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I recently had a row with Eulogy magazine. They were slow to pay me for an article I wrote for them. It’s never a good idea to smash up a contact. I had no beef with the editor, Alfred Tong, who seemed nice, bright and funny. It was the accounts dept where my rancour lay. I considered all that and went ahead anyway. I was cross.

It looks as though I might have caught them at a very bad time. Alfred Tong has issued a extraordinary press release announcing nothing less than a relaunch of Eulogy after what appears to have been period of teeth-gnashing, uproarious lunacy and the departure of some of the original partners. It must have put years on him. Here’s what he says:

“Thankfully, the people we started off with are no longer involved. Their departure has given the remaining members of the editorial and publishing team some time to reflect on where we went wrong and the changes we needed to make.”

He is aware of terrible mistakes: “just before the July 2010 launch came the declaration in the advertising trade’s weekly newspaper, Campaign, that Eulogy would be, ‘the world’s first grief brand.’  Since when did an emotion become a brand?”

Read his remarkable, wither-wringing account of what went on here: The Life and Near Death of a Magazine

Alfred’s vision for the relaunched magazine could make it a formidable player. I hope that will happen and I wish him and his team every good fortune. The vision for the magazine is this:

1. Eulogymagazine.co.uk will be a forum for charities, support networks, and organisations that do the valuable work of helping people cope with bereavement and those facing death through terminal illness.  Eulogymagazine.co.uk will assist these organisations in their fundraising and promotional drives.

2. Eulogymagazine.co.uk will be a place where the extraordinary nature of ordinary people’s lives can be celebrated. To that end there will be a significant amount of space for reader-submitted eulogies, stories, podcasts and videos.

3. Eulogymagazine.co.uk will offer advice for readers, as well as a range of other blog, comment and multimedia content designed to be thought-provoking, comforting, and helpful. It will also host content, which promises a much-needed laugh, when you need it most.

Presently, more than 50 per cent of people who die in an NHS hospital do not receive last offices.

How did it come to pass that hospitals stopped performing last offices for dead patients? How was it that a ritual as old as time was so coldly abandoned? How did it come to be acceptable that funeral directors should collect corpses bagged with lines attached swimming in their own urine?

Good medics and nurses care like crazy for their patients. Good funeral directors care far, far more than people know for their dead. And in between, this hiatus where the body occupies the status of, I don’t know, so much disappointing carcase.

I’m not writing surefootedly here because I have never collected a body from a mortuary. FDs who read this blog will, I hope, feel inspired to give us informed information.

Having said which, the future is bright. At the instruction of the National End of Life Care Programme, all people who die in NHS hospitals will in the future have to be given last offices, and nurses will have to be trained to do it. Except it won’t be called last offices, it will now be called care after death because apparently last offices sounds too military.

People with ‘religious or cultural or requirements’ will be invited to participate. I really can see no reason at all why all people should not be invited to participate. They can always say no thanks.

I can see FDs nodding in approval of the pillow. Read more in the Nursing Times here. Read a nurse’s experience of last offices here.

Celebrants gain all the important insights into funeral directors which are denied to clients. We get to find out what they’re really like, why they do it and whether they really care.

So here’s a tip for all funeral consumers. When your celebrant has been to see you, and you’ve had that nice long chat (tears and laughter, laughter and tears) and planned the funeral ceremony, as you stand on the doorstep, ask: “Are you off to see the undertaker now?”

If the answer’s yes, you picked a good un. (Chances are higher that it’ll be a no.)

As a celebrant you finish your chat with a family with a full, possibly bursting, heart and a need to unpack it. Your partner may not necessarily be the person who’ll welcome the spilled contents. The natural person to splurge to is the person who has already got to know and feel for the family – the undertaker or (dire job title) arranger.

But most aren’t the slightest bit interested in what you have to share. They got what they needed to know in the arrangement meeting; the rest is logistics. And that’s why, as Rupert tartly pointed out a little while ago, they deliberately miss funerals. Simply not interested. In people.

I’m lucky that the client I am working for at the moment has a brilliant funeral director. I leave my client’s house (heart bursting, etc) and drive straight to Judi where we talk, exchange insights and, collaboratively, strive to create a great funeral. We learn from each other and feel good about what we do.

John Hall’s daughter Aimee recently ‘did an arrangement’ with a family. Aimee’s arrangements always last as long as they need – a whole morning is not unusual. They talk about anything and everything and, almost incidentally, Aimee logs what she needs to know. On this occasion she jotted down the very incidental if not totally irrelevant fact that the favourite colour of the woman who had died was green. But it enabled John to kit his crew out in green ties for the big day. The family, having completely forgotten that they had given away this ‘secret’, were astounded and, of course, overjoyed.

Down at Exeter and District Funeral Services, David Albery gathered that a person who had died loved cows. David, too, loves cows; he’s been milking them since the age of 8. So he brought down his collection of ceramic cows and arranged them in his chapel of rest for the viewing. The family was enchanted – and amazed, of course.

Little touches – such a difference. A good funeral director’s most satisfying moments.

Given that a funeral director can learn so much and do their job so much better by giving clients time and sharing thoughts and information with celebrants, it is extraordinary that more don’t do it. Delighted families are free and voluble advertisers. They make you money.

Yesterday afternoon, over a cup of tea, I conducted a survey of 100,000 people nationwide*. I asked what, for them, is the most important attribute of a funeral director. Here’s the result:

Great body prep: 1 (ex-funeral director)
Lovely premises: 3
Smart Victorianalike attire: 4
Fab fleet: 8
Really, really nice person: 99, 984

The only part of a funeral director’s work that calls for exceptional cleverness is exploring the wants and needs of clients – the human interaction, the empathy thing. And yet this is one task that most, if they’re big enough, pass off, often to partially trained part-timers – with an instruction that it shouldn’t take more than 30 minutes.

Why on earth would you want to downgrade and delegate that part of your work which is of the greatest mutual value?

*Of course I didn’t. What difference would it have made?

From The Co-operative booklet (2011) My Legacy.  Ethical Strategy:

Throughout the 20th century, people in the UK were limited to the choice of either burial or cremation when dealing with a loved one’s remains. Now, in the early part of the 21st century, The Co-operative Funeralcare is putting significant resources behind the development of Resomation.® This new alternative uses an alkaline hydrolysis process and, like cremation, leaves behind a quantity of ash.

Resomation® has a number of environmental benefits including a reduction in the amount of energy needed in comparison to cremation, and a carbon footprint which is 35% less than cremation. The Co-operative Funeralcare is working towards having the process legally recognised throughout the UK.

Find out what you don’t know about Resomation here.

The, so far as I know, unpublished fact about Funeralcare’s interest in Resomation is that it owns 65 per cent of the company. My apologies to Funeralcare if this is confidential information.

In the light of this, we may speculate that Funeralcare regards alkaline hydrolysis as the technology which will depose cremation, confound its competitors and make its fortune.

What do you think of that?

Can Twitter handle theology? No problem. This discussion took place idly over three days.

GoodFunerals Charles Cowling
“Our minister said God needed another angel in heaven, so he took my husband. But I needed my husband too. ” http://bit.ly/ggWU9Z

mylastsong My Last Song
@goodfunerals Heaven must be overcrowded with angels. It’s probably a very big place. Are pets allowed? Only good ones I guess. Who judges?

GoodFunerals Charles Cowling
@mylastsong Too many angels in Heaven? Should be declared a no-fly zone?

mylastsong My Last Song
@goodfunerals When not flying, they perch on a cloud, playing small harps. Could account for the cloudy weather. Are there pets in heaven?

GoodFunerals Charles Cowling
@mylastsong Of COURSE there are pets in heaven, MLS. Everyone knows that. All my dogs are waiting for me there.

mylastsong My Last Song
@goodfunerals Good. I was particularly fond of pet rat when a child. Hope he’s there too tho’ till now didn’t expect rodents in heaven.

GoodFunerals Charles Cowling
@mylastsong “In my Father’s house there are many mansions.” There’s a rat mansion for sure. Death offers so much to look forward to.

mylastsong My Last Song
@goodfunerals Unless you’re the person who cleans the rat mansion. Bum deal, get to heaven to be told you’re in charge of the rat mansion.

GoodFunerals Charles Cowling
@mylastsong Celestial rats self-cleaning, mansion tickety-boo, call as you please.

mylastsong My Last Song
@goodfunerals Not sure I believe buy generic cialis professional this now Charles. I’d hoped heaven was a sort of better earth, me and ratty reunited if G in a good mood.

GoodFunerals Charles Cowling
@mylastsong Awfully sorry, old sport, but Big G wedded to many mansions policy – separate development. Obdurate in these enlightened times.

mylastsong My Last Song
@goodfunerals Possibly the other place more fun. Lots of mixing together in all that heat more appealing than stuck in mansion with worthies

GoodFunerals Charles Cowling
@mylastsong Ratty will be trapped in the Empyrean hymning the Supreme Being, forever parted. IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT?

mylastsong My Last Song
@goodfunerals I put him in a cage, overfed him, teased him, ignored him most of the time. I JUST WANT HIM TO BE HAPPY NOW and await my fate.

GoodFunerals Charles Cowling
@mylastsong Man proposes, God disposes. Ratty sleeps sound in the arms of the Lord. The Last Trump will decide if you are a sheep or a goat.

mylastsong My Last Song
@goodfunerals So my fate to be a sheep or a goat sharing the Lord’s embrace with lots of sleeping rats. If this heaven, what’s hell?

mylastsong My Last Song
@goodfunerals Ratty has best deal. When awake lives in self cleaning mansion, then into arms of Lord to sleep. I’m a sheep or goat. Fairenuf

GoodFunerals Charles Cowling
@mylastsong Amen. In unsure and uncertain hope.

mylastsong My Last Song
@goodfunerals Amen.

The last ten days or so in tweets. I only tweet good stuff, remember — all the best death stories from around the world. These are all worth checking out.

DIY suicide causes horrible death, claims EXIT. Time to legalise? http://bit.ly/ffDoI1

Online site in memo of Stephen Ross – http://bit.ly/hxUArO Contains this irresistible invite: Click here to contact Steven Ross.

“Maybe my ride’s over. It’s surreal, but it’s nothing to be sad about. Be happy.” Brave woman dying – http://bit.ly/hmArkI

Nice funeral for a nice guy – http://bit.ly/hO1zzJ My top funeral band? Gotta be Green Street – http://youtu.be/Z7J5Q5PZS8o

Funeral of a friend – of an Anglican priest. I do like this man –http://bit.ly/h8zY0c

Obituarist reviews death play – “It’s not a happy show, but it’s fun.” Interesting thoughts here – http://nyti.ms/dEsqcx

Dead Swede does a runner – http://bit.ly/ialeGV

Japan cemetery loyalty card + tomb of the year award to spur competitive mourning – http://tinyurl.com/48ps5we

Green funerals in the US going the way of the quick buck — as in the UK, sadly – http://bit.ly/hBV9LL

“We said we’d give it six months and it lasted 40 years.” Husband’s funeral tribute. Lovely one, this – http://bit.ly/fwABwj

Elvis Presley dies of pneumonia in Yorkshire care home –http://bit.ly/eYD008

Interesting article from The Guardian on death and the scenery of lifehttp://gu.com/p/2nhc3/tw

Transhumanists seek immortality through bio-engineering. Fools or realists? http://bit.ly/WsBUY

Mummified Ming woman discovered in China. Very good pics –http://bit.ly/eUBQAL

Man kills himself for love at girlfriend’s grave – http://bit.ly/fMLu4F

Shallow grave cake here: http://bit.ly/i7nJAm

Just bought my ticket to this natural burial event at Arnos Vale. Anyone else going? http://bit.ly/hiDvOP

Prisoner on death row wants to donate his organs –http://nyti.ms/f4vx2O

‘Ain’t no grave can hold my body down’ – Johnny Cash. Just discovered it – http://youtu.be/m3MkUMzBAUg

A difficult but in the end beautiful funeral in a nursing home –http://bit.ly/esz8yy

“With a flood tide on a new moon, March 4th, 2011, John pulled up anchor to set sail for new horizons”

“I haven’t heard anyone say ‘I’m sorry we had a home funeral'” –http://youtu.be/ccN5pKaJa3U

Man wins permission to be buried with his dogs. Heartwarming –http://bit.ly/fCbkDt

Dignity plc, gluttonous undertaker, banks £39.8 million profit. Lucky shareholders; unlucky consumers – http://bit.ly/eKo3zV

Magazine calls on readership to write their own obit and get it in “in good time” You’ll love this! – http://bbc.in/htAi3M

“It felt as if the house had been cleaned out after the funeral, as though the place had been burgled.” Great story – http://bit.ly/ejx66K

The Southern (US) way of death. delightful. http://bit.ly/geR55w

This blog is taking a break. It needs good sea air, best bitter beer, fresh seafood, long walks and things other than death to think about. It needs regenerating.

Do come back. Posting shortly will be Kathryn Edwards on Malidoma Some and the role and importance of ritual in funerals. Kathryn has journeyed to Burkina Faso , Dr Some’s home country,  to study with him.

Also posting soon will be Simon Smith and Jane Morrell of green fuse. They have recently got back from California, where they met leading lights in the US home funeral movement. Can, will, home funerals ever take off in the UK?

See you in a week’s time!

I don’t know if it’s the anarch in me or the libertarian, but I am inclined to be very relaxed about the absence of any regulatory structure for funeral directors. Almost everything you can think of is governed by regs designed to reassure and protect consumers. An unregulated funeral industry looks anomalous. Catteries are regulated. You’d think that the funeral industry was imminently and urgently next. But Government isn’t interested, there’s little call for it, so the trade/profession (such a snobbish distinction) jogs along, open to all regardless of (dis)qualification. It remains the case that the rules governing the disposal of dead humans are not nearly as stringent as those governing the disposal of dead farm animals.

And this means that next of kin remain the default disposers of their dead. They are in charge, they sign the legal forms, and the funeral director they appoint is their agent. This is an attractively ancient right: the dead belong to their own.

My mind was swayed a little when I read a just-published report by the Irish National Council of the Forum on End of Life. Over in Ireland the funeral industry is as unregulated as ours. The Forum reckons there are major problems as a result of this, and a lot of ‘sub-standard funeral care’. Interestingly, of Ireland’s 600 funeral directors, fewer than 100 are full timers. In the UK, in rural areas, there are those who combine funeral directing with something else, building, usually, but only a handful, nowadays.

The Forum uncovered abuses with which we are familiar over here, but there’s probably a difference in degree. They report ‘extreme variation’ in the provision of services, together with neglect and misconduct on the part of FDs and mortuary staff. Embalming is often carried out by untrained personnel.

The Forum takes issue with the lack of price transparency, detailing instances of ambiguous or inappropriate invoices. It also reports anecdotal evidence of bungs to hospital and hospice staff.

Nothing we don’t have here, then. And we note that when Richard Sage was trading recently in Burnley there wasn’t a thing anyone could do to stop him. All the NAFD could do was warn its members to steer clear of him – and it did that, citing evidence from this blog. But no message got out to consumers. I urged the Burnley Express to run an expose but it balked.

If our own funeral industry is not so bad that it cries out for urgent regulation, wouldn’t it be a good idea anyway if regulation can expunge low-level malpractice?

Over in the US the industry is regulated. Funeral directors have to do two years at mortuary school and earn a licence to practise. It’s absurd. There’s not two years’ worth of learning to be done – unless you introduce embalming as a course component. Which is why US funeral directors embalm. It’s the only thing they do that consumers can’t.

Professionalisation flatters the status of funeral directors, and it shows in their fees. A US funeral is vastly more expensive than one of ours. There are contributory cultural factors at play here, too, let’s not forget: for immigrant communities an opulent funeral proclaims, “I came, I worked, I made it.” All the same, the gap is great.

Another upshot of US regulation is that those wishing to care for their dead at home can find themselves enmeshed in red tape, compelled to defer to a funeral director.

Just this week, the excellent Josh Slocum, Executive Director of the consumer advocacy body the Funeral Consumers Alliance, wrote this to me: “I love the fact that there’s no such thing as licensure for undertakers over there – no opportunity to puff one’s self up as a Capital P Professional. The licensure requirements in the US have made a complete mockery of the idea of consumer protection.”

That’ll do for me.

Josh goes on to propose: “But what about the idea of a parallel in Britain to our Federal Trade Commission’s Funeral Rule? Not a licensing scheme, but a consumer bill of rights. I should think that would be beneficial just the same, even though you all don’t have as much of a nightmare dealing with undertakers as we do.”

It’s an interesting proposition. Views?

Read about the report by the Irish Forum on End of Life here.

Read to find out about the FTC Funeral Rule (brought in to protect consumers from licensed and regulated funeral directors) here.

Dear Charles,

Please accept my sincere apologies for the late payment of your invoice.

Eulogy has recently undergone a major restructuring after the departures of our features editor and three non-productive directors. I became a director after their departures and have looked to sort out the mess they left me with. In addition, a close colleague has recently passed away after a long and painful illness.

Whilst it is still unacceptable to process your invoice so late, these are the reasons why your invoice was unfortunately overlooked. It was in no way deliberate or malicious, and it is certainly not Eulogy’s policy to delay payment to contributing writers.

I’d like to thank you again for your support of Eulogy and also for your excellent article. Of course, we would welcome future comments and ideas you and your readers might have.

A cheque in payment of your invoice is in the post. I trust that this is a satisfactory resolution and that you will make notifications through your social media to this effect.

Yours sincerely,

Peter Ryan

I don’t want this blog to get moany and bitter. Had I a good news story to break today I would most certainly do so. To be honest, not much has happened for a few days — and it’s all too easy for me to become lazily reactive. And a bit moany, I’m afraid.

A number of readers have asked me, over several months now, what the story is about Eulogy magazine — has it gone down? I had reached the conclusion that it had indeed sunk until they suddenly popped up on Twitter earlier today drawing attention to a just-published article.

So I have written to them, and I shall tell you what happens next. This is my ‘letter before claim’ which I am bound to send them before I start an action against them in the Small Claims Court. Am I the first writer to have to resort to such tactics? I don’t think I am.

Eulogy Magazine
Unit A&D
Flat Iron Yard
Ayres Street
London SE1 1ES

10-02-2010

Dear Alfred Tong,

Re: unpaid fee for article: How to Have a Good Funeral

As it has not been possible to resolve this matter amicably and it is apparent that court action may be necessary, I write in compliance with the Practice Direction on Pre-Action Conduct.

On 28-06-2010 you commissioned me by email to write 1000 words about how to have a good funeral. You agreed to pay me £250 if the piece were published. I submitted my copy before the deadline and you subsequently published the piece online under the title How to Have a Good Funeral, with my name spelt incorrectly as Cowley.

On 17-12-2010 I sent you an invoice, reminded you that I had sent it on 10-01-2011, at which stage you referred me to messrs Ryan and Lewis. I sent an invoice to Lewis on 10-01-2011 and to both Ryan and Lewis on 29-01-2011. I have heard nothing.

I am therefore claiming my fee of £250 from Eulogy magazine.

The documents I shall rely on in my claim against Eulogy magazine are the emails we exchanged concerning your commissioning of the article and your subsequent responses to receipt of my invoice. I can make these available to you if you wish.

I can confirm that I would be agreeable to mediation and would consider any other system of Alternative Dispute Resolution in order to avoid the need for this matter to be resolved by the courts and would invite you to put forward any proposals in this regard.

In closing, I would draw your attention to section II (4) of the Practice Direction which gives the courts the power to impose sanctions on the parties if they fail to comply with the direction including failing to respond to this letter before claim. I look forward to hearing from you within the next 28 days. Should I not receive a response to my letter within this time, court action will be commenced with no further reference to you.

Yours sincerely,

Charles Cowling