“You have landed on the latest, most innovative, honorable, and dignified way to “release” and scatter ashes, reverently up and away into the air, like a cloud forever and ever. An ash scattering event that is unforgettable, heartwarming and memorable.
Several years of design and engineering were invested to create an automated cremation urn, The Angel Aire Urn. This unique cremation urn completely “releases” and scatters all of the ashes, all with one simple pull of a knob. The cremated ashes ascend up and away into the atmosphere completely dissipating over a few moments.
The Angel Aire Urn is honorable and dignified because the cremated remains / ashes are first loaded by your preferred Funeral Home Director or Angel Aire Urn Representative. Once at your desired ash scattering / release site, with the “pull” of the release knob, the ashes are cleanly scattered from the cremation urn, released upwards and like a cloud away from you and your attendees.“
Angel Aire website here.
Hat-tip to Sarah Murray, author of just-published Making an Exit.
I’m in tears.
Still, I can’t sit here laughing all morning, I’ve got work to do.
Er…what about the gritty bigger bits that often take people by surprise? It’s not like fag ash, you know…
He writes that it’s reverent because you don’t have to do anything yourself except pull a little lever, it comes pre-loaded by the FD…??? Aha. Another reverent item for the FD’s bill.
He’s right in one thing – scattering ashes is a bit more of a business than people sometimes realise.
Tell you what – there’s a Gloria* going for the most superfluous, unneccessary and fatuous way of adding items to an FD’s bill that you can either find, or imagine. This one will take some beating, mind – Dr Lacey would’ve been proud of it, only he’d have made it whirr and buzz a bit first.
*awarded by a committee of one, small donation goes thereafter to a charity of your choice. (Of course I actually send it, trust me, I’m a celebrant…)
It reminds me of the smoke machines they use in nightclubs..
“There’s money to make out of ash”,
Thought the fellow who dreamed up this trash:
“now families, mourning,
may have more adorning
their bill that shows their love’s more flash.”
There’s a Freudian cremains device,
which makes dead people come in a trice:
with one “pull of your knob”
it ejaculates gob
over everything normal and nice.
Thank you for this moving elegiac poetry, Jonathan.
I wanna win that Gloria!
Here goes with hints for FD revenue-generation:
Hire of a traditional copper kettle to place on the Angel Aire Release Urn to enhance the sense of domestic ease and comfort while your loved one’s etc etc
Creation, engraving and ongoing management of a metal name-plaque that can be attached to the Urn to enhance generations of families’ sense of etc etc
Bespoke design and manufacture of a frame (from our extensive brochure) for our photograph of your reverent etc etc [digital frame extra]
And, not wanting our portfolio to seem excessively focused on ashes-management, we offer individually decorated and made-to-measure coffinettes for those doves that are inadvertently squeezed to death by amateur handlers during solemn and reverent etc etc
I quite like that, thinking about it – it could reek havoc as it magnifies the effect in a way. Also I wonder what residue is left in or on the machine? Nether the less wonder what the apatite would be here in the UK?
Rich, I should have sent you the link as soon as I found it. Apols. Uptake here? I’ve a feeling that Brits are too homespun. We don’t like to make a fuss!
Kathryn, only just seen your comments, sorry for delay.
I think you”re in with a very good chance, and I’ll put it before the committee. Excuse me a moment.
Yup, they’re unanimous. Particular commendation for the “onward management” of the name plate, an excellently open-ended commitment to bnugger all that will enhance the FD income very nicely and tactfully. But tops was the individualised hand-made coffins for the inadvertently sacrificial white doves. Such taste, such imagination
Congratulations, Kathryn, from us all at Munday Mansions. Sorry we’ve no time for an acceptance speech (can’t stand the tears) so just name your charity, please.
(small print: committe retains right to propose alternative charity – e.g. FDs’ and celebrants’ early retirement fund not acceptable, sorry.)