Humour

“When they told me they were going to induct my friend George Harrison into the Hollywood Bowl Hall of Fame posthumously, my first thought was – I bet he won’t show up.”

From Eric Idle’s eulogy to George Harrison

An elderly man lay dying in his bed.

While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon…

‘Fuck off’ she said, ‘they’re for the funeral.’

A golden oldie requested by JS.

Posted by Vale

The Urban Dictionary (strapline: The Dictionary you wrote) is great place for the gross, the ghastly and the newly minted.

It’s for people who speak ‘urban’ and the definitions reflect their preferences and predilections. For example there is no definition of the word morning because:

the type of people who speak ‘urban’ do not know what morning is.

“Now that I’ve got a job I’ve got to get up in THE MORNING.”
“Morning? What the hell’s that?”

Dead is defined very simply:

1. dead
 Britney Spear’s career – Wow britney spears sucks Dead images: These dudes are dead.

2. dead
 Something that is no longer living and can now be kicked – Yep it’s dead! *Kicks it*

And did you know the Grim Reaper was also a cocktail? Me neither:

5. Grim Reaper
The Grim Reaper is a cocktail made with equal parts vodka, gin, tequila and cask wine. The mix is traditionally made with Mishka, Gordon’s, 125 and Fruity Lexia respectively. The ingredients are known as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

The spirits are meant to be the cheapest possible in order to replicate the authenticity of the Grim Reaper. Variations upon this formula include the Fancy Reaper (expensive spirits and wine), the Bloody Reaper (substitute white goon with red) and the Grim Suicide (3 full bottles in a cask of wine).

The side effects are not well documented, with reports of dizziness, memory loss, feelings of grimness, random acts of extreme violence, unwitting transportation across state borders, death, irate messages and grand larceny.

It is believed that these ingredients are the basis for the drug PCP, weed killer and embalming fluid.

The controversy associated with the Grim is the inability to refuse once the beverage is suggested. Despite the danger, this can lead to a Double Grim and in rare cases a Triple Grim: some claim that Sid Vicious did 7 Grim Reapers before his death, however the evidence is unsubstantiated.

They should certainly be serving Grim Reapers in the bar at this years National Funeral Exhibition at Stoneleigh in June, don’t you think?

Upset by the sale of Thiago Silva and Zlatan Ibrahimovic to PSG, a group of AC Milan supporters expressed the widely held disappointment of their fellow football fans by leaving a small funeral arrangement outside the club’s via Turati offices. A funeral card, candles and flowers were set up near the building’s front door in the scene made to symbolize the faith some fans have left in the club after selling two of their best players.