Bretby crem sale a done deal

Exactly why East Staffordshire Borough Council and South Derbyshire District Council, the representatives of the people of Buxton-upon-Trent, who are the owners of Bretby crematorium, should want to sell it on their behalf and without their say so, is a dark and nasty mystery. Bretby crem is profit-making, well run and highly regarded.

The sale was agreed by the councillors in a secret meeting. Why secret? The same Judas councillors are now in negotiation with Midlands Co-op, and they’re talking figures in the region of £8 million – a large sum for the Co-op to recoup. How are they going to do that? What’s in it for them?

Anxieties have been raised about monopoly issues.

Councillor Frank Bather, independent, has criticised the councils for ‘lack of communication’ – in other words, conspiratorial secrecy. He asks why no mention was made of the proposed sale in the borough council newsletter.

Here is the council’s dog-ate-my-homework explanation:

“We did have information about the sale in the newsletter when we were looking into it. Now the newsletter will not come out until after the elections. It is a timing thing.”

Bastards!

 

 

Saving the people’s crem from the people’s undertaker

Things are at last hotting up in Burton upon Trent, where the local council and the borough council, joint owners of nearby Bretby crematorium, are considering a sell-out to Midlands Co-op for around £8 million.

Local undertakers are rubbing their hands with glee. The Co-op is the most gleeful, of course. Other fans of the move are Wellings Funeral Service, W Newton and Son, JH Grice Funeral Services, and Ward & Brewin Funeral Service. All these businesses… ah, you’ve guessed it. Yes, they all belong to Midlands Bloody Co-op.

There are just two genuinely independent FDs serving the good people of Burton and environs. They are S & L Murray and J Hylton & Sons. Hylton’s have started a petition against the sell-out; Sue Murray has written at sad and furious length to the local paper.

There has been no consultation with the public about the proposed sell-out, and it is difficult to discern a motive. There is a theory that the public sector couldn’t run a whelk stall, but Bretby crem is run by conspicuously nice, kind and helpful people – and it makes a profit. It seems to need no gigantic refurbishment. It is highly regarded.

And it belongs to the people, who haven’t been consulted.

If the Co-op succeeds in its bid, it will have a virtual monopoly on funeral services in Burton.

I very much hope that, even at this late stage, when the sale already begins to look like a done deal, the people of Burton will make enough noise to stop it.

Ethical schmethical

Here’s a question sent to money-problem solver Margaret Dibben in the Guardian. It exemplifies the utter crapness of funeral plans and the business methods of the People’s Undertaker.

Two years ago, after the untimely death of a young friend, I took out a bronze cremation plan with The Co-operative Funeralcare. I discussed it on the phone, received papers to sign and started paying £19 a month by direct debit.

I have recently lost work and am trying to cut my outgoings. When I asked The Co-operative how much longer I have to keep paying, I was told until I am 90. This was not explained to me. I am now 57 and in excellent health. If I cancel the policy, the Co-op will keep the £456 I have paid in so far.

Here’s part of the reply:

You have 33 years until you are 90 which means, if you live that long, you have to pay another £7,524 in premiums. The average cost of a funeral today is £2,700. Your only choice is to waste the £456 or keep paying.

Read the entire piece here.

Cock-up

As the old year subsides into a snowdrift, readers will have observed that this blog has been doing the same. There’s not much going on.

Forgive me, then, for getting out my baseball bat and once more shattering the kneecaps of the Co-op. Yes, it’s boring. But Ebenezer Google and his tribe of scribbling Cratchits notice. And then they push the GFG higher up page one of their online organ for anyone seeking to discover if the Co-op is the undertaker for them. It’s what my webman, an excellent fellow who never looks more fetching than when wearing his bespoke anorak, calls an SEO thing.

This is good news for independent funeral directors everywhere.

Mandy Ten Wolde of Somersham in Huntingdonshire engaged JH Landin and Son of Chatteris to look after arrangements for the funeral of her mother. JH Landin and Son is not, as you have already guessed, the premises of JH Landin and his son. No, it is an outpost of Anglia Co-op.

When Ms Ten Wolde asked if she could come and see her mother, the artist formerly known as JH Landin and Son said, she alleges, that she was welcome to do so provided she brought £2600 with her. She baulked, and they settled on £300. Once inside the ‘chapel of rest’ Ms  Ten Wolde was appalled to see marks on the face and body of her mum resulting from the post mortem examination. She is quoted in the Hunts Post as saying: “It was horrendous. We all sat there with our mouths open. We were so distressed. I’m hoping they will not put anyone else through this.”

Things went from bad to worse. At the funeral itself, Fenland Crematorium played the wrong music. Of course, no blame attaches to Anglia Co-op for this.

Fenland Crematorium is run by Dignity Caring Funeral Services.

Our condolences and sympathy go to Mandy Ten Wolde, her family and friends, whose distress we can only begin to imagine.

No link to the Hunts Post available as yet. I’ll post it if they put the story online.

Hat-tip to Andrew Hickson of Kingfisher Funerals, St Neot’s, for this story.

Good with grief

The banner on The Co-operative website proclaims that it is “good for everyone.” This accords with the long-held and passionate belief of all who toil at GFG HQ. To us, it’s a resounding statement of the obvious. We thought it was common knowledge.

It looks, though, as if Co-op’s marketing creatives have stalled in their efforts to transfer variants of this this little strapline to its manyother services. The Co-operative is “good with money” and it is “good with food” — but there it stops. They are probably beavering away, torturing their brains to generate “good with” straplines for travel, electricals, farms, cars and the rest. They are not “good for nothing”. They’ll come up with the mots justes, they will.

But it looks as if they need some help, and we think that the learned readership of this blog can rally round. Come on, everybody. “The Co-operative Funeralcare — good with ______________ .”

Suggestions in a comment box, please.

Sods’ law

The funeral industry is right to be wary of those who claim to scrutinise it on behalf of consumers. After all, Jessica Mitford did much injury to the American funeral industry with an exposé which held it up to ridicule and focussed on price at the expense of value, and so was actually of very little use to consumers.

Jessica and her muckraking merrymaking aside, the UK funeral industry was always going to find scrutiny hard to bear both because it is unaccustomed to being held to account and because parts of it  suffer from a degree of complacency, self-importance, even, induced by customers who come through its doors, hold their hands up and say, “Tell me what to do.”

The Good Funeral Guide is guilty of having had some fun at the expense of the funeral industry. Any consumer advocate is going to be adversarial at times, and resolutely non-aligned, of course. And in the interests of readability, this blog aims not to be solemn but challenging, thought-provoking, tail-tweaking, humorous, deadly serious, thoughtful, silly and sometimes downright maverick. Entertaining. If it’s earnest you want, join me at the University of Bath on Saturday for the CDAS annual conference, entitled A Good Send-off. It won’t all be dull. Melissa Stewart of Native Woodland is speaking.

The approach I have taken to the funeral industry is to hold it to account from time to time and, where possible, engage in constructive dialogue. Where the trade bodies, NAFD and SAIF are concerned there has been very little of that. Emails are not replied to or even acknowledged. If this makes me, sometimes, waspish, who’s not to understand?

Yet my main thrust has been not to expose rottenness but to spotlight what’s best in funeral service, to sing the praises of the unsung heroes – to show consumers the way to the good guys so that they needn’t worry themselves about the bad and the awful. Those good guys are invariably independents.

For this reason I tend to be slow to respond to beastly goings on. That’s why, in the matter of Co-operative Funeralcare’s response to the SAIF IPSOS-Mori price comparison survey, I have been slow out of the blocks. I don’t get a bang out of giving Funeralcare a drubbing once in a while. It is a wearisome duty conducted on behalf of funeral consumers, socialism and the ideals of the Rochdale Pioneers.

But this latest business is as bad as it gets.

Even though the SAIF price comparison survey would seem to be 100% quantitative and 0% qualitative, even though it talks about what consumers need to know, SAIF has, along with at least three of its members, in the words of SAIF ceo Alun Tucker, “been issued with papers from the legal team representing The Co-operative Funeralcare. The documents relate to the wording in various items of SAIF literature and the content of some advertisements that members have placed in their local press. I will not comment further at this stage, as we have placed the papers in the hands of solicitors for a response to Funeralcare’s claims.”

I think we all know exactly what we reckon to that. There is no reason to overexcite Co-op lawyers by putting our thoughts into words. Justice is only very, very distantly related to the Law. They hardly ever see each other, never at funerals.

There’s worse. There are allegations from others in the industry that SAIF-affiliated suppliers of merchandise and services are coming under pressure to think carefully about who they do business with – a threat to the viability of SAIF as a trade body. Who is applying this pressure? And, as a writer to SAIF Insight, the trade body’s magazine, says, what if all this were to come into the public domain?

Well, it is in the public domain. And we reckon we know what it’s all about, don’t we? The funeral industry is not a hermetically sealed world like the illegal drugs trade. This is a matter which belongs to wider society; it needs to be aired; it is of material interest to all funeral consumers, the very people the funeral industry and the Good Funeral Guide together seek to serve.

It is because we share this common purpose that I believe we should talk to each other. We won’t always agree, but that’s not the point. So I hope I shall hear soon from spokespeople at SAIF and the NAFD.

My sincere thanks to all those of you who have contacted me with information and told me what you think. Where do we go from here?

If you want to leave a comment, please be very, very careful how you word it.

Co-op lawyers please note: I signed my house over to my wife when I cancelled my smile bank account. I am penniless. (It’s true, too, but I’m throwing it in also for readers who are members of the NAFD. They’ll see the joke.)

Vile and baseless rumours

Yesterday I reported that rumours are swirling in Funeralland concerning the response of the People’s Undertaker to the release of the IPSOS-Mori funeral price comparison commissioned by the independent funeral directors’ trade association, SAIF — a survey which revealed Co-op charges to be, on average, higher than those in the independent sector despite its enjoyment of significant economies of scale.

I thank all those of you who have contacted me, confidentially, to talk about these rumours.

I am pleased and relieved to be able to report that these rumours are indeed baseless. There have been no instances of heavy-handedness concerning industry suppliers Wilcox Limousines, Lyn Oakes the clothing people, or a leading and excellent firm of funeral directors.

Just as I thought!

No official comment yet from SAIF or the NAFD. But I watch my stats. I know who’s looking. I said to them, when I emailed them yesterday, that I am only doing what any conscientious consumer advocate would do. I’d far rather sing the praises of the best, that’s where my emphasis lies, but I have to maintain an overview.

Anything in it?

Perhaps the most important recent consumer information to reach the public domain was the SAIF IPSOS-Mori  price comparison survey (26 Feb 2010) which showed that  “Average funeral directors’ charges are highest for Dignity funeral directors and lowest for independents. Co-operative Funeralcare branches fall between the two.”

SAIF wouldn’t share these results with the Good Funeral Guide on the grounds, that, though we make a better case for independent funeral directors than most, we were adjudged not to be fit and proper recipients. Good news will out, though. We soon had that clean linen being aired on this website. Since then, SAIF has quietly aired it on its own.

Why the shhh!? I’d have thought that SAIF members pay their subs to have this sort of information trumpeted at full blast. As we go into an era of cuts lots more people are going to be looking for a cheap funeral. Every financial journalist in the country would have picked up on a brightly-worded press release.

One possible reason has reached me in the form of swirling rumours. I say rumours and, for the benefit of Co-op Funeralcare’s lawyers, I repeat: rumours. Allegations. Baseless, doubtless.

These rumours centre on the response of Co-op Funeralcare to the release of the SAIF survey. They are ugly rumours.

Does anyone have any solid, verifiable information they’d like to share?

Don’t leave an anonymous comment below. I couldn’t trace you through it, but others, possibly, could. Contact me direct: Charles@goodfuneralguide.co.uk. Arrange to phone, if you prefer. You will just have to trust that I shall treat anything you say in strictest confidence.

It would be good to stand these rumours up or knock them down, as they deserve.

Funeralcare screwupdate, with added overpricing

It is with a heavy-hearted sense of duty that I record this beastly and deplorable allegation against Co-operative Funeralcare. You can find the full version at MoneySavingExpert.com.

Don’t use co-operative funeralcare directors they are disgusting …They failed to complete the legal documents correctly they put the wrong funeral date on the documents … We were refused entry into the crematorium chapel and were left outside in the cold distressed and in total shock, the funeral directors were an absolute disgrace they were too busy blaming the crematoria staff and they in turn were blaming the funeral directors. They threw the flowers into my mums hearse and put her photo in on its side! they showed us no respect or help at all just told us to go back to our cars because the service would not go ahead today. It was only after myself and my family refused to move and told them to get the police that they started to accept that they would have to do something so the service could go ahead. DO NOT USE THE CO-OPERATIVE FUNERAL GROUP!!!!!

Here is an all-too-familiar complaint from the Guardian:

I had problems with the accounts section of Co-operative Funeralcare. When I booked the funeral I said that I would not be able to pay for it until probate had been granted. I was told that would be fine provided I kept the accounts section informed. On the day, and before, the staff involved with the funeral were brilliant. Afterwards I began getting threatening letters from the accounts department. I explained what was happening, but the threatening letters continued, including threats of Court Action and referral to debt collectors … Obviously no company would survive if it was not paid for it’s services, but I had expected a more human approach from Co-operative Funeralcare accounts department, not just communication with a computer.

Also from the Guardian, a case of an unaccountably expensive funeral, even after taking into account the fact that the only charge the writer saved himself was the cost of a celebrant:

In the last 12 months, I have sadly lost my Mum and my wife. Mum’s funeral in South London cost £1480 (inc VAT). My wife’s funeral in Fenland cost £2950 (inc Vat). In both cases we did not make use of a vicar, but conducted the service at the crematorium myself. The only ‘extra’ was another doctor’s certificate needed in the case of my wife. We had no headstones or plaques and no announcements in the newspapers. Included in the Fenland charge was £357 for a vehicle to travel 22 miles from the undertaker’s to the crematorium. I felt , and still do feel, very ripped off … The company we used in Fenland had been taken over by the Co-Op, but hadn’t told anybody.

The following, from the Independent, are not Co-op stories. But there is a moral in them for all funeral directors, because they are going to encounter more and more demand, especially from atheists, for direct cremation:

It was my aunt’s misfortune to die on Maundy Thursday, less than 24 hours before the longest bank holiday of the year. She had donated her body to medical science … But when the day came, her donation was, maddeningly, refused … My uncle and I discussed what to do. We agreed to go for the simplest option, in accordance with what we believed would have been her wishes. I began making enquiries. I phoned six funeral directors and asked them to quote for a cremation. In London, a 45-minute slot at a crematorium costs around £500, but if you are prepared to accept an early morning appointment – 9am or 9.30am – the charge drops to less than £200. In addition, you must pay the fees of two doctors to confirm the death, amounting together to £147 … The quotes I received from the funeral directors ranged from £1,500 to £2,000. I did some arithmetic. Allowing £200 for the cremation, £150 for the doctors’ signatures and £150 for a cardboard coffin (at cost) came to £500 in all. The task for the funeral director was to collect the body from the hospital – St Mary’s, Paddington – and take it to the crematorium (Golders Green, Marylebone, Islington or – the cheapest – Mortlake). For the living, the cost of this journey by taxi would be about £30. For the dead, it turns out, it is £1,000. Dead unlucky, you could say. Next time, I plan to hire an estate car, buy a coffin and do the job myself.

And this:

My father died in 2008. He was a staunch atheist who asked for his body to be ‘offered as convenient for medical use or research and otherwise to be cremated wholly without ceremony’. The hospital didn’t manage to take up this offer so we were faced with the same problem. We were unimpressed with what seemed absurdly expensive offers from undertakers. Eventually my brother took Dad’s body from the hospital mortuary to the crematorium by van, at a fraction of the price. This was entirely successful, and it was what Dad wanted. It’s time the death industry started providing for those of us who do not want any ritual around our remains.

Do leave a comment — especially if you are a funeral director.

Co-operative Funeralcare – a case for care in the community?

Listeners to this week’s edition of Radio 4’s hilarious News Quiz hooted from the outset when the programme kicked off with this announcement from the Whitby Gazette:
 
Does your Mum deserve an evening of pampering which will make her feel like a princess? The Whitby Gazette has teamed up with Co-operative Funeralcare to give her a night out she’ll remember for years to come.
 
A scan of the Whitby Gazette website reveals that, owing to the fierceness of the competition, there were, thanks to the bottomless generosity of the Co-op, two incredibly lucky winners (a dead heat): Lisa O’Brien and Donna Dyson. Not only were they fed, they were also presented with floral tributes (coffin sprays?) by Effcare’s tame florist and, of course, conveyed hither and yon in long wheel-base griefmobiles.
 
Lisa suffers from osteoarthritis and fibromyalgia. Donna is her Dad’s carer. Read the story here.
 
Is it puerile to snigger at undertakers who do good works? Yes, of course it is. But only if good works are done for good works’ sake. By good people.