It’s been quiet for many undertakers and celebrants recently (though not in Scotland, our Caledonian agent tells us). Don’t despair!
Hat-tip to Vale
To Hereford for the inaugural meeting of the newly-formed Guild Of Outstanding Funeral Staff, an invitation-only body of elite funeral service professionals dedicated to restoring rigour to funerals. The Guild stands in opposition to what it identifies as the ‘beeline to blandness’ being pursued by funeral directors and celebrants in response to consumer calls for celebration-of-life funerals, which the Guild disparages as ‘nothing but grief-bypass therapy’.
We enjoyed a short film from their training programme for funeral celebrants showing the correct way to arrive at a crematorium. It cannot be embedded for technical reasons beyond our comprehension, but you can see it here.
Posted by Carole Renshaw, a civil celebrant
The market of Humanists and Celebrants seems to be growing!
I’m sure more are spilling out of the training programmes……….than they are withdrawing or giving up the cause! The plethora of new websites……new training provider logos………new leaflets………gives us some confidence that numbers in the profession are on the up!
Now if we take the economical and market driven debate – it would say that competition drives up service quality. I have no argument with that. But I do want to raise that thorny question – not what makes a good Funeral Celebrant………..there are plenty of books on that………….but What makes for a ‘bad’ Funeral Celebrant?
And my take on this is simple! I don’t believe that any Celebrant would be labelled as a ‘bad’ one in the eyes of mourners. That’s not to say they don’t exist. Funeral Directors will also have their own views on this. After all, they’re privileged to have that helicopter view of Celebrants as they sit and compare our styles, our words and our prices.
But so long as people leave their service feeling the send off was just what ‘Joan would have loved……’ then these same individuals who are at their lowest ebb and at one of the most vulnerable times of their lives, are happy – if happy is the right word!
I wonder if people who have lost someone special, really want to have to make that rational informed decision between good and bad. Don’t they just want someone to support them through it? It’s not until people have been to a few of these types of services, that they begin to make informed decisions of what’s available in the market. That leads to competition. And competition leads to better services.
I worked in health care for many years and I’ve seen people’s lives saved by poor and atrocious medical care. The very fact that lives had been saved was enough for the judgment call – not how they got there. That journey wasn’t relevant enough to be the point of discussion.
Funerals are no different. If Celebrants can help mourners to leave a service happy, comfortable and contented that their loved ones had a good send off ……then they’ve hit the right button! A fellow Celebrant once asked me if I sent out questionnaires for feedback after a service. My answer was short and sweet – No! And when I asked them if they had ever received poor feedback – their answer was short and sweet – No! I rest my case.
I was guided by a family member recently who very clearly told me that ‘….it has to be a good funeral…’. It wasn’t until I delved further and asked him ‘…what does a good funeral look like?’ that I got to the heart of the debate. Good……Bad……….we use these words too freely for them to have any real meaning.
I think it’s far easier to ask ‘What makes a good Celebrant’ from the mourners perspective. But what makes for a bad Funeral Celebrant – well that has far more reaching consequences for the profession and the funeral industry.
But the industry is informed enough to know the answer. And as competition increases, that answer will keep changing!
It was an extraordinary business. You may have read about it. Back in May of this year, a grandmother shot dead her 17 year-old grandson in leafy suburb of Detroit. She’s in prison now, awaiting trial. Goodness knows what really went on. She looks harmless enough, and her grandson, Jonathan, doesn’t necessarily seem to have been the type to make people murderous. Read about it in the Mail here.
It was bound to be a difficult funeral. Celebrants do quite a few difficult funerals and it can be very hard to find words worth saying at them. For this reason, all celebrants are interested to know what other celebrants say at the really tough ones.
What was said at Jonathan’s funeral? By good fortune, the funeral was filmed. It was a Jewish funeral, so it’s worth watching for all sorts of reasons if you’ve never seen a Jewish funeral before.
These were the opening words:
Friends, as we gather today, we each come to this moment seeking answers, trying to find understanding about the unthinkable, the unimaginable. And in this moment our focus cannot be on those answers which we will never find. We cannot dwell on that which has passed, for even the answers that may come to mind are unacceptable, they challenge who we are as a community, as a people. So rather than turn to those answers, we turn to our own personal sense of hope. The life lost was not for nothing. We pray that this moment of gathering with friends and family brings us healing of some kind, understanding that this moment is the beginning for the rest of us of the next moments of our lives.
See the whole funeral here. Listen to Jonathan’s last, desperate 911 call here.
We are pleased to pass on to you this appeal from a TV production company making a good-news documentary for Channel 5. We’ve spoken to them at length and like them. If you have created a really special funeral, or are a funeral director or a celebrant who has collaborated, or is currently collaborating, with families to achieve something special, we encourage you to get in touch.
Planning a personalised funeral? Breaking with convention?
We’re making a really positive television documentary for Channel 5. We would like to show the diverse range of possibilities for people to take control of their funeral and create ceremonies and memorials that are more personal and reflective of the individual concerned. The documentary aims to explore all the diverse ways this can be done which the wider public may not know about.
As producers, it has been a real eye opener to learn that the conventional funeral is a Victorian invention and that legally we are much freer to do things differently than we ever realised. We’d love to get this across and to illustrate it we’d like to meet people who are planning a personalised funeral or memorial. We are not prescriptive and open to all new suggestions. We will be filming from mid September to the end of October.
The tone of the programme will celebrate the diverse range of commemorations that are possible and highlight a more contemporary approach to marking death in a really positive way. We hope the film itself may serve as a good memory and we can make it available to families. In certain circumstances we may be able to contribute towards expenses.
Back2Back Productions is a Brighton-based documentary production company specialising in high quality factual programming and you can see our work on our website.
If this sounds interesting please get in touch and feel free to ask us anything at all about the project. anne.mason@back2back.tv or 01273 227700
A recent comment in the Guardian reminds us of the setbacks to the cause of better funerals that can be wrought by indifferent celebrants. Well, that’s my interpretation of this:
I was unfortunate enough to attend a “humanist funeral” a couple of years ago. It struck me as utterly fatuous and silly, without the appropriate respect for life or any real solace to those who were grieving, and in no way provided any alternative to the religious rituals which enable many people to make sense of their lives. Possibly this is because atheist philosophies are relatively new, and need to develop, but I have my doubts.
By Richard Rawlinson
You want celebrants to say good things well, but how do you want them to dress? If you’re opting for a civil funeral, do you want them business-like in a dark suit or to join in any sartorial theme requested by the departed? If you’re opting for a religious funeral, do you prefer traditional vestments or those favoured by the more progressive clergy?
Posted by Vale
We were saying farewell to a very old lady – nearly 99 – who had spent her last years living in a care home. She had no family there and, apart from myself and the organist, there were just four people present, all of them members of staff from the Care Home.
It could have been perfunctory: decent, caring even, but a bit of a formality. In the event it was one of the most moving services I have ever been involved in.
It made me wonder where our feelings come from. We are involved in funerals all the time, why is it that, even if we are always engaged, empathetic, professional, there are some services – not always the most tragic – that carry an extra emotional charge?
For me the answer lies in the relationship we have with our clients. It looks straightforward, is usually quite brief, yet in my experience manages to contain all sorts of complexities.
What happens when you meet people – family, a group of friends, carers – for the first time? You bring experience, knowledge, expertise and a commitment to helping them shape the funeral that they need.
In return you receive a commission which is both practical and almost intangible. As you go off perhaps to find poetry and music, perhaps to write a tribute, you also carry with you a responsibility to be truthful to their feelings as they would like them represented at the funeral service.
It’s not always easy. You must in some measure set aside your own reactions to a death and even, on occasion, your own beliefs about the benefit of ‘good’ funerals. But in the end your only justification is to be truthful to their need. You reflect and are validated through their feelings. You depend on them in the same measure that they are depending on you.
In the case of my very elderly lady, although she had no family two of the carers had looked after her for twelve years, had grown to love her and were passionately concerned to give her the best and most feeling send off that they could manage.
So although there was no life story and only the smallest things to remember – a saying, a look, a turn of the head – her funeral was charged with mystery, love and, in the end, a sense that together we had been able to do what was needed.
Posted by Reverend Noel Lockyer-Stevens, One Spirit Interfaith Minister
Ed’s note: Noel is writing in response to Richard Rawlinson’s challenging post here.
The undertaking of a funeral service is for me one of the most privileged roles I undertake within my ministry in Dorset. I am sure that every minister, ordinand and priest feels the same or similar.
Why is privilege so important? When someone contacts me to take a funeral service it is because that it is recognised that I may be able to meet the needs of the newly bereaved family and the person who has left this mortal realm.
What are those needs? I believe they are as follows;
To be treated in a heartfelt way,
To be treated with respect for their religious or non religious belief
For the person who has passed to be honoured and their life to be celebrated despite any pain or anger from family or friends
To offer a landmark service that can be used for healing after honouring the deceased.
How can I help to meet those needs? I can arrive at the home of an unknown family as a stranger, discuss in intimate detail the life of someone I did not know and hopefully leave the lives of that family as a friend.
As a One Spirit Interfaith Minister I am not interested in tethering my belief system to the family I visit. For me anything that is respectful to the life of the departed and brings solace or comfort to the bereaved is okay in my book. The choice of music, song, prayer, poem or other reading is used as a tool for relief rather than invoking any form of guilt or shame or hurt.
I will not judge a life as right, wrong, bad or sinful, because these are points of view, not absolutes. I do not preach, I deliver soft and gentle messages of joy, forgiveness and hope. I do this in a way tailored to the beliefs of the family, whether they see an afterlife or not. Is there one? Can I say with proof positive that there is? Will I say with denial there is not?
This is not sitting on the fence, this is not a person afraid to talk about his beliefs of religion and spirituality. But neither will I tell any family what they can or cannot use to heal their pain, that there is only one brand of plaster to put on an open wound. Many brands of plaster aid healing and I am open to them all.
A guest post by Caroline Doughty
Hello everybody!
It’s been a while since I updated my blog and my wonderful friend and celebrant teacher has inspired me with her own thought-provoking blog post, to share my experiences so far in my work as an Independent Celebrant in regards to Funeral Services.
So…where do I begin??? I have learnt so much.
I remember the first funeral I ever did up in Mossley. My celebrant teacher and her team were right there supporting me. They had faith in my ability to lead this service. I was petrified. After all, it’s a huge deal to be helping a bereaved family say goodbye and even though I wanted to do this work, I tended to develop nagging doubts about my own ability. But whilst I was feeling this fear, I just decided to walk straight into it. It felt very natural to be leading that special coffin through the crematorium. And once I was at the lectern and saw the family’s eyes looking up to me to be their guide, to be their strength, I stepped up. You have to. It is your responsibility.
Since that day I have gone on to develop a very lovely working relationship with a long established and well respected Funeral Directors in my home of Shrewsbury. I walked into their building on the Friday, spoke to the most lovely man about my approach and how passionate I am about what I do, and the following Monday I was booked for my first funeral in my local area.
It was a small funeral and I feel that maybe the FD was very sensibly ‘testing the water’. Seeing what I was about to get a feel of my work. I couldn’t have been that bad because they have been booking me for funerals ever since. And I am so very grateful to them for taking me on. In this business you can never take anything for granted and I have developed a very strong loyalty towards them. Each member of their staff is nothing but wonderful. They are gentle with their families, they are professional without being cold and they all have a good sense of humour! A strange thing you may think? I don’t mean a humour that is in any way disrespectful, but when things do get a little haywire and plans fall by the wayside, you do need a very good sense of humour…believe me! I have learnt that a good working relationship goes both ways. We respect each other and I will never be any less than completely reliable for them.
Now, the biggest learning curve takes place through working with the families. Each one is special, individual, hurting, in need of your guidance, in need of your open-mind and each one is in need of your love, no matter what their outward persona may be. And so my love is what they will always receive.
When I walk into the home of a bereaved family I never fail to feel honoured. And that is because they open the door to me, put out their hand to welcome me and usher me inside. Inside their home, their personal space, their grief and their memories. Let’s face it, they don’t actually want me to arrive. They don’t want to be arranging a funeral service at all. They’re desperately hurting. But they let me in and the first thing I always say is “Thank you for having me in your home.”
Some families are very gentle, some are quite tough externally but you’ll see tears being fought at every memory shared, some are bereft and will openly cry and then apologise for doing so. That breaks my heart and I always tell them that they must know that they can cry, that I’m in no hurry and that I can always come back for another visit if they’d like. We take it slowly. Some are of course heartbroken but are very accepting of what has happened. I’ve even made a visit to a family where we spent two whole hours laughing, and there were some tears too. The thing is, you must approach that house neutral and with an open-mind. You can never assume anything. A family that seem non-religious ask for Footprints to be read and a family that do seem religious want Queen played out loud.
I always ask what ‘feel’ they want for the service. They look at me puzzled sometimes so I explain that some prefer something more formal, some more celebratory, some want humorous memories and laughter, some want more reflective and poignant etc. (you can mix it up) and then all of a sudden, they know exactly what approach they’d like. It’s almost as if being given that choice to begin with opens them up to speak of their true ideas. With that one question they are gently being told that it is ’their’ choice. It is not about me and what I do. It is about how I can serve them. We then move on to discuss all other aspects of the day…the eulogy, if anyone would like to speak, music, readings etc. They are also sometimes surprised to discover that I am more than happy to sing hymns! I let them know that I am happy to do whatever it takes to make it right for them. Only yesterday I did two funerals. The first was a celebratory service with lots of poignant words but also lots of laughter. The second was a religious affair with a more formal feel, hymns, the Lord’s Prayer, but equally as loving.
I connect with the family from my heart. This is how I write the services. I try to absorb their needs and the personality of their loved one. Then I apply it to the wording of the service. I spend many hours perfecting the funeral, making sure each phrase is right for that family and that it suits the individual who has passed away. I offer the family the choice of reading the eulogy before the funeral for their own peace of mind. And on two occasions the family have actually wanted to read the whole service beforehand. But most families tell you openly that they trust you, which is humbling and honouring at the same time. But I have no problems with showing them my work before the day.
I worked with one family who had lost a lovely elderly gentleman. His daughter was obviously struggling and she asked to see the whole service. I knew in my heart that it was because in the two weeks before her father’s goodbye, it was all she could do to function. Taking control of the service as a project was what she had to do to cope with that space between his death and his funeral. She didn’t tell me that it was a coping mechanism, but I knew it inside. I understood it completely and it helped her immensely to be able to walk into that day knowing that it was right for her family, but most importantly, her dad. On that day she came and gave me a big hug and a kiss. She thanked me and told me that she’d needed that amount control in order to cope. I also had a lady who had lost her husband. She was a teacher…it was in her nature to want to check through my written work J This is all fine by me. If they want to change bits then I take no offense because at the end of the day I want them to never feel regret over their loved ones goodbye. My priority is that they can look back on it and always be able to say that it was right. There is no room for ego. To feel content over the funeral means that the very beginning of their long journey of healing has taken place. If the funeral isn’t right, how can they possibly move forwards?
What makes my job so worthwhile is knowing that I have done my best for a family. My family were once that grieving family. I treat every death as if it were my own mother, the family as if they are my dad…my siblings…myself. I have felt to my core that physical and excruciating pain of grief. Mine is healing and I am channelling it into something of use. What makes me cry every single time is the thanks you can receive afterwards. The letters, cards and emails I have received take my breath away because you never expect thanks. So when you get it from the depths of their hearts it makes me feel emotional and it makes me feel humble. I am the one who should be thanking them. Every family I serve teach me something new that I carry with me to the next family.
I get asked a lot why I’d want to do this job. People think it’s strange because I’m only 29. I know that families are surprised to see me arrive at their front door. One lady even proclaimed with a huge smile “Ohhhh they said you were young!!! Isn’t she young??” she said to her husband I’m also asked how I manage when the families try to speak at their loved one’s goodbye and break down. How do I manage when the music comes on and I can hear all the tears? How do I manage when it’s a mum that’s died and it awakens my own grief? My answer is this. It is very hard at times but I have to be strong; it is my heartfelt duty to the families. This job is not a job. It is not something I simply do for money. This work is serving people who are feeling as I once felt. It’s a vocation and it comes 100% from my heart. I manage because a beautiful family are depending on me, like I once depended on others when my mum died. I don’t lose my strength when I see other’s lose theirs, although it would be so easy to. This work holds my full passion and compassion. I will cry after the funeral on my way home. I will never forget the death that I have just served or the family. And if what I have done has made something unbearable into something a little less unbearable then I am content with that.
I love my work and hope I get to spend all my days doing it. I have learnt so very much and I am so very blessed in every single way. This work is special, but that doesn’t mean that I am special. I am just a woman that felt grief at an early age, and so I now have my whole life to apply that understanding to people who really need it.
I’d say to everyone out there to not settle for work that is unfulfilling. When you do what you love then life is a truly magical thing.
Lots of love
Caroline xxxxxx
Find Caroline’s website here.
