Funeral directors have strong and varying views on what families should and should not be allowed to see — in the families’ best interests of course. Some undertakers are heavier-handed than others in the way in which they express their advice. The law is perfectly clear: the dead person belongs to the family, not them. They need to be sure not to infringe this right.
I remember being hurried out of the room when my Mum died by a policeman who wanted to ask questions and chide me for having lifted her up from the floor and put her on the bed. It was a gambit to allow the undertaker’s men to take her away without upsetting me. Whether or not it might have upset me was not discussed. The assumption seemed to be that no bereaved person wants to witness this or lend a hand.
Different undertakers have different ways of talking through with families what they need to do when they come to take someone ‘into their care’. With a home removal there’s a big, stark contrast between a comfy dead person (Mum, Dad, Nan) tucked up in bed… and a bagged, zipped corpse being trolleyed out into the 2am rain. It’s not a good look. For those who were gathered round the deathbed, it takes some taking in. Some undertakers address the aesthetics better than others.
Is this sudden status adjustment something families need to be spared, or is it something they would benefit from witnessing and even assisting in?
There’s an analogy here with CPR, around which a similar debate swirls. Is it better for families to witness CPR, or should they be hurried away where they can’t see? Some new research seems to show that those who stay and witness suffer less psychic distress afterwards.
Responses from doctors are as polarised as would be those of undertakers. If for CPR and ‘resuscitation’ you read ‘removal’, the responses below might have come from undertakers:
I would have hated to watch CPR being performed on [my mother’s] frail body, and I know she would not have liked me to watch either.
It would have been extremely traumatic to have been required to leave her when she needed us the most, as she left this world … I will forever be grateful for not being forced out and for knowing that everything possible was done and done well.
In most cases, I advise that the family leave the room and be attended to by a member of the medical/nursing team.
I believe that there are a lot of people out there who could handle being in the room … On the other hand, there are many who could not … I think that the physician should discuss it with the family and loved ones. This way they will know what is best.
I don’t think family members should witness CPR on relatives first because of my personal experience and second because I think it might impair the performance of the caregivers at some level.
We have offered family presence during resuscitation at our institution for seven years now, and the experience for providers and family alike has been overwhelmingly positive.
In my experience … the family can only be harmed by witnessing what we have to do
Family choice must be determinant.
I don’t find any single reason for the family to be present at that stressful moment that could be of benefit to the patient or themselves.
This is SO interesting Charles. Excellent blog!
As Poppy says. The link between removal and CPR, and the way the post raises the emotional and practical realities running through both – such valuable insights.
personally I agree with the second to last statement, Family choice must be determinant, very little wording but means so much.
A great talking point im sure.
Some interesting points raised…
The whole removal process and the effect it has on families – is it right that some / most funeral directors use vans for taking the deceased away?
My personal view is that you wouldn’t put the individual into the back of a van in life, so why cart them off like a battered old table in the back of a van in death?
Surely a car is more dignified and causes the family marginally less heartache?
entirely agreed James
unless I’m way off course, the wholesale use of the removal Ambulance (aka a van), which wasn’t a major feature, say 25-30 years ago, has ‘developed’ because of the high costs of using a hearse, depreciation/fuel costs etc etc
for Coroner’s work, Hospital and NH removals they’re (imo) definitely the way to go
for expected death home removals, personally I would prefer to see ‘a closed hearse’ such as is shown on Nick Gandon’s website or a Galaxy
and (in passing (sic)), Leverton’s again grace these pages (in the above photo)………(I really should stop being such an old anorak)
regards
andrew
Andrew, you must most certainly NOT curb your anoraxic ways. We all delight in your eye for fine detail and fine undertaking.
Charles
thankyou
best indeed
andrew
Really interesting – this week I watched a TV programme about emergency services and it showed a farmer being given CPR in front of his friend – to no avail. The friend was devastated but seemed to appreciate that everything possible was done – he saw that the ambulance crew worked really hard. He had a few tears then gathered himself to go and tell the new widow…. It seemed that he had a kind of confidence from observing the whole scene and realising there was nothing more that could have been done. I guess it’s the same if ‘they’ come to take someone who has died away. You need to feel confident that they care, that they do everything right, that they show respect and compassion. I’d want to see that, not just have them disappear while I was distracted…. something that happened to my friend when the men in black came to call for his old Mum – he’d been sitting with her for 5 hours waiting for them, then he was suddenly ushered out of the room and told ‘you don’t want to see this.’ He still talks about it with regret …
Surely, such an important part of the funeral process. I think that there has to be a distinct psychological difference though, between removing a body following a sudden death, and effecting a removal when that person has been nursed at home for possibly some time.
With the latter, the family, in my humble experience, often express a wish to to be involved, if only by sight, in that process. It’s the first real step to accepting that death has actually taken place, swiftly followed by the sight of an empty, stripped bed.
Whereas, years of watching TV has taught us that Coroners’ removals take place using roll-in trolleys, black body covers, and vans. We’ve been conditioned to accept that that is the “professional” way to do it.
I suppose though, it’s difficult to be sure of how your feelings will “pan out” once you make the choice whether to be “involved” or not.
A vet friend of mine told me of a patient of his, a dog in need of some sort of operation. It’s “owner” was a local surgeon, who asked to witness, and be part of the operation on his pooch. As a professional courtesy, the vet said Yes!, why not. A minute or so into the op, the good surgeon had to remove himself from the vet’s operating theatre. He couldn’t “hack” watching the very thing he did every day to us humans, happen to his close, pal.
So, until the day comes, we can’t be sure of just how we might feel…
I have used a van (always posh and very clean) and estate cars. I have heard families complain that their FD used both.. as in ‘they took mother away in the back of an estate car/van.’
As for the house removal – these days, I use a Mercedes Vito people mover with a fixed deck. It has a collapsible leg trolley with a ‘mountain rescue’ stretcher for upstairs/awkward spaces. I always ask family present if they would like to ‘wait in there’ eg kitchen, sitting room etc while we remove the body. If they insist on being present, why not? Nothing we do is horrid. We act at all times with great care. The deceased is moved gently, thoughtfully, not like a sack of spuds.
My sister, a nurse, works in a hospice. She tells me the classic they see over and over is the FD’s dragging a body onto the stretcher from a bed and then (wait for it) using the now covered corpse as a table to complete any paperwork! Astonishing but a regular occurrence..
Good Morning David,
People still shy away from the subject when they loose a loved one, I held a coffee / Tea morning at my shop (office does sound far to formal) on Thursday in aid of our local Charity St Elizabeth Hospice, and also to highlight National Dying Matters awarness week, I was pleased to see some youngsters that asked some decent questions, may be its because I advertised the event as a very Informal Coffee /Tea Morning with Hot Chocolate, Cappuccino with whipped Cream, Biscuits and sweets. what ever the reason the youngsters did leave with a little more knowledge.
The vehicle I use for all my removals is a Volvo V70, green in colour, not black, and no dark windows. Many of my families are looking a natural endings,and if a family sugest to wear pink as there loved one adoured the colour, then i will wear pink. Im not saying gone are the dark ages were we have to look sad all the time, but if a family requests they be present whilst the removal is carried out, im all for it, I will even ask for them to assist if they feel up to it.some do, and some feelI they have to. I have just joined face book, what a eye opener that is, i feel we all must change and for the better.
My sister (hospice nurse) has ‘vehicles without dark windows’ on her hit-list of wrongs done by FD’s. I have a Volvo XC70 4×4 in black myself, without tints. I bought it for winter use – we operate in rural areas.
It only goes to prove that some people obviously have definite views about the right and wrong way to do things – we FD’s just have to live with it!
The only reason NOT to invite the family to watch/participate is that I might be a bit clumsy, and huff and puff as we lift or negotiate steep cottage stairways! That concern is always there – but a fair warning to the family ……… something like, “this may not be the most dignified part of your farewell ceremony, but we’ll be very careful, and we can do it together if you’d like”, is the best I have come up with. Then we can try and look bright while we grunt, and it’s not all so very strange.
Gents, 2 very good points raised, with reference to the dark windows we all have our views and im sure this will be a good talking point for some time. i can understand a van being used for the removal of several deceased from local Hospitals, but Im a strong believer of showing discression.
I have been lucky in this profession by starting with Coronors removals, for 18 months It was a learning curve, each day had its own problems to throw at us, never a dull moment when your working for your local coronor.
This is a very important part of our job.
I would personally never use a vehicle without privacy glass or curtains. We currently use a Silver Mondeo Estate with limousine tint to the rear windows. We are actually considering removing the tint and replacing with burgundy curtains. I feel that it’s important to distinguish the removal vehicle from just being an estate car. Many estate cars have tinted windows, so when you arrive to collect someone’s loved one, families may feel they’re just being placed into any old vehicle. Our estate is used for removals only. I believe curtains present the vehicle as built for purpose but also presents it as a warm and caring vehicle for transport of the deceased. Not a clinical vehicle like an ambulance.
We use a Vauxhall vectra estate, it’s silver and black, very distinguished from a normal one with the thick silver band on either side of the vehicle and personalised registration plates, and privacy glass