Thoughts of a funeral-goer

Posted by Lyra Mollington

We’ve lived in East Sheen for almost ten years. It would be perfect if we weren’t living under the Heathrow flight path. Even on a Sunday they start flying over very early in the morning. When we sit out in the back garden, conversation is impossible whilst the planes are flying over.

It’s a nuisance. But I had recently started to think that the noise and pollution of aeroplanes flying overhead could be bad for our health. Mr M says I worry too much. He stores up examples of ‘reprobate friends’ (smokers and drinkers who eat too much and/or eat the wrong things and never exercise) who are hale and hearty. And it makes his day when he reads about keep-fit fanatics who drop dead on their treadmills.

Then, last Sunday morning as yet another plane flew overhead, something terrible happened. Mr M and I were eating our sugar-free muesli with skimmed milk – completely unaware of what was going on just a few streets away.

A tragedy of the most shocking proportions.

A man had dropped from the sky.

He had plummeted thousands of feet from a passenger jet and landed in the avenue where Daisy lives.

Daisy told us what she could over the phone but it was only when we read the newspaper the following day that we discovered what had probably happened. A young man from North Africa (desperate to find a better life?) had stowed away in the undercarriage of a holiday plane. He may have died from the cold and then, when preparations were made for landing, he fell from the undercarriage. More recent reports say he was from Angola and may have been in his twenties.

We haven’t complained as much this week. And Mr M is eating his muesli, and even his vegetables, without his usual harrumphing.

Richard III latest – Mail campaigns for state funeral

You couldn’t make it up. 

When the remains of the last Tsar of All the Russias, Nicholas II, and some of his family were found down a disused mineshaft outside Yekaterinburg in the 1990s, the government of Boris Yeltsin held a full state funeral in the cathedral of St Peter and St Paul in St Petersburg. I believe we should do something similar for Richard III, if these bones are his.

More here

Worcester crematorium not for sale

Worcester City Council is, laudably, not inclined to sell its crematorium to one of those predatory sharks we all know and love so well. The council needs to spend up to £2 million to upgrade it. But read on and see what the jostling sharks are prepared to buy it for. 

Moral: when you’ve done with effing up trying to run a halfway profitable funeral chain, buy crems. The GFG is meeting with venture capitalists tomorrow. Our ceo was last seen browsing a Lear jet catalogue. All aboard the gravy train!

This from the Worcester Standard: 

COUNCIL chiefs have backed proposals to retain ownership of the city’s crematorium but warned prices could increase to fund vital improvement works.

At a meeting on Tuesday (September 11), members of the city council’s cabinet supported an independent report which urged the authority to ignore a potential cash windfall from selling the Astwood Road site.

Three companies had expressed an interest in taking over the crematorium and councillors were told any sale could have raised around £6million.

Full story here

Screw says no

Many celebrants will have had the experience of welcoming a convict at a funeral, together with the prison officer to whom he/she is shackled. Do, please, share your experience in a comment.  

In Australia, belt-tightening has led to a review of the cost of this service to the banged-up bereaved: 

The Department of Corrective Services plans to save more than $500,000 by allowing prisoners to virtually attend funerals streamed on the internet instead of transporting them to the service in person.

There is opposition to this, especially in the cases of Aboriginal prisoners, for whom attendance at funerals is a cultural obligation. 

The Inspector of Custodial Services, Neil Morgan, has some interestingly critical things to say, especially about virtual attendance. There are people out there who think that virtual attendance is the future of funeralgoing. It’s possible that, before long, bereaved people will be facing pressure from their workplace to pop into a quiet room, follow it on their iPad and get back to their desk. Here’s Mr Morgan:

“There can’t be closure to a person’s death until there’s been a physical attendance. You don’t attend virtually in my view, you either attend or you don’t. Have you ever given a hug to anybody over the internet? If you skype with people it’s nice to see them but it’s actually also sometimes quite distressing and difficult; there’s no physical contact available.”

Full story here. Hat tip to Beverley Webb. 

Dove release inadvisable

Hawks have come to the rescue of mourners at a crematorium plagued by aggressive seagulls.

The birds of prey were used to scare away gulls at Eastbourne crematorium after complaints that mourners were being dive-bombed as they left the chapel.

Whole story here

Abuses of assisted dying laws

From a comment piece by Terry Pratchett in today’s Times: 

Earlier this year a commission of the great and the good was set up by myself and another gentleman of means, to look at practices in other countries where assisted dying is commonplace and to report on how it could be evolved to suit Britain.

It looked for abuses — there were none. The countries that allow assisted dying are careful democracies, just like us. It’s not a free for all. There are rules, rules everywhere. Some time ago I set out with Rob, my assistant, to track down every rumour of assisted dying abuse on the planet and I have to say that when electronically cornered, people making allegations of abuse lamely said that it was on the internet.

Why is it that opponents of change don’t want to engage with concrete evidence that answers their concerns?

Evidence of a slippery slope and relaxing of practice is not supported by the evidence from the Netherlands or from anywhere else where the law is more compassionate.

Full article here (£)

Did you?

Did you like it? 

I’d be inclined to give it 10 out of 10. 

Last night’s BBC2 programme Dead Good Job is well worth watching. If you missed it, it covers: 

a Muslim funeral company’s attempts to bury the dead as quickly as possible in accordance with Islamic tradition, a terminally ill mother of two who chooses to plan and arrange her own funeral and a high speed send off for a biker who gets his wish of a final ride in a motorcycle hearse.

Next week, we are delighted to see that they will be following Rachel Wallace, funeral photographer. We’re huge fans of Rachel here at the GFG-Batesville Tower. 

Catch it on the iPlayer here

Crookback dug up?

Posted by Richard Rawlinson

A skeleton, a skeleton, my kingdom for a skeleton! 

Might we soon discover if Richard III is the hunchbacked tyrant with a withered arm depicted in Shakespeare or if his physical disability was merely Tudor propaganda? 

The king was buried in the church of a Franciscan friary in Leicester after being slain at the Battle of Bosworth in 1485. But the dissolution of the monasteries under Henry VIII just over 50 years later has resulted in the exact burial spot being forgotten. 

Now Leicester University archeologists, having examined historical maps, have located the most likely site for the church—a car park of the social services office in the centre of Leicester.

 More here. And more unfolding in the news daily.

Ed’s note: Apologies to Richard the R for the lateness of this. We are way off the pace in all areas just now.

Big Ted

Posted by Vale

Seemed fitting to end a day of animals with a tribute to that intelligent and sensitive creature the pig. RIP Big Ted:

Big Ted’s dead , he was a great old pig
He’d eat most anything, never wore a wig
Now he’s gone like snow on the water, good bye

He was getting old so the farmer said
“Sold him to the butcher just to make a little bread”
Now he’s gone like snow on the water, don’t cry

Ted may be a moo cow next time around
Giving sweet milk to the people in the town
He’ll be whatever he will choose on air or sea or ground

The sows are busy with the piglets fine
I’d put them in the forest now if they were mine
cause I know they like acorns and I don’t like bacon

Boochy, boochy, boochy, boochy, boochy, boochy, boochy
Squidly, squidly, squidly, squidly, squidly, squidly, squidly
Boochy, boochy, boochy, boochy, boochy, boochy, boochy, boochy
Sham sham sharoo, oh sham sham sharoo

Big Ted’s sold and gone

He came into the kitchen while we were away
He took all the rice and he forgot to pay
He´s gone like snow on the water, good bye

He never cared to do the boogaloo dance
All he ever thought about was food and romance
And he’s gone like snow on the water, good bye

Ted may be a moo cow next time around
Giving sweet milk to the people in the town
He’ll be whatever he will choose on air or sea or ground

The sows are busy with the piglets fine
I’d put them in the forest now if they were mine
cause I know they like acorns and I don’t like bacon

Boochy, boochy, boochy, boochy, boochy, boochy, boochy
Squidly, squidly, squidly, squidly, squidly, squidly, squidly
Boochy, boochy, boochy, boochy, boochy, boochy, boochy, boochy
Sham sham sharoo, oh sham sham sharoo

Big Ted’s sold and gone

/span

Who Killed Cock Robin?

Posted by Vale

THE DEATH AND BURIAL OF POOR COCK ROBIN

Who killed Cock Robin?
“I,” said the sparrow,
“With my little bow and arrow,
I killed Cock Robin,”

Who saw him die?
“I,” said the fly,
“With my little eye,
I saw him die.”

Who caught his blood?
“I,” said the fish,
“With my little dish,
I caught his blood.”

Who’ll make his shroud?
“I,” said the beetle,
“With my thread and needle.
I’ll make his shroud.”

Who’ll carry the torch?
“I,” said the linnet,
“I’ll come in a minute,
I’ll carry the torch.”

Who’ll be the clerk?
“I,” said the lark,
“If it’s not in the dark,
I’ll be the clerk.”

Who’ll dig his grave?
“I,” said the owl,
“With my spade and trowel
I’ll dig his grave.”

Who’ll be the parson?
“I,” said the rook,
“With my little book,
I’ll be the parson.”

Who’ll be chief mourner?
“I,” said the dove,
“I mourn for my love,
I’ll be chief mourner.”

Who’ll sing a psalm?
“I,” said the thrush,
“As I sit in a bush.
I’ll sing a psalm.”

Who’ll carry the coffin?
“I,” said the kite,
“If it’s not in the night,
I’ll carry the coffin.”

Who’ll toll the bell?
“I,” said the bull,
“Because I can pull,
I’ll toll the bell.”

All the birds of the air
Fell sighing and sobbing,
When they heard the bell toll
For poor Cock Robin.

I came across some beautiful Victorian illustrations of the nursery rhyme on the Daily Undertaker The full set can be found here.

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