people who want to be buried in an environmentally friendly setting which is close to nature,’ he said.

Almost a decade later, I searched the list of UK natural burial grounds on the website of the Natural Death Centre, and found just two consecrated sites: the aforementioned Arbory Trust and Bedfordshire’s St Albans Woodland Burial Ground, consecrated by the Diocese of St Albans.

Does anyone here know if there are more consecrated sites not registered with the NDC or if the CofE’s bid to unburden graveyards has not yet taken off—beyond people choosing cremation?

Meanwhile, traditional cemeteries from Clitheroe Cemetery in Lancashire to London’s New Southgate Cemetery have established wooded areas for people who wish to have more natural surroundings. Here.

Joy of Death Convention – 7-9 September

4 September 2012
Charles
5 Comments
Categories: Joy of Death

It’s a fantastic lineup of brilliant speakers and a great clan gathering — and it’s not too late to buy a ticket!

Saturday 8 September 

All the talks will be in the Lower Gardens Suite of the Whitehall Hotel, unless otherwise stated.

 9.30am – 10.00 – Reception at the Whitehall Hotel (teas and coffees)

 10.00 Barbara Chalmers

 Barbara Chalmers trained as an independent celebrant with Dead Good Guides. She launched the website Final Fling in 2012. It offers advice on everything from planning a funeral to writing a will and even allows users to upload videos for loved ones and leave them in virtual safe deposit boxes. 

She says: “All of my adult life, I’ve been disappointed by the drab, dreary, impersonal funerals that we put with up with as an end of life ritual. I believe we need new rituals and expressions to mark key milestones in life.”

 

10.45 Jane Morrell and Simon Smith 

Jane Morrell and Simon Smith of green fuse contemporary funerals, are funeral directors and celebrants, trainers of funeral celebrant and funeral directors, and authors of We Need To Talk About The Funeral.  Their talk is titled: Is This The Future Of British Funerals? 

The average age of the person who died for whom green fuse arranges funerals is just 64. This gives Jane and Simon a unique view of the way the next generation want funerals to be. They discuss the way funerals are changing, the choices people are making and the new challenges facing funeral directors and celebrants. 

11.30 Break 

11.30 Death Café with Jon Underwood (The Waiting Room, Arlington Hotel 

Jon Underwood started offering Death Cafés in the UK in September 2011, after hearing of Bernard Crettaz’ Cafe Mortels in Switzerland. To date over 180 people have attended these convivial conversations about death over tea and cake. Jon has written a guide to running your own Death Café which has resulted in them being taken up in a range of places including the US. 

A death café is a chance to share your thoughts about mortality over tea and cakes. You can talk about your fears and experiences in a supportive environment, (since numbers are limited, please pre-book a place by emailing Jon Underwood  – underwoodjon@gmail.com). 

11.45 Rupert and Claire Callender 

Rupert and Claire Callender have been at the forefront of the alternative funeral movement since their decision to set up as undertakers and celebrants 12 years ago. 

Their talk is about their support for the campaign to legalise outdoor funeral pyres, something they have dubbed natural cremation. Funeral pyres actually play a large part in European cultural history. Is it time for them to return? 

12.30 Lunch 

1.30 Wendii Miller 

Wendii Miller, a Cambridge graduate, who carried out her own DIY burial for her 98-year-old mother Doris, even digging the grave after collecting her corpse from Grimsby Hospital mortuary and driving her mother’s remains back to a burial site outside Harrogate. She will be showing the video she made of the experience. 

2.10 Kristie West 

Kristie West is a grief specialist. She helps adults who have had a bereavement in their lives, specialising in parent loss.  Kristie positively changes their experience of losing someone they love, in a matter of hours, so they can talk about, remember, and love them without it hurting anymore. 

2.45 Dominic Druce 

Dominic Druce grew up in Oxfordshire in an Anglo-French family where being babysat invariably involved a tour of the family graves. From this grew his passion for gravehunting and hearing great stories. Otherwise he is a freelance researcher and translator, who sometimes sells his paintings. Recently moved from France, he now lives in Hove. 

3.00 Walk around St Peter’s Cemetery, Bournemouth, BH1 2EE with John Walker (assemble outside main entrance). Cost £2 if you have not booked onto the conference. 

3.30 Pam Trott 

Pam is an independent celebrant and is passionate about helping people to make their own choices in life and death. Using her experiences of past life regression taking the soul from birth to death and beyond, ultimately teaching people how to die without fear. 

3.30 Ghost Tour of Bournemouth Town Hall, Bourne Avenue with Michael Stead (assemble outside main entrance, unfortunately we will not get inside access) 

4.00 Death Café (The Waiting Room, Arlington Hotel) if possible, please pre-book a place by emailing Jon Underwood  – underwoodjon@gmail.com) 

4.30 Language! Timothy perform in the Arlington Arts Café. 

The Chairman & Mrs P will entertain you with their catchy but morbid tracks.

 

Sunday 9 September

Obituary Lunch 

12.30 for 1.00pm – Sunday lunch with David Twiston Davies, former Chief Obituary writer for the Daily Telegraph at Days Hotel (formerly the Marsham Court Hotel), 3 Russel-Cotes Road, Eastcliff, Bournemouth, BH1 3AB. 

(Ticket price £15 includes tea or coffee and a light buffet) 

“Let us deprive death of its strangeness; let us frequent it; let us get used to it. “

Montaigne

It’s all hotting up for the funeral Oscars

4 September 2012
Charles
13 Comments
Categories: Uncategorised

Apologies from the editorial team here at the GFG-Batesville Tower for the recent blog dribble if you’re one of those who enjoy the customary daily torrent. We have been traversing the country with the TV crew who are making a half-hour documentary about the upcoming funeral Oscars ceremony in Bournemouth this Friday. It’s not too late to book tickets and accommodation for this star-studded event. Go to the Joy of Death website. 

We’re still not allowed to say the name of the TV channel concerned, I think. But we can tell you that it’s a biggie, and the documentary will go out in a prime time slot. It’s going to be a lovely thing. The crew have been knocked out by the brilliance and loveliness of everyone order cialis generic they have met. 

Already, we know that this is going to be a great event, nothing less — huge fun in its own right, a great gathering of the brightest and best, a vast amount of happy nattering and, underlying it all, our mission: to sing the praises of the unsung heroes of Funeralworld. 

There’s been some media interest. Most notably, on Friday BBC R4 are intending to record a ‘package’ for the Saturday morning Today programme. Oh, and the Sun is keen to come and talk to you. 

Yes, but what-do-I-wear-what-do-I-wear, I hear you wail. We have now received guidance from the TV people. The dress code is Dress to Impress. Anything goes so long as it’s eyecatching. 

See you there!

So silly to take sides

4 September 2012
Charles
8 Comments
Categories: DIY funeral, funeral customs, funeral directors, green funeral, home funerals, Rights of the bereaved

A few weeks ago I bumped into a funeral director I like and admire. He was bursting with something he had just learned and needed to share: Ken West is not bonkers, official. He’d met Ken at some do or other and had revelled in a feast of reason and a flow of soul with the great man.

The news did not come as a bombshell. Ken’s thinking runs with all the clarity of Pennine springwater, as all who know him will attest. No ranter he. Very nice man, to boot. 

Whence could such a misconception have sprung? From his long association with the Natural Death Centre? Did – does –  the NDC still evoke antipathy in undertakerly circles? In spite of their diplomatic efforts to heal rifts and work collaboratively with the ‘mainstream’? In spite of the success of the natural burial movement, one of Britain’s most successful cultural exports in the last fifty years? Are they still reckoned chattering class undertaker-bashers?

I don’t know. You tell us. 

What we do know for sure is that the deathcare industry tends to be chary of scrutiny, as the recent exposé of Co-operative Funeralcare reminds us. In the face of seeming adversity, the trade/profession circles the wagons, hunkers down and gets snarly.  

It’s not an easy mindset to analyse. You’ll be able to give us some pointers. Many undertakers have, in addition to justifiable pride in their work, an acute sense of amour propre. They can be prey to feelings of self-importance and we-know-best. They can be reflexively conservative. They are often happier dealing with things rather than ideas. In a word, prickly. Many, not all. 

It’s a shame. It’s a shame when perfectly decent people write off as a hostile force other perfectly decent people who feel they have important or interesting things to say. On a personal level, it is unjust, and that’s the point of this piece. 

Over in the US, where undertakers tend to suffer from the same abiding vices as so many of our own, a man called Todd Van Beck writes about his native funeral industry. He calls himself a ‘funeral educator, consultant and historian’. He’s very much an insider.

In appraising the home funeral movement, so buoyant over there, he concludes that the mainstream industry ought to consider commodifying this nonaligned and insubordinate practice by offering an “old fashioned home funerals package”. In doing so, the industry can outflank and marginalise those idealistic pioneers who developed home funerals and, at the same time, make some money out of a custom which is founded in self-help and altruism. 

In arguing his case, Mr Van Beck makes no attempt to hide his disdain for the home funeral movement. He also derides one of its pioneers, Holly Stevens:

I just finished reading a horribly boring article regarding home funerals published by Ms. Holly Stevens (a self-proclaimed funeral consumer advocate).

The article rehashed the negative feelings concerning  funeral undertakers, like Lisa Carlson has done for years (and has seemingly made a living doing so).

One new twist Ms. Steven’s took was referring to us funeral undertakers as “commercial morticians.”

I haven’t heard that one before.  Snappy title though…“Commercial Mortician.”

The piece goes on in similar snarky vein. 

Lisa Carlson is a doughty battler. She can look after herself. And she has the added advantage of being alive. 

Holly Stevens is dead. She died just over a year ago of cancer. She was was a highly intelligent and humane Quaker beloved of all who knew her.  Perhaps her most notable attribute was her gentleness. I never knew her, but I was/am a Facebook friend. You can probably find her memorial page there. Holly was one of the authors of Undertaken With Love: A Home Funeral Guide for Congregations and Communities, which you can download free. 

Let’s try to agree about two things.

First, there is no such thing as an alternative funeral and no such person as an alternative funeral director. Our dead belong to us, and so do their funerals. Everyone has the right to their own opinion and their own practice.

Second, debate is not merely useful, it’s vital. So is mutual respect. Digging trenches is silly. 

In the words of Thomas Lynch, the eminent US undertaker: “Some want to be empowered, others to be served, others not to be bothered at all. Our job is to meet them where they are on this continuum and help where we can when we’re asked.”

I wish

3 September 2012
Charles
No comments
Categories: Poetry

 

I wish
I wish we’d had more time,
To talk about the life you lead, the things you saw, your thoughts left unsaid.
I wish we’d looked to our futures, yours and mine,
Shared paths, different lengths of time,
I should have followed where you led.
I wish I knew what really made you laugh,
From that place in your heart,
When the tears would start and track down your face,
Your shoulders would shake,
And you lost all semblance of grace.
I wish I didn’t know https://laparkan.com/buy-prednisone/ what made you cry,
The hurt in your eyes, in your voice,
Head forced down whilst you try,
Try and hold it together.
I wish you’d have let me help you more,
And I’d asked you for less,
Both of us like children,
The pain of asking as great as any from the mess,
We got ourselves into.
I wish I’d said “I love you” more than I did
But most of all,
I wish you were still here to listen to these words.

Lol Owen