David Holmes, funeral director to the discerning folk of Surrey, recently got into a waterfight with the water board. Click on the photo to bring it up to full size.
Here is the entire brief life of Dr Richard Stokes:
Scholar to Sir William Oughtred for Mathematiques (Algebra). Made himself mad with it, but became sober again, but I feare like a crackt glasse. Became Roman Catholique. Married unhappily at Liège, dog and catt, etc. Became a sotte. Dyed in Newgate, prisoner for debt, April 1681.
John Aubrey, Brief Lives, 1693
“For me there’s a daffodil in every dustbin.”
Eric Sykes, who died today.
The midnight hour, the darkest hour
That human grief may know,
Sends forth it’s hurried summons-
Ask me to come—I go!
I know not when the bell may toll,
I know not where the blow may fall,
I only know that I must go
In answer to the call.
Perhaps a friend—perhaps unknown-
‘Tis fate that turns the wheel-
The tangled skein of human life
Winds slowly on the reel.
And I? – I’m the undertaker,
“Cold-Blooded,” you’ll hear them say,
“Trained to the shock and chill of death,
With a heart that’s cold and grey.”
Trained—that’s what they call it
How little they know the rest-
I’m human, and know the sorrow
That throbs in the aching breast.
Bennett Chapple
Posted by Reverend Noel Lockyer-Stevens, One Spirit Interfaith Minister
Ed’s note: Noel is writing in response to Richard Rawlinson’s challenging post here.
The undertaking of a funeral service is for me one of the most privileged roles I undertake within my ministry in Dorset. I am sure that every minister, ordinand and priest feels the same or similar.
Why is privilege so important? When someone contacts me to take a funeral service it is because that it is recognised that I may be able to meet the needs of the newly bereaved family and the person who has left this mortal realm.
What are those needs? I believe they are as follows;
To be treated in a heartfelt way,
To be treated with respect for their religious or non religious belief
For the person who has passed to be honoured and their life to be celebrated despite any pain or anger from family or friends
To offer a landmark service that can be used for healing after honouring the deceased.
How can I help to meet those needs? I can arrive at the home of an unknown family as a stranger, discuss in intimate detail the life of someone I did not know and hopefully leave the lives of that family as a friend.
As a One Spirit Interfaith Minister I am not interested in tethering my belief system to the family I visit. For me anything that is respectful to the life of the departed and brings solace or comfort to the bereaved is okay in my book. The choice of music, song, prayer, poem or other reading is used as a tool for relief rather than invoking any form of guilt or shame or hurt.
I will not judge a life as right, wrong, bad or sinful, because these are points of view, not absolutes. I do not preach, I deliver soft and gentle messages of joy, forgiveness and hope. I do this in a way tailored to the beliefs of the family, whether they see an afterlife or not. Is there one? Can I say with proof positive that there is? Will I say with denial there is not?
This is not sitting on the fence, this is not a person afraid to talk about his beliefs of religion and spirituality. But neither will I tell any family what they can or cannot use to heal their pain, that there is only one brand of plaster to put on an open wound. Many brands of plaster aid healing and I am open to them all.
What is Left is a participatory portraiture project being made by Leeds-based artist Ellie Harrison, photographer Roshana Rubin Mayhew and 50 members of the public.
Working with individuals, community groups and bereavement charities, Ellie and Roshana wil generate 50 portraits with corresponding texts in collaboration with participants.
Photographed in their own homes with objects they have inherited from lost loved ones, the project will explore the value we invest in these, both monetary and emotional and the ways in which these objects mediate our relationships with the dead through memory.
PREVIEW EVENT : Leeds Gallery, Munro House, 4th July, 7pm
Ellie and Roshana have been working with participants since April and have created 11 portraits and texts ready to be shared with the public, as well as a group of public, artists, clinicians, bereavement charities and interest groups.
This event is one of two showings in Leeds and Manchester aimed at creating an informal space to view the outcomes of the project so far, feedback thoughts and find out more about the future of What is Left and The Grief Series.
It is part of the Grief Series, a seven-part project by Ellie Harrison. A lot of GFG-ers would give anything to get to Leeds for this.
A guest post by Caroline Doughty
Hello everybody!
It’s been a while since I updated my blog and my wonderful friend and celebrant teacher has inspired me with her own thought-provoking blog post, to share my experiences so far in my work as an Independent Celebrant in regards to Funeral Services.
So…where do I begin??? I have learnt so much.
I remember the first funeral I ever did up in Mossley. My celebrant teacher and her team were right there supporting me. They had faith in my ability to lead this service. I was petrified. After all, it’s a huge deal to be helping a bereaved family say goodbye and even though I wanted to do this work, I tended to develop nagging doubts about my own ability. But whilst I was feeling this fear, I just decided to walk straight into it. It felt very natural to be leading that special coffin through the crematorium. And once I was at the lectern and saw the family’s eyes looking up to me to be their guide, to be their strength, I stepped up. You have to. It is your responsibility.
Since that day I have gone on to develop a very lovely working relationship with a long established and well respected Funeral Directors in my home of Shrewsbury. I walked into their building on the Friday, spoke to the most lovely man about my approach and how passionate I am about what I do, and the following Monday I was booked for my first funeral in my local area.
It was a small funeral and I feel that maybe the FD was very sensibly ‘testing the water’. Seeing what I was about to get a feel of my work. I couldn’t have been that bad because they have been booking me for funerals ever since. And I am so very grateful to them for taking me on. In this business you can never take anything for granted and I have developed a very strong loyalty towards them. Each member of their staff is nothing but wonderful. They are gentle with their families, they are professional without being cold and they all have a good sense of humour! A strange thing you may think? I don’t mean a humour that is in any way disrespectful, but when things do get a little haywire and plans fall by the wayside, you do need a very good sense of humour…believe me! I have learnt that a good working relationship goes both ways. We respect each other and I will never be any less than completely reliable for them.
Now, the biggest learning curve takes place through working with the families. Each one is special, individual, hurting, in need of your guidance, in need of your open-mind and each one is in need of your love, no matter what their outward persona may be. And so my love is what they will always receive.
When I walk into the home of a bereaved family I never fail to feel honoured. And that is because they open the door to me, put out their hand to welcome me and usher me inside. Inside their home, their personal space, their grief and their memories. Let’s face it, they don’t actually want me to arrive. They don’t want to be arranging a funeral service at all. They’re desperately hurting. But they let me in and the first thing I always say is “Thank you for having me in your home.”
Some families are very gentle, some are quite tough externally but you’ll see tears being fought at every memory shared, some are bereft and will openly cry and then apologise for doing so. That breaks my heart and I always tell them that they must know that they can cry, that I’m in no hurry and that I can always come back for another visit if they’d like. We take it slowly. Some are of course heartbroken but are very accepting of what has happened. I’ve even made a visit to a family where we spent two whole hours laughing, and there were some tears too. The thing is, you must approach that house neutral and with an open-mind. You can never assume anything. A family that seem non-religious ask for Footprints to be read and a family that do seem religious want Queen played out loud.
I always ask what ‘feel’ they want for the service. They look at me puzzled sometimes so I explain that some prefer something more formal, some more celebratory, some want humorous memories and laughter, some want more reflective and poignant etc. (you can mix it up) and then all of a sudden, they know exactly what approach they’d like. It’s almost as if being given that choice to begin with opens them up to speak of their true ideas. With that one question they are gently being told that it is ’their’ choice. It is not about me and what I do. It is about how I can serve them. We then move on to discuss all other aspects of the day…the eulogy, if anyone would like to speak, music, readings etc. They are also sometimes surprised to discover that I am more than happy to sing hymns! I let them know that I am happy to do whatever it takes to make it right for them. Only yesterday I did two funerals. The first was a celebratory service with lots of poignant words but also lots of laughter. The second was a religious affair with a more formal feel, hymns, the Lord’s Prayer, but equally as loving.
I connect with the family from my heart. This is how I write the services. I try to absorb their needs and the personality of their loved one. Then I apply it to the wording of the service. I spend many hours perfecting the funeral, making sure each phrase is right for that family and that it suits the individual who has passed away. I offer the family the choice of reading the eulogy before the funeral for their own peace of mind. And on two occasions the family have actually wanted to read the whole service beforehand. But most families tell you openly that they trust you, which is humbling and honouring at the same time. But I have no problems with showing them my work before the day.
I worked with one family who had lost a lovely elderly gentleman. His daughter was obviously struggling and she asked to see the whole service. I knew in my heart that it was because in the two weeks before her father’s goodbye, it was all she could do to function. Taking control of the service as a project was what she had to do to cope with that space between his death and his funeral. She didn’t tell me that it was a coping mechanism, but I knew it inside. I understood it completely and it helped her immensely to be able to walk into that day knowing that it was right for her family, but most importantly, her dad. On that day she came and gave me a big hug and a kiss. She thanked me and told me that she’d needed that amount control in order to cope. I also had a lady who had lost her husband. She was a teacher…it was in her nature to want to check through my written work J This is all fine by me. If they want to change bits then I take no offense because at the end of the day I want them to never feel regret over their loved ones goodbye. My priority is that they can look back on it and always be able to say that it was right. There is no room for ego. To feel content over the funeral means that the very beginning of their long journey of healing has taken place. If the funeral isn’t right, how can they possibly move forwards?
What makes my job so worthwhile is knowing that I have done my best for a family. My family were once that grieving family. I treat every death as if it were my own mother, the family as if they are my dad…my siblings…myself. I have felt to my core that physical and excruciating pain of grief. Mine is healing and I am channelling it into something of use. What makes me cry every single time is the thanks you can receive afterwards. The letters, cards and emails I have received take my breath away because you never expect thanks. So when you get it from the depths of their hearts it makes me feel emotional and it makes me feel humble. I am the one who should be thanking them. Every family I serve teach me something new that I carry with me to the next family.
I get asked a lot why I’d want to do this job. People think it’s strange because I’m only 29. I know that families are surprised to see me arrive at their front door. One lady even proclaimed with a huge smile “Ohhhh they said you were young!!! Isn’t she young??” she said to her husband I’m also asked how I manage when the families try to speak at their loved one’s goodbye and break down. How do I manage when the music comes on and I can hear all the tears? How do I manage when it’s a mum that’s died and it awakens my own grief? My answer is this. It is very hard at times but I have to be strong; it is my heartfelt duty to the families. This job is not a job. It is not something I simply do for money. This work is serving people who are feeling as I once felt. It’s a vocation and it comes 100% from my heart. I manage because a beautiful family are depending on me, like I once depended on others when my mum died. I don’t lose my strength when I see other’s lose theirs, although it would be so easy to. This work holds my full passion and compassion. I will cry after the funeral on my way home. I will never forget the death that I have just served or the family. And if what I have done has made something unbearable into something a little less unbearable then I am content with that.
I love my work and hope I get to spend all my days doing it. I have learnt so very much and I am so very blessed in every single way. This work is special, but that doesn’t mean that I am special. I am just a woman that felt grief at an early age, and so I now have my whole life to apply that understanding to people who really need it.
I’d say to everyone out there to not settle for work that is unfulfilling. When you do what you love then life is a truly magical thing.
Lots of love
Caroline xxxxxx
Find Caroline’s website here.
Extracts from a story in Metro, 2 July 2012:
Beverley Webb and Michelle Blakesley said the way Co-Op Funeralcare handled Gloria Roper’s service was ‘shambolic’ after one worker said: ‘We’ve brought out our 4.15pm instead.’
The coffin was about to pass through the curtains at the crematorium when the family noticed it was a different colour to the one they had purchased.
Michelle Blakesley said: ‘We tried to tell the manager who had organised the funeral what was going on but she had already left.’
‘They were so heartless and condescending. One of their staff tried to tell us we were wrong, insisting our grief was making us confused. We were distraught.’
The Co-Op of Weymouth, Dorset, issued a ‘sincere apology’ and refunded the sisters £1,000.
A spokesperson said: ‘We are very sorry and have apologised to the family for any distress caused.
‘A full investigation has taken place into why our policies and procedures were not followed and appropriate action has been taken.’
Further details from the People, 1 July 2012:
They also complained Co-op Funeralcare in Weymouth, Dorset, made a string of errors such as having to change Gloria’s coffin plaque after getting her date of birth and death wrong before last December’s service.
The sisters said their memorial rings, costing £575, were also inscribed with incorrect dates. They claimed the family were told they could not have purple balloons because there was a “helium shortage” in the UK.
A couple of days ago Paul Hensby at My Last Song sent the following query to Co-operative Funeralcare:
“Would you consider advising families to research the growing number of cheaper and eco-friendly alternatives to wood-based coffins? Are you anticipating a growing demand for more individual farewell ceremonies and if so how are you training your staff to supply these bespoke funerals?”
This is the reply he got:
“Thank you for making contact
you may find visiting our web site to undertnad how we support a whole range of differing styles of fuenral arrangements. Including the items you make note of.
Cleint Relations”
Read the entire sorry tale over at My Last Song here.
‘TAMWORTH Co-op has spoken out to reassure people that its funeral services are a ‘million miles’ from the disturbing images depicted in an undercover Channel 4 investigation.
Julian Coles, chief executive of the Tamworth Co-op, says “We are an entirely independent, comparatively small and traditional Co-operative, operating from several funeral premises in the area we serve.”‘
How they must regret having adopted Funeralcare branding.
