Hearses

Are you a Funeral Director or a Fleet Manager?

29 October 2014
Charles
9 Comments
Categories: Hearses

Guest post by James Hardcastle

You cannot be both and nor should you have to be. Communities look to you, as a trusted funeral director, to be supporting them in their time of need whilst planning the unique good-bye for their loved one and not fretting about another problem with your fleet.

Do the BBC run their own canteen? No – they get a catering company in whose core business is just that – catering. The reason they do this is because it’s more cost effective, it’s easier for them and it frees them up to concentrate on their core business and ultimately produces a more professional product at the end.

Recent research conducted by The Carriage Master demonstrated the average cost of running a typical five year old Hearse and one totals an eye-watering £8,018 per annum. Whilst a hearse is used on nearly 100% of all funerals, did you know that an accompanying limousine is often only supplied for 60% of those funerals?

For the average Funeral Director doing less than 56 funerals year, it makes no commercial sense to run your own processional fleet and simply wipes profit straight from your bottom-line. If you’re wanting to run a shiny limousine then the figure is closer to 70 funerals a year – and that’s before you’ve bought the things in the first place.

These are just the raw commercials. What these commercials will not tell you is the hassle-factor and the management time spent dealing with your fleet – the cleaning, administration, legislative and logistical costs are unquantifiable. There’s also the risk associated with running a fleet for hire and reward, which is essentially what you’re doing. If your maintenance plans, service records and driver records are not in tip-top condition, and something goes wrong, then you face, at best, adverse publicity, potential fines and in the very worst cases, a lengthy prison sentence.

So this begs the question, why are most Funeral Directors still hanging on to the well-worn comfort blanket of running their own processional fleet?

It’s the fear of the unknown. Until recently the carriage hire industry had no strategic vision, cause or leadership. What it had was a friendly funeral director in close proximity who hired or a ‘man with cars’ who would see if he could fit you in – but you’d have to rush the mourners through as they had somewhere to be.

This is why The Carriage Master now leads the way within the industry – it provides a cost-effective, tried and trusted proposition to funeral directors who relish the chance to think differently, reduce their business complexity and protect the bottom-line whilst ultimately freeing them to do what they’re good at – funeral directing.

Should you go out and sell your fleet tomorrow? Absolutely not. What you should be doing is thinking strategically, understanding the available options and planning for what successful business growth could look like with some outsourced help from the market leader in Funeral Vehicle Hire.

James Hardcastle is the Managing Director of The Carriage Master. The Carriage Master continues to revolutionise the way in which vehicle hire is delivered to the funeral profession. Their one vehicle, one funeral, one day policy combined with their ‘Always Available’ commitment ensures they are able of offer the largest single rental fleet in the UK.
(T) 0845 450 1884
(E) hello@thecarriagemaster.co.uk 

Tradition is a guide, not a jailer

28 October 2014
Charles
12 Comments
Categories: funeral, Hearses, traditional funerals

When Lawrence Llewelyn Bowen was at large on tv’s Changing Rooms, it was not unusual for people to weep when they saw what he’d done to their living room and, through their tears, defiantly declare that, first chance they got, they were going go out and buy 5 litres of brilliant white.

Not all, mind. Some loved the opulence and the clutter.

The same tension between magnificence and minimalism has been evident throughout the history of the British funeral. The time of greatest opulence was between 1400 and 1700, the golden age of the heraldic funeral, supervised by the College of Arms and reserved, of course, for armigerous people, ordinary folk being of no account in those days, not having Russell Brand to speak up for them. The period of greatest minimalism was during the Protectorate, when the Directory of Public Worship (1644) ordained:

When any person departeth this life, let the dead body, upon the day of burial, be decently attended from the house to the place appointed for public burial, and there be immediately interred, without any ceremony.

Cromwell’s own funeral was exceedingly grandiose.

The Puritan funeral has only been surpassed in simplicity by that minimalist newcomer, direct disposal.

The educated and the posh know that the first rule of good taste is restraint. Their fastidiousness is not endorsed by most so-called ‘ordinary people’, who love to put on a good show and, afterwards, festoon a grave with garish, joyous grieving bling. The East End funeral is a good example, the sort of occasion that Bertram Puckle had in mind in his 1926 bestseller, Funeral Customs, Their Origin And Development:

The procession conducting the body to the grave has always offered a welcomed opportunity for the display of pomp, circumstance and ostentatious grief, so prized by the vulgar mind. The average man or woman can claim public attention only at marriage and burial, and on each of these occasions a nonentity becomes the centre of attraction in a ceremonial procession to and from the church.

Not sure if he means the undertaker, the chief griever or the corpse.

We all love a bit of pomp and ceremony even if, for some people (liberals, lefties, intellectual snobs) admitting it is like fessing up that their favourite film is the Sound of Music. Strong men and women of all worldviews have wept at the spectacle of the doggy mascot of the Irish Guards. I know; I am one of them.

And that’s why I deplore the decline of the ‘traditional’ funeral for people who wish, in the spirit of the Irish Guards, to put on the dog for their funerals, but are presently declining to do so either because we, as a culture, are going through another bout of minimalism or, as seems more likely, they are not getting value from our trad, ceremonial funeral. It’s not doing them enough good to justify the expense.

Before we consider the elements of the ceremonial funeral and ask ourselves what we want to keep and what we can repurpose, let’s make sure we understand one thing above all. The modern ceremonial funeral is modelled on the Victorian funeral. And it doesn’t stop there, because the Victorian funeral was a chivalric revival of the medieval heraldic funeral. Our trad funeral has its origins in chapter one of our island story. Are we really going to stand stony-eyed and watch all that go down the pan?

The obsession with the one-off, bespoke, personalised funeral fails to take into account all those who like funerals whose format is a comfortingly familiar and recognisable and which contains a well-written, well-delivered, highly personal eulogy.

Here, then, are some generic elements of ceremonial. Which would you junk and which would keep?

1.  Public
2. Processional 
3. Eyecatching (ie, presents a visual spectacle)
4. Hierarchical
5. Creates a fitting sense of occasion
6. Comprises symbolic, non-verbal acts
7. Ritualistic, operating according to arbitrary or arcane rules
8. Incorporating visual, tactile, olfactory, kinetic, auditory and gustatory (food) elements
9. Participative
10. Of minimal utilitarian value

Next, which of the following statements do you agree or disagree with?

1. Funerary ceremonial is a means of preserving historic attitudes and conduct – ‘this is what we think and this is what we do when someone dies’. To reject socially sanctioned ceremonial is not an expression of autonomy, it is an anti-social act.
2. Ceremonial confers legitimacy – ‘if we did not do it this way it would be inauthentic’.
3. Tradition – ie faith in the authority of immemorial beliefs and institutions – is the path to truth – ‘I will only be able to handle this and make sense of it if I stick to the ritual.’ Desired consequences ensue if you do the ritual right.
4. Rejection or absence of ceremonial typifies a culture where institutions and collective beliefs are weak. Tradition dies when social conditions and/or belief systems alter and traditional responses are seen to produce an adverse reaction.
5. A familiar ritual is a means of dealing with something we do not fully understand. We meet the event with such wisdom as we have already assimilated from previous experiences of the ritual
6. A processional funeral is a vehicle which takes you from one mental/emotional state to another. “A good funeral gets the dead where they need to go and the living where they need to be.” – Thomas Lynch
7. Ritual is the best means of bringing people together

“A good funeral is not static. The first great necessity of death is to move the body of the deceased from here to there, that is, from the place of death to the place of final disposition. In most places around the world, and throughout most of human history, carrying the body of the deceased to the grave or the fire or the mountain, weeping or singing, mourning and praying along the way, is not done before the funeral or after the funeral – it is the funeral.” Thomas Long

Hearse and one?

21 October 2014
Charles
1 Comment
Categories: funeral directors, Hearses

Guest post by David Holmes

As the global recession took hold in 2008, families arranging funerals started cutting back on cost. First to face the chop (forgive the pun) was the lovely black limousine. And why not, they are but frippery, very non-essential, so why pay around £200 to hire one when you can easily do without? These days all families have cars don’t they, so getting to the Church or crem on time is very straightforward.

As 2008 gave way to 2009, I made the tough (traditional FD’s love their cars) decision to do away with our own lim as the majority of clients just didn’t want to hire it, opting instead for ‘meet-at’ funerals at lower cost.

Believe it or not, a new Jaguar or Mercedes limousine now costs up to £135,000 to buy; the trade journal Ads implore ‘£30,000 down and just £1,500 per month in easy payments’. Wow! Then there’s the uniformed driver, insurance, fuel, tax, maintenance and garaging to pay for. We spend hours cleaning the damn things too. Running a limousine is an expensive business, and frankly only the large busy ‘cluster of branches’ FD’s can really make them pay – because they can pack their diary with jobs and with luck, get the same limousine out on up to 10 funerals a week. Do the maths, 10 x £200 makes the investment very worthwhile.

At the same time as our lim was cut, my telephone mystery shopping of competitors informed me that when telephone quoting for funerals, they had suddenly started offering a ‘free limousine’ – astonishing generosity eh? When challenged, they told me that if I, (potential client) didn’t want one, they couldn’t reduce the funeral cost, so I may as well use it. So much for client choice. If you thought big funeral directors were welded to their take it or leave it mindless package funerals, you’d be right. They need to get the maximum return on their investment and make the diary work.

Thankfully for many, the recession seems to be petering out. More clients are hiring limousines again. Rejoice! So, I have just bought a beautiful Jaguar lim to follow our Jaguar hearse and I think clients should definitely hire it. Not just because if I fail to keep up with the hefty payments, ours will be repossessed, but because I think our clients really benefit from having a lim. Who knows how you’ll feel on the day of a funeral? Will you really feel up to driving your own car, will you fret about timekeeping, getting lost or separated from the hearse, and will you be able to park easily on arrival? Carrying up to seven people, you also get to sit with the people you love most – there’s a sense of we’re all in this together. You can comfort one another, laugh, reassure and remember the person up front, and when it’s all over, you can be transported in temperature controlled luxury to the venue of your choice, all for £200, divided by 7 people = £28 each, at £14 each way, surely it’s the best bargain on any funeral director’s price list?

Of course with Holmes & Family funeral directors, you can abandon the whole cortege thing completely and use a smart closed van hearse at a fraction of the hearse and one price. Best of all, no-one will gawp at you traversing the High Street in those long back cars that can make you and yours look like extras in an episode of the Sopranos!

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Funerals for Football Fans

1 October 2014
Charles
4 Comments
Categories: Hearses

Posted by David Hall

Although Lorry Drivers are top of the Vintage Lorry Funerals customer league table, they are closely followed in the number two position by Football Fans.

Some Football Fan business has been derived from the 1950 Leyland Beaver’s red and blue livery and funerals have taken place for Fans whose teams play in similar colours. Currently the list includes Crystal Palace, West Ham and Portsmouth F. C.

However, a large volume of business has been attracted by David Hall’s ability to build a white goal posts Theme, with a green net, which is prominently displayed against a blue background of the headboard and rear of the cab of his vintage lorry. A Family’s Floral Tributes can be a ‘Football’, a ‘Shirt’ or a ‘Shield’ which are incorporated into the Theme. On one occasion two ‘Football’ tributes and a ‘Shirt’ were displayed on a stepped support structure, so that together they depicted a Player juggling the Ball in front of the coffin. Funerals in this category have included Fans of Arsenal, Liverpool, Everton, Manchester United, Southampton, Bristol Rovers and Stockport County.

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Writing Articles after a Funeral

1 September 2014
Charles
5 Comments
Categories: Hearses

Posted by David Hall

Unlike other Carriage Masters, Vintage Lorry Funerals David Hall’s involvement with a Family doesn’t end at the Crematorium, as he is often involved in writing articles about the Deceased and submitting them to Editors of Trade Magazines.

David is known to a number of Editors and he can write articles in a manner and style specific to each publication and normally these articles are prominently featured. No charge is made for this element of his service because David knows this is a win, win, win situation. Families are delighted to see their Loved One’s memory honoured in such a prestigious magazine, the Editor is pleased as extra copies of the magazine fly off the shelves from W. H. Smiths in the area around the Funeral Directors location and it does Vintage Lorry Funerals no harm in having its contact details at the bottom of the article.

David Hall’s drive to market the business was precipitated not by an approach from a Marketing Company but by a grieving lady from his first funeral in London. After a very large funeral in Croydon Crematorium a lady walked out of the crowd and made a bee-line for David who was rolling up the ratchet straps. This person was not a member of the Family but a grieving lady who had lost her own Father only 3 weeks previously. She explained, ‘My Dad would have loved to have had his final journey on your lorry. Why didn’t I know about your lorry? Why didn’t my Funeral Director tell me about your lorry?’ David was shell-shocked by the vitriolic nature of the approach. The lady then stepped closer and between each word she spoke she poked David in the ribs with her forefinger saying, ‘You need to get out there. You need to get a picture in every Funeral Directors window. Your lorry won’t sell itself!’ Twelve years on David can still feel the bruises in his ribs.

When David was booked for a funeral of a 95 year old, former British Road Services Driver, the Family took up David’s offer to write an article suitable for a Transport Magazine. David felt that Ernest Cackett was unique having a lifespan of 95 years as most men who worked alongside Ernest never reached retirement age. The high mortality rate of Lorry Drivers from the 1950s was caused by poor diets, irregular meals, early starts, late finishes, and working an average week and a half in each week, compared with other types of employment. Ernest put his long life down to not drinking or smoking and keeping fit.

At Wilford Hill Crematorium David was shown some black & white photographs and a number of Family members recounted amazing stories from Ernest’s days on the road. The best one being when Ernest was driving a Leyland Octopus Eight-wheeler, and trailer, accompanied by a Trailer Boy who operated the trailer brakes. When they parked up for the night in the middle of nowhere in the winter of 1949 Ernest told the boy that he could sleep inside the cab and Ernest would sleep under the tarpaulins on the sheet rack, on top of the cab. Early in the morning the boy woke up shivering and rubbed a hole in the condensation on the windscreen to see that 5 inches of snow had fallen overnight. The boy tried to wake Ernest by calling his name a number of times and with a lack of response he was fearful that Ernest had passed away during the night. However, the sheets and the snow on top were flung back, Ernest stood up, stretched and said, ‘Come on lad, we have to get rolling.’

David, with help from Denise Cackett, Ernest’s Daughter-in-Law, wrote an article for Vintage Roadscene, a Kelsey publication that features obituaries in the ‘Scene & Heard’ section near the rear of the magazine. The text was accompanied by two pictures, a 1947 photograph of Ernest in front of his lorry and one from the funeral with Ernest’s coffin on the 1950 Leyland Beaver, taking up over three quarters of a page.

Ernest’s Family said that he used to receive a Retirement Magazine from his former employer, in which obituaries were featured on the back page, however, no one knew the name of the magazine as Ernest’s supply was lost when he went into a Care Home. So David was given the challenge of finding out the name of the magazine and the contact details of the Editor. David is part of Commercial Transport in Preservation (CTP) an organisation of over 400 members throughout Britain who restore vintage vehicles. A regular monthly meeting takes place in Salisbury and there are a number of Road Runs during the year, however, from David’s perspective the most important feature are the contacts he has built up over the years.

Robin Masters operates a Bristol Eight-wheeler in BRS colours in road runs and he helped to provide David with information on the magazine, Making Connections, and the email address of the Editor. In addition on hearing Ernest’s activities sleeping under the stars and the sheets, Robin offered David editorial space in the Handout he was preparing as part of his BRS Liveried Vehicle Road Run. Ernest Cackett’s family was invited to the Road Run and shown vehicles similar to the ones Ernest used to drive. Denise Cacket reported back to David Hall that she and the rest of Ernest’s family had been treated like celebrities once they had introduced themselves to Robin Masters.

Three months after Ernest’s funeral Making Connections prominently featured Ernest’s article with it taking up over half of their Obituary Page, with 7 other obituary articles confined to the other half.

The ability to write articles is another way David can exceed a Family’s expectation of his services and this can lead to very positive referrals.

http://www.vintagelorryfunerals.co.uk

ED’S NOTE: David writes for us at the beginning of every month, his copy always arriving promptly on the 1st. His delightful reminiscences are a highlight for many readers. Please do not hold back in showing your appreciation. 

Avoiding a Parking Fine before a Coventry Funeral

4 August 2014
Charles
3 Comments
Categories: Hearses

When David Hall, of Vintage Lorry Funerals, was booked for a funeral in the centre of Coventry he undertook research using Google Street-view. It was evident that building the inner city ring road had dissected streets, splitting them into two distinct parts, similarly to the impact imposed by the creation of the Berlin Wall in August 1961. Also Coventry has a Medieval Centre like Berlin, however, David didn’t realise until he got there that the Berlin analogy should have a third strand as the Traffic Warden, who was responsible for the streets around the Funeral Director was known locally as ‘Little Hitler.’

On pulling up outside the Funeral Directors in Lower Holyhead Road, David noticed that the street was sectioned off into parking zones, which restricted parking to 2 hours with no return allowed for a further 2 hours. As the 1950 Leyland Beaver was envisaged to be outside the Funeral Directors for over 5 hours, the staff at the Funeral Director suggested that David should park the vintage vehicle on the paved area between the shop front and the footpath. It was explained that the street was patrolled by a most enthusiastic female Traffic Warden who booked any vehicle without a ticket, including a Hearse with a coffin that was due to depart. David could envisage the problem with the Traffic Warden, however, he elected to park on the street without a ticket and declined the offer to park on the paved area, due to the lorry’s 5.5 ton weight causing potential damage.

As David was sitting in his lorry, drinking his coffee and completing a So Doku puzzle he noticed in his wing mirror a small lady with a peaked cap who literally jumped for joy when she spotted a car parked illegally. Using her phone, she proceeded to take 4 pictures of the car, one from each corner, and then repeated the procedure once a prosecution notice had been positioned beneath the wind screen wipers. Working down the street the Traffic Warden came to the 1950 Leyland Beaver, walked around it and acknowledged David’s smile. As she moved to the next vehicle, the Funeral Director’s staff were flabbergasted that the Leyland Beaver received no parking prosecution notice.

Three hours later the Traffic Warden started to inspect cars at the bottom of the street and when she came to the 1950 Leyland Beaver she said, ‘You have been here for over 4 hours with no parking ticket.’ David replied, ‘I’m not parked, I’m waiting to load a coffin for a funeral due to depart within the hour.’ The Traffic Warden asked, ‘Can’t you reverse your lorry into the yard behind the Funeral Director?’ David replied, ‘The entrance is too narrow so I have no option but to wait here.’ The staff members, in the Funeral Directors office, were all standing at their window anticipating a parking prosecution notice to be given to David, however, to everyone’s amazement the Traffic Warden gave the Leyland Beaver a free pass.

Why did this Traffic Warden, who was renowned for never passing up an opportunity to book a vehicle, turn a blind eye to the Leyland Beaver being parked without a ticket for over 5 hours? Perhaps when walking around the vehicle she realised that her small frame would make it impossible for her to reach the Windscreen. In addition the Windscreen Wipers are fixed at the top of the screen and even if she had been taller and placed her document under a wiper, then there would be little to stop it blowing away.

Perhaps she noticed that David was wearing a Black Beret and she surmised wrongly that he was from a Military background, like her, and it is known that former personnel from the Armed Forces tend to stick together.

In between the visits from the Traffic Warden, David met a young boy, Joe Williams, and his Granddad, Stu Huffer, who were out for a walk. Apparently the 5 year old had spotted the 1950 Leyland Beaver’s wing embellishments catching the sunlight and pestered his Granddad to take him to see the lorry. The Granddad asked if the little lad could see inside the cab and David gave him a guided tour demonstrating the impact of putting down any switch that the young man pointed to.

A youth crossed the road to speak with David and told him about a relative who confessed on his deathbed to killing a Japanese prisoner in WWII who had committed atrocities on British troops and had shown no remorse. It is amazing what people tell David and sometimes the open cab window is like the grill between the priest and the person on the other side in a confessional box.

The events resulted in a win, win, win, win situation. The minimalistic display exceeded a Family’s expectations, 5 year old Joe had his day made, a youth got the world off his shoulders and a Traffic Warden showed compassion apparently for the first time.

http://www.vintagelorryfunerals.co.uk

Tradesmen and their tools – another adventure in the life of the vintage lorry hearse

7 July 2014
Charles
2 Comments
Categories: Hearses

Posted by David Hall

Whilst initially many people using Vintage Lorry Funerals were former Lorry Drivers, the recent business expansion has involved individuals from across the whole spectrum of employment and social backgrounds. In fact Lorry Drivers only account for 40% of the current profile, which includes Tradesmen and their Tools.

A modern day Joiner, or Chippie using the current vernacular, uses cheap saws that are often thrown away each night on Building Sites. However, in the 1950s a Craftsman took great care of his Tools which were lovingly cleaned at the end of each day. David Hall, who owns Vintage Lorry Funerals, uses his Great Uncle Bob’s saw from the 1950’s when he is preparing timber for the support structure which holds the flowers in a display. As David works he thinks back to his youth helping his Grandfather’s Brother on woodwork projects and remembers the stories his Uncle Bob would tell about his time in the Pit and World War I. Bob Wallace survived the Battle of the Somme but was put on a charge for an act of human kindness, giving a starving German prisoner a piece of his bread.

The picture above is of a Mechanic’s Funeral in Aldershot where David provided the giant spanners, oil cans and car jacks. The Leyland Beaver pulled out of Bradford-on-Avon at 0445 hours with the strategy of getting past Basingstoke before the traffic builds from 0715 hours being clearly established from previous funerals. David was through Basingstoke by 0700 hours and he parked in a lay-bye on the A30, assembling the spanners in their allocated positions as cars thundered by in the rush hour. The Leyland Beaver arrived early at Fleet, with David telling the Funeral Director, ‘You are better off looking at me, than looking for me!’ As the flowers were loaded quicker than expected, David asked the Funeral Director if someone could run him to the other side of the town where David’s Auntie lived. David had communicated each Christmas with his Dad’s Sister-in-Law but hadn’t seen her for over 40 years. She was very pleased to see him and her Daughter made a cup of tea, however, both ladies were very concerned when a black funeral car stopped outside the house. They were relieved when David explained it was his taxi. The funeral went very well apart from a delay at the Deceased’s house which was caused by the Widow making a detailed inspection of every aspect of the Mechanic’s Theme. The Widow also thanked David for providing the Ivy which supplemented the flowers and was her husband’s favourite plant. Pictures that David supplied of the funeral were placed inside a Memory Box by the Widow along with other items, which will mean a lot to their Grandchildren.

So when a Craftsman’s Family chooses the 1950 Leyland Beaver for his final journey then, where applicable, David can offer to supply tools lent by members of his Support Team, to supplement the flowers. This concept provides a memorable Tribute and also takes up the space created from reduced flower volumes in these difficult economic times.

Examples of Tradesmen and their Tools include:-

BRICKLAYER: trowels, spirit level, line

PLUMBER: blow lamp, copper pipe, water pipe

MECHANIC: spanners, jacks, oil cans

CARPENTER: block planes, saws, clamps

GARDENER: wheel barrow, spade, rake, fork

1930’s FARM HAND: gripe, slasher, sickle

GRASS CUTTER: A Lawn Mower kindly provided by Norton Garden Machinery.

The list continues to grow, and David awaits his next challenge.

http://www.vintagelorryfunerals.co.uk

A Concerned Priest in South London

2 June 2014
Charles
3 Comments
Categories: Hearses

On a hot June Sunday morning, David Hall, of Vintage Lorry Funerals, set out at 0600 hours in his 1950 Leyland Beaver for a Monday morning funeral in Walworth, South London.

When David was a lad in the 1960’s, Sunday was a sacred day and there would be very little traffic on the road during the morning. His Dad used to say that the only people out and about on a Sunday morning were Fishermen and Catholics. Leaving Bradford-on-Avon the traffic was initially light, however, as the vintage lorry trundled along the A342 at Devizes a number of vehicles overtook. A car pulling a very long trailer eased past and the two men inside were going gliding from Thruxton perhaps. A Mini Bus, full of young ladies, all with their head-phones on, overtook and these women were probably off to play an away game in the Wiltshire Football League. Coming the other way was a van pulling a Stock Car on a trailer, two men obviously heading for a smashing time. In the 1960’s Sunday was a day of rest, now it’s a day of activity.

The most dangerous time to drive on a Sunday morning is between 1015 and 1045 hours when cars with a chrome fish on their boot lids fly past, ignoring the double white line that should not be crossed. These are Church goers, taking ridiculous risks to get to church on time. David believes that on some occasions it is not the Church Service in 15 minutes that should be their prime concern, but a likely one in 8 or 9 days time.

The Leyland Beaver arrived in Dulwich at 1500 hours and one of the Funeral Director’s staff came in to open the gates of their yard. As David reversed in, one of the occupants in the flats above the shops descended the staircase into the yard and admired the pristine vehicle. The man told David that his lorry would be safe in the yard overnight. The man wasn’t wrong as the yard was secure, too secure, nobody could get into the yard, but in the morning the Leyland Beaver couldn’t get out. Some clown had abandoned a battered old car on the double yellow lines right on the corner which prevented the lorry turning out of the yard. There was no time to call the Police and have the car removed, this was a funeral and only one cause of action was possible. The vintage lorry inched around the corner touching the car, causing little damage to the car beyond that already present and even less to the wing of the 64 year old vehicle, but the scratch on the red paint was there for all to see.

As the flowers were being loaded at the house, David created a display with a high level of flexibility, to enable rapid loading in this busy London street. Rather than fixing the Floral Tributes to boards which would have made them appear to be floating in mid air, the Floral Tributes were secured within Flower Trays. These were inclined so the tributes could be seen and as the sun shone on the wire base of the Flower Trays, the Floral Tributes appeared to look like chocolates in the top layer of the box. David remarked to the Deceased’s Son, that life was like a box of chocolates, you never know what flavour is next out of the box, recalling the situation he encountered in which his pride and joy was damaged earlier that day.

It was extremely hot by noon and David, wearing his black boiler-suit and beret, was perspiring profusely as he offloaded the Floral Tributes in the Cemetery. The Catholic Priest walked 100 yards to speak to David saying in a thick Irish brogue, ‘Promise me two things. Promise me that you will drink some water before you leave. Promise me that you will stop half-way and drink some more water.’ David was embarrassed that someone was concerned for his well being and he tried to diffuse the situation with some humour. David asked the Priest, ‘Father, can I have some of your Holy Water?’ The Priest replied with a smile, ‘The water you need is from the tap near the Cemetery Gates.’

http://www.vintagelorryfunerals.co.uk/

Many Flowers in Carshalton (part 2)

5 May 2014
Charles
3 Comments
Categories: Hearses

Another day in the life of the Vintage Lorry Hearse.

Often David Hall, of Vintage Lorry Funerals, is asked what happens if it rains during a funeral. Although under the deck of the 1950 Leyland Beaver there is a slide out drawer with a purpose built translucent sheet, this has been used only once in 200 funerals, and this was only because the final wish from a former Lorry Driver was that his coffin should be sheeted like a load!

Whilst it can rain during the time that the flowers are being loaded, normally, apart from one exception in 13 years, the rain stops when the coffin is presented to the side roller. During inclement weather, when the flower display is being assembled, a tarpaulin is used to protect the area of the deck where the coffin will be positioned just before the cortege departs. This facility was used during a rainy morning in Carshalton whilst the flower display was being built for Bobby Dudley. The interesting things that happened whilst the front section of the display was being built, was featured in last month’s article and in this article the amazing events which occurred just before the coffin was loaded are described.

Eight Family Floral Tributes, that were planned, were supplemented by 58 tributes from friends and more distant related Family members, making 66 in total. Every Tribute was a substantial Spray, Wreath or Tablet, such as a ‘Heart’ and there were no small Bouquets from High Street Retailers. David loaded 65 Floral Tributes on the deck but couldn’t find the appropriate space for a giant ‘Basket of Flowers’, which was then hung on the Drawbar A-Frame, in front of the Radiator Grill. In the creation of such a large scale flower display members of the public gaze in wonderment and some offer assistance. When David was climbing up the ladder to get onto the deck, with a huge Floral Tribute in his right hand and a cup of tea, kindly made by George Hards, in his left hand, an onlooker stepped forward and took the cup out of David’s hand. This kind person continued to hold it, giving David the occasional sip of tea as he passed by with two Tributes in his hands.

Just before the coffin was due to be loaded, David folded over both edges of the tarpaulin which had protected the deck, creating something that looked like a sodden roll of carpet, with a huge volume of water trapped inside. David needed some assistance to transfer the tarpaulin onto the ground and he asked for a volunteer from the group of school boys standing at the Bus Stop. One young man stepped forward and grabbed the end of the tarpaulin, but didn’t follow David’s instructions about standing back as David raised his end of the tarpaulin. Unfortunately a torrent of water gushed out from the end of the tarpaulin at the lower level, and the young man, who wasn’t wearing any weather protection, was soaked. The young man swore profusely using many expletives, thinking that he had been tricked and that David had made a fool out of him. His mood wasn’t helped by his friends all falling about with laughter. If this hadn’t been a funeral, then the scene would have been reminiscent of the 1971 Morecombe & Wise Christmas Show Spectacular, ‘Singing in the Rain’ in which Ernie Wise, with the umbrella, saw no rain and Eric Morecombe, dressed as a Policeman, saw plenty.

Whilst the group of boys were laughing, David noticed a mean looking youth, who was taller than the rest, pushing his way to the front of the crowd. David guessed that this individual was the leader of the gang and he was going to remonstrate with David for disrespecting one of his crew. The youth approached David, and in a softly spoken voice asked, ‘May I be of some assistance?’ David explained the potential hazardous nature of the exercise, and the youth, pointing to his leggings and said, ‘I’m prepared for the task’. As the tarpaulin was sliding over the side rave the youth noticed the two seams in the canvass and asked if the tarpaulin folded into three, two ends into the middle. David nodded and the youth immediately folded his end perfectly in place before guiding David’s end on top of it, such that a well shaped bundle resulted. As David climbed down from the deck, the youth asked, ‘Does the tarp now go into that space left underneath the rear flower display?’ David nodded and with the youth’s help the heavy tarpaulin was positioned perfectly in the hole at the first attempt. David put his hand in his pocket and took out some money to reward the youth. The youth folded his arms and said, ‘I don’t want no money, this world would be a better place if we could all help each other more.’

In the cemetery David off-loaded the 65 Floral Tributes from the deck, but forgot about the ‘Basket of Flowers’ that were still on the A-Frame. However, he was stopped at the cemetery gates and he returned to the graveside.

http://www.vintagelorryfunerals.co.uk

Many Flowers in Carshalton (part 1)

1 April 2014
Charles
2 Comments
Categories: Hearses

David Hall, of Vintage Lorry Funerals, always speaks to the Florist who is creating the Family’s Floral Tributes at the earliest opportunity after his lorry has been booked for a funeral. David designs a layout that will feature the Family’s Tributes prominently, he makes a sketch of his ideas and emails it to the Family for approval. A salient feature in every layout is the facility to accommodate extra flowers which turn up at the Family home. Up to three Flower Trays can be pulled out from beneath the front display, filled with flowers and then positioned around the coffin, and this additional ‘pop up’ facility is ideal for funerals in the current economic downturn, however, a requirement beyond the three trays unexpectedly hit David during a funeral in Carshalton on November 19th 2007.

When David had the layout for the Late Bobby Dudley signed off by his Family, his Daughter-in-Law, Sharon, warned that there would be stacks of flowers. However, having heard this many times before, David assumed that the 8 Family Floral Tributes would become 12 or 14 based on the pattern of funerals at the time. When David parked the Leyland Beaver outside Gillman Funerals he was oblivious to what he was about to encounter.

On going through the door all that David could see was flowers. There were flowers on desks, on chairs, and on the floor with large scale Tributes so tightly packed the carpet could not be seen. It was as if a tsunami had swamped Carshalton and washed up flowers into Gillman’s shop. George Hards, Funeral Arranger, was diligently attempting to document each Tribute, identifying who had sent it, trying to segregate those he had documented whilst more and more were being delivered. When confronted with such a situation where many flowers must be loaded, the one element that can’t be changed is the time available. The only way forward is to adopt a strategy of loading the Family Floral Tributes first and using a tactic of acting like a machine, to be totally focused on the current and next tasks and not to be distracted by anything or anybody.

However, building such a large display of flowers always attracts the attention of members of the public who often ask questions. Although David is always civil and speaks to people despite the pressure, he often wishes he could hold up cards, like Bob Dylan did in the Subterranean Homesick Blues video, displaying information such as, ‘1950’, ‘No Powered Steering’, ‘No Heater’. Some people on seeing such a large volume of flowers think back to Princess Diana’s funeral. As David was climbing up his ladder with another two tributes in his hands, he felt two sharp prods in his back and he turned around to see a small elderly lady in a fur coat and hat, accompanied by a well attired gentleman. The lady with a cut glass accent enquired, ‘I say, for which famous person is this wonderful display being created?’ David replied, ‘Bobby Dudley’. The lady looked inquisitively at her husband and said, ’I’m afraid we don’t know Bobby Dudley.’ David said, ‘Bobby Dudley the Carshalton Coalman.’ The lady began to twist her face, as if she had tasted lemon juice thinking it was going to be orange juice and exclaimed, ‘Surely not for a Coalman.’ David put his arm around her and whispered in her ear, ‘You don’t need to be famous to be treated like royalty.’

David went back into Gillmans to get another two Tributes and just as he was about to

climb the ladder he felt two prods in his back. He turned around and the lady in the fur coat asked, ‘Does one have such a thing as a business card with one’s contact details?’

The interest people showed in the rear display will be detailed next month.

http://www.vintagelorryfunerals.co.uk